PUBLISHED 12/07/08 -----

Barack Obama
Juggling lessons
The president-elect will need to improve his dexterity to deal with all the problems his predecessor leaves him — a nation and world in economic meltdown, two wars and a recent spike in terrorism. Obama will also need yoga instruction to help maintain his renowned calm.

John McCain
Six weeks in Sedona
The Republican standard-bearer has earned a long rest after a gruelling two-year presidential campaign. He shouldn’t vacation too long, though: Obama might need to tap his experience and advice.

Sarah Palin
A gift card
Specifically, a $180,000 Wal-Mart gift card to help replace the wardrobe she had to return to the RNC.

Joe Biden
Self-help books
Vice-presidents (his predecessor notwithstanding) generally need help in the visibility department. We suggest Biden start with “Standing Firm: A Vice-Presidential Memoir” by Dan Quayle.

Kevin McCarthy
Screenwriter services
The Bakersfield congressman needs a plausible story to help convince constituents that being the “chief deputy” Republican whip — an assistant leader of the Republicans’ shrinking minority in the House of Representatives — is really an important job. Really, it is.

George W. Bush
A La-Z-Boy recliner
The soon-to-be-ex president will need to take a load off. While he’s kicking back, he ought to call Bill Clinton’s agent. Hard as it may be to believe at the moment, Bush’s popularity rating will eventually improve and he will be welcomed onto the speaking circuit. For now, he should just stay low.


Ken Mettler
Martial arts lessons
Based on his failure to connect solidly in a recent street-corner skirmish, the Kern High School District trustee, pro-Proposition 8 spokesman and amateur ninja apparently needs a little help (nunchucks?) to help promote his political views, or otherwise convince his opponents. With Prop. 8 headed back to the state Supreme Court, the chances of a future confrontation seem all too high.

Mayor Harvey Hall
Harvey L. Hall Stadium
We can start with a miniature replica of a baseball stadium. Thing is, that’s likely to be the closest Hall will come to his dream of having a real stadium in Bakersfield. But the former bat boy can hope, can’t he? He can play with his replica in the meantime.

City Manager Alan Tandy
Servants
As City Manager Alan Tandy prepares to move into a cushy remodeled suite of offices atop the former Borton, Petrini & Conron law building (Truxtun Avenue, across from the city police headquarters) it seems only appropriate that the suite be staffed by imperial servants. In these tight budget times, why should Tandy spare any expense on his staffing and accommodations? Since we hear the office comes equipped with a fireplace, Tandy is advised to check with air pollution folks to make sure it’s a “burn day” before he lights up.

Ken Weir
A big hug
The Bakersfield city councilman needs some extra encouragement so he’ll keep reaching out to all his constituents — and not just well-heeled developers. He escaped a recall effort this year, but his presumed reelection bid is just two years away.

Ed Jagels
Kern County judgeship
The Kern County district attorney needs a (real) Republican governor who’ll give him a cushy post-retirement appointment. Maybe he should start schmoozing potential Republican gubernatorial candidate (now insurance commissioner) Steve Poizner. Here’s an idea: Someone should appoint Jagels to a Kern County judgeship. What fun it would be to watch him strain to be collegial with the local judges he dissed for so many years.

State Sen. Dean Florez
A complete makeover
Let’s start with a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” After all these years as an acerbic maverick, Florez, as the new state Senate majority leader, will need to learn to play nicely with his colleagues.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
A seat at the table
Give the California governor an appointment in the Obama administration. He already said he is willing to consider one. Clearly, he would rather deal with horrendous national problems than horrendous state problems — and California lawmakers who refuse to adopt a responsible budget.

Nicole Parra
A real job
The termed-out Democratic assemblywoman needs some gainful employment. Come on, someone, give her a job. She also needs a political party. Democrat? Republican? Your guess is as good as ours. Perks should include a slush fund to replace the campaign donations she squandered on her way out the legislative door.
Roy Ashburn
A new plan
Bakersfield’s soon-to-be-termed-out state senator needs another political office to run for. He reportedly was thinking of running for state Board of Equalization, but some heavy hitters are eyeing that job. What will he do? Someone, give him a job.

Danny Gilmore
Thank-you cards
The new 30th Assembly District Republican representative needs to express gratitude to his predecessor, Nicole Parra, and her family. No doubt Democratic Assemblywoman Parra’s support helped him defeat Democrat candidate Fran Florez, the mother of Parra’s  political nemesis, state Sen. Dean Florez. Why should we have expected a Democrat to endorse another Democrat when revenge was so much more “rewarding”?

Jean Fuller
Luggage
Bakersfield’s Republican assemblywoman needs new suitcases. Likely she wore hers out her old ones taking a recent junket to China, rather than sticking around Sacramento and attending the entire special session Gov. Schwarzenegger called to close a $28 billion-state budget gap.

Zack Scrivner
Jean Fuller’s job
The Bakersfield city councilman and aide to Republican Assemblywoman Jean Fuller needs his boss to hurry up and run for Roy Ashburn’s Senate seat so he can run for her seat. After all, he is her  heir apparent.

Harold Hanson
A rearview mirror
The Bakersfield city councilman needs to know who’s approaching from behind  when his “allies” on the City Council try once again to stab him in the back. Stay alert, Harold!

Auto CEOs
A clue
The people running America’s big three U.S. automakers need a grip on reality. As they extend their hands for a federal handout, they seem clueless as to why American taxpayers are resistant.

Corporate fat cats
Humble pie
Corporate CEOs (think AIG executives) live the high life and seem unwilling to change their ways, even when they want taxpayers to pick up their excessive tabs — and severance deals. They, too, need a wake-up call.

You get the idea. Suggest a special gift for your elected or appointed local, state or national leader. Send your suggestions to opinion@bakersfield.com.