Here’s your perfect opportunity to be, um, well, me (kind of).

Peeking under the covers of government finances, asking questions no one wants to answer, holding officials’ feet to the fire and telling agencies how to run their shops.

If that sounds like fun to you  — it does to me — then you’re the perfect candidate for the 2009-2010 Kern County grand jury.

Sorry to those folks out there who thought I was leaving. No such luck.

You have until April 10 to get your application in, so don’t say I didn’t give you fair warning.

People tell me all the time they think this county needs fixin’ and they want to get involved but don’t know how. Well, this is a great way to do both.

You don’t need to be a financial wizard or a former Supreme Court justice.

All you need is a strong sense of curiosity and fair play and an open mind. A bulldog personality doesn’t hurt either.

OK, a few other things: You must be a U.S. citizen; have a proficient grasp of written and spoken English; NOT be a felon; and NOT be currently serving in an elected office (for you Blagojeviches out there, those last two are not either/or requirements!).

I know some of you out there are rolling your eyes thinking the grand jury is just something for old fogies and what have they done lately, anyhow?

Grand jury foreman pro-tem Larry Walker allowed as to the accuracy of the old fogie part of that statement.

“We’ve had people in their 40s occasionally, but the youngest we’ll usually get is in their 30s,” he said.

That’s mostly because of the time commitment — a minimum 20 hours a week — which is tough on those of us who aren’t retired or independently wealthy.

But when I asked about the relevance of the grand jury, Walker would have none of that.

“You remember the person who died in the downtown jail a few years ago and there were no cameras?” he asked in reference to the death of James Moore in August 2005 allegedly at the hands of 3 detentions deputies (still pending trial, by the way).

“They said there was no money for cameras, well, two years ago our jury went in and found the money in the inmate welfare fund. That happened through the grand jury’s actions.”

One report currently creating a stir was released last fall asserting that the Sheriff’s dispatch unit was slower than national standards in answering 911 calls due to severe understaffing.

The report showed up as a blip in the news but really rankled the Sheriff’s department, which fired back a multi-page response saying  911 calls absolutely are answered in a timely manner, per national standards.

Unconvinced, Walker and his fellow jurors are gearing up to delve deeper into this important issue.

The truth lies somewhere in the statistics, which, as we all know, can tell different stories depending on the narrator.

OK, so not all investigations are as “sexy” as that, Walker acknowledged.

In fact a number of the reports released under this grand jury had no recommendations.

“Some are just, ‘You’re doing a good job,’” Walker said.

He argued, though that even the “atta boys” can make a difference, saying the Delano police chief shows the reports to his council to get more money for his programs.

“With state government and everyone else going broke, it’s more important than ever to hold people accountable,” Walker said. “Even if we find nothing wrong, maybe it’s because they know we’re looking.

“Especially in small cities, some officials just don’t care and think they can get away with murder. But if we beat them up enough, maybe they’ll straighten up their act.”

Hey! That sounds like something I’d say.

Hurry and get your applications in. Many are called, but only 19 are chosen.

These are Lois Henry’s opinions, not necessarily The Californian’s. Her column appears Wednesday and Sunday. Call her at 395-7373 or write lhenry@bakersfield.com.

How to apply to be a Kern County grand juror
1.  Obtain an Application for Nomination:
• Online: www.co.kern.ca. us/helpfiles/priv_printedform.asp
• By phone: call (661) 868-4797 or (661) 868-4916 to request an application
• In-person: pick up an application at:
Grand Jury Offices
1415 Truxtun Ave., Suite 600, Bakersfield CA 93301-5222

2. Fill out the application

3. Print the filled out application (if downloaded)

4. Sign the application

5. Mail or deliver the application to:
Superior Court Administration, 1415 Truxtun Ave., Room 212, Bakersfield CA 93301-5222

(There is a background check and oral interview)