I have been busy trying to network my two PC's and not obsess about my loss.Today I made the chocolate killer cake that I had promised K's dad for Christmas..no one to lick the beaters and the bowls...

 I will miss my boys amazement at how "strong" my arms must be (lol) watching me beat batter.egg whites. Pleas for the bowl,beater,and my eldest face the first time he had to share~he at 17. My youngests face when ,at his first taste of batter cast me a look as if to say"where have you been keeping this wonder? and how long have you kept it from me?" Chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter ones too..no memories for the hand made wonders of my kitchen.at one time how I grumbled at only making the killer cake~it was all they'd eat~ and now ,how I'd love to make tons more for them.The smallest thing slams me back into the dark of my loss. I so appreciate having this space to vent,it is my only therapy, my way out.

As my years wind down to moments, the ache

The pull of life at its end, death washes over,

Red, black and icy cold, all sense’s cry

It will not end.

Suddenly a warm golden glow sparkles random

atoms to life, as vista, sounds echo and fill me.

The notes of song, voice a chorus, a trail breaks

There, fine in their tartan kilts, my sons

-hale and hearty-

Herd the flock to our highland cairn home.

Green glen, clear stream, circle of stone cottages

Filled with warmth, laughter and wives,

My daughters I’ve never and always known,

Arms offering me my grandbabies -cherubs

echoing my soul and love in bright eyes.

Here we are promised rest, ease and such Love.

Till, one by one, drawn back to life, to illusion

To lessons that each must learn

So go I too, held by my Promise

To watch and tend each precious soul

Till we all reach the end

And sweet soulful bliss.

 I  tried to post this on that blog but after trying refresh 3 times gave up and did it here..

      I drove past the group, flashed a peace sign~ and for one , I applaud your voices. The ability to have your opinion heard is what makes this country great. When any group is labeled "majority" or "minority" it gives it a value~ credence or demeaning it. It is a tactic that is as old as difference.The words of Mark Twain ~in my opinion ~sum it up best "When I find myself on the side of the majority, it is time for serious self examination".

   As a 60's peace protest vet I I have to caution all against a "them" vs "us" .Hate or intolerance tends to blur the anti war message:thats the area I cautiously agree with the "prayers". Do not become what you are against ~it is too easy to do, and humility will help there. History shows that some on the right will manufacture "red herrings" to shift focus. Tread carefully,stay true to the message. As for most hated? My recent history includes Nixon. Bill Clinton? I recall a few haters there as well.

  War should be the absolute last resort for any individual or nation. A person in those immortal words "Can throw oneself on the cogs of the machine..." without ceding what makes the peace movement so powerful PEACE.

    While I am not overjoyed at the speech and choices our president has made ,I am sure that is being covered hot and heavy in other spaces here. In case anyone has not read or seen the Lord of the Rings,leaders of men sold themselves to Evil,becoming slaves to it and the Ring~hence the Ring Wraiths.They are but ghosts of themselves.

   I was struck again that whoever holds that office is so changed in appearance in 4 years~and 8 seems to suck any life out of them...perhaps the ring wraith analogy is a bit much , but it is a catchy title. So while I will also pray, meditate, call it what you will, for a change in his heart, also I will meditate for him.I know not what drains any president so~nor care to ~ but truly they give to our country what few choose to. And for all those that serve,I will pray for their safety,and that ,as impossible as it may seem ,that indeed this is not in vain.

woman and Men      A fellow blogger sent me a  essay of his on the nature of men and women,very nice bit of prose, and I was initially going to toss off a rebuttal. He state how restricted women are in just moving about in life,this struck me as,while perhaps a generational truth, not necessarily so for my age group.  Then I began to look more closely at my own life,and was struck by some truths.

     All my life having to walk( no car ,used to bike everywhere),work, in generally "mens" occupations I have worn a more man type of apparel. Then remember those long ago days of collage,reading a treatise by a suffragette, and my conscious decision then. Simply put~ pants enable you to move freely,never worn high heels( try running in those!), t-shirts and shirts enable ease of movement...basically I have dressed for war-flight or fight my adult life. Not totally unattractive but not so gorgeous either and this mode of dress has stood me well evading the unwanted attentions of a small percentage of males. When I first moved back after my stint at school, rebuffing for three times a unwanted 'ride" ~the occupants spit on me, the worst insult they could think of being no man would marry me. As they sped off memorizing the license number calling the police~I wanted then scared enough so as to not do that again~ having to force the police to take me seriously ...and then watching both being arrested because of warrants. Then the recent attempt by a youth who feeling dissed by a young woman~sexually rebuffed~ to end her life by stabbing her repeatedly.

  In the end of these thoughts and many more, I have to agree with my fellow blogger ~ men have no idea of how a woman walks through this world.I had hoped to say each generation is a bit better in terms of this, but can only now say each generation is different, more open in ways yet more challenged in others.

 No matter where one lands in the political spectrum, today was historic. Ninety women in the House,and the first female Speaker of the House.

   I recall the stories from my Nana,about her first vote ,how proud she felt . That lead me to the Suffragettes, the first women who petitioned the government for change, the right to vote. They rallied,spoke,marched,went to jail~some starved, some brutally murdered~ all so we could finally be "taxed with representation".I hope that we women take to heart,our vote, use our voices to make change. I hope that these new represenatives enable our government to have a gentler hand,a more civilized national discourse. And I hope that they make those Suffragetts proud~even while they wonder why did it take so long??