larger view

Channel 29 ran a item about the J*&&%#@&s who use spots reserved for those with plates indicating their need for those spots.The image of a female using the familiar single finger salute to the reporter incensed me so that I bloged about it here.A follow up report is to be aired on Thursday~please watch this night

The folks at channel 29 alerted the local police to the situation,the phone calls  the station recieved..well you'll see the results.My comment about a ready income source is apparently one shared by many.So all of you who felt so smarmmy, so above the law,forewarned is forearmed,park in spaces available to you .As you walk to and from your destinationThank whatever God(s), or none if you choose,for your range of movement!

When I find myself with ruffled feathers over whether or not bees dance<I know it's time to look inside.I have been feeling this coming on,recent tragic events the trigger.Several times I have written, for me,comments that could be seen as confrontational..and hit backspace. I hope by once again publicly saying to myself "Look here is what your really upset about~not the bees!", I will hold myself accountable.

 I realize asking the world to cancel Mothers Day is selfish..and I really wouldn't want to stop your enjoyment..but it is making me want to sleep till its way over..It is not as if there are not countless daily reminders of my boys silence, there gone.I am hollow.My GF and I were talking~our hearts are simply crushed,and nothing is ringing true with either of us.She looked at me saying"And ,you ,could you get 3 months in a row to forget just a little" it is a fact Sept~January,plain awful time,February a birthday,April a death, all holidays..toss in a few current events and voila ~ I am  a mess.

I am going to start  meeting with a group of other parents,really thinking that will help.Doing this, admitting to and looking inside always is a good thing. There is no cure for what ails me~except, perhaps ,the final solution~distance and small gains are all I can hope for.

 So...thanks for letting me air my dirty laundry,forgive me if I step upon your toes.Thank you for the distraction~and the times my mind has been opened up.Trying to stay with an open heart, when all the world has given reason to shut down ,is a hard thing to do.But that is all I can do, that is all my boys deserve.

The story of John Trudell runs from reservation,to Alcatraz,through grief and hope~it is  the  story of us all.A mans life is expressed in 54 minutes,rich with images,words,sound and emotion. Comments from Robert Redford,Kris Kristofferson,Bonnie Raitt,and others illuminate the character of this man.The descriptions of his path through grief spoke to me, echoing and articulating what I can only feel.."This falling apart does not go away,time does not have that magic..distance is one thing,but some falling apart there is no magic for". Yet hope rings true still in this man and his art.I highly recommend this film

  I arrive by a synthesis of heart and mind to any conclusion or plan,logic is too cold,especially for this..Forget about guns,forget those two hours between killings~in 2005 we could have prevented this !Recent events have torn at me~the mothers of those young people I especially feel for~the fathers suffer also,but I am a woman, their pain I know intimately.

 In 1987 I stood helplessly by as a dear sweet soul slid into madness.He,James, was a high school friend, very gifted artist and a troubled soul~but no more than many others of that generation.During a six month decline, during which many avenues were tried to help him,we his mate,children and his friends , did all we and the law could.On his next to last day, I spent the afternoon talking with him,trying to reach him as the chemical unbalance raged through his mind.Tearfully I made him promise to come to me before anything he decided to do.He did promise me, that thing he might do hung unspoken between us. The next morning he drank a 5th of wild turkey,went to the Hotel Padre,climbed out the fire escape and plunged to his death.In the aftermath I spoke before the city council asking for funding~there was no suicide prevention help line here at the time.Nothing came of that.

 Now as more details emerge emerge about this killer,the warning signs were everywhere.In 2005 we had the opportunity to stop this,and help this man~or keep him away from the rest of us.I know the reasons our mental health laws were changed,too many abused that system.We need to make it a National Priority to revamp mental health.If a agency with the power to study this case,determine just cause and force this man into treatment existed so much would be saved.Years before tighter gun laws,years before easier gun carrying permits..years before more graves needed to be dug.

   Today I am practicing Tonglen~it means"taking in and sending out" a Buddhist meditation on awakening true compassion.When most think about compassion our focus is on the less fortunate.,but true compassion comes from realizing our kinship with all beings.In the practice of Tonglen one takes in the pain of the world,even just a bit of it, and sends out compassion.Essentially prayer.

  In 1999~the most current statistics I could find~ 19% of the adult population had experienced the death of a child. The Compassionate Friends did a survey (in 2006 ) of 400 persons,of those 298 had lost one child,102 had lost more than one child,24 experienced the loss of 3 and 9 who endured the loss of more than 3.

  Cold facts,numbers with words,much like the news from this weeks tragedy.I ,and others here on this site,know only to well what hides behind these symbols.Each of the 33~even the deluded soul of the killer~ had family,mother,father,perhaps siblings,aunts ,uncles,cousins,friends, co-workers. The shock,numbness in each of their lives is something I hope none of you ever have to understand,beyond reading this.The acts that the dead might have brought into this world- also must be mourned.We will never know.Those that survived this,the results of that day will never ever leave them.The majority will use that day to rise above the senseless, some too shattered will not.I can not fully describe what this does to a parent,how you are forever changed.Personally some days I rise above~others I wonder why go on? My lifetime method of "one foot in front of the other,keep breathing" has stood me well.Each of the parents,the survivors will have their own process to follow.Each time another occurrence such as this,each holiday,each birthday each day~ your loss is relived.Some days with joy and acceptance-others are days I call myself "not fit for Human consumption".

  More is being found out by the hour about the youth who committed this atrocity~again there were many warning signs ignored.Be watchful in your daily life,reach out and listen to your inner voice,if something does not feel right, it isn't.

 I write this to ask each of,as you go about your week to take a moment and release all of your agendas,be it gun control or more guns..whatever response you have.Release that and spend some moments in your heart with the victims and the families,the madman's family~they are victims too.As to his soul,I leave that to you and your faiths,or beliefs.For my part~even he deserves compassion..this path of true compassion I have chose is hardest to do in just that moment.Hold the dead,those that loved them in your heart for just awhile~it is the least we can do~in deep sorrow   sage

 I opened the mail~you know the one~ the dreaded jury summons.But what changes have been made,last I served one spent a week,mostly half days unless you were sworn in.Now the law is one day(8:15 to ,11:30 lunch 1:30, over by 4:00) or one trial..what a breeze!If you are sworn in the average trial runs 4 days, the capitol cases can run much longer.Most business will pay employees,most  have a 15 day maximum.Courts will consider hardship so if money is a issue,and when isn't it, they accommodate you.We went through a orientation~the hostess should try out for comedy club!~ then settled in to read or watch T.V.

  Sitting there,joy of joys hearing cell phone conversations all around me~people do not like to serve,the orientation reflected that too~comically.But it made me wonder,so I asked "Anybody express that it was not so terrible? Staff,after a bit of shock said some but most... I reflected about this,what else was there to do? I am 53 been called 3 times(with K. I had a reason to be unavailable),never picked.I have enjoyed citizenship for,take away my youth,about 1,800 weeks..4 days does not seen like a lot to ask.Plus voting~citizenship may be a bargain!Even the worst case scenario~long trial~ at least one would feel the satisfaction of either aiding a victim or freeing the wrongly accused. I was torn with mixed feelings~I am attracted to the law,love Boston Legal,and some posts here about the current trial make me want to serve to counter the "he is guilty I just know it",or the emotional get him response.One is innocent till proved and all that..Several thought crossed my mind,do jurors take out their mild resentment for having to be there? And on who?If by a quirk of fate someone you knew was accused~would not a conscientious,rational jurist who could temper justice with humanity  be what you would want? Or a closed minded peer with a made up mind?These questions are not framed by any political bias,this works both sides of that street,as it were.More to follow in part two...that bong sound...criminal justice and you..stay tuned

     I was deleted from a recent blog,for what reason I have no idea. Perhaps I was to detailed,personal,maybe someone really does not care for me? But what was posted has value so I am stating  it here.

   The feelings of some here of being attacked,vilified are regrettable.An opinion,in my view should not threaten anyone.We are not the same,and to expect anyone to act or believe as I,or you do is unreasonable.There are some,( well many )here whom I do not share the same values with.Sam Heath ~ a man who I admire,one I call friend  on occasion has a diametrically opposed view of a situation.The posters Blognroll, Nancy,  are often on the opposite "side" of issues.But all of these people I read with respect and try to listen first to their opinion~ then re-frame any arguments I may have~or gasp~ rethink my position.We should all practice the lost arts of listening and civil discourse.The chorus of but "they" won't falls lamely to the side~do it anyway

  We are one family here, surely so in America, and in my view also through out the world. We all bleed red blood,are humans with dimensions, emotions,desires.Words such as enemy in regards to anyone here I must question.A person who ,cloaked in religion,kills innocent people for a political gain is an enemy.There is no such person at TBC blogs.The claim that one side is being attacked,or somehow threatened does not appear to be born out.All my adult life the "right" and the "left",any of the religious groups, has existed and will continue to do so.Whatever one believes in, they should have FAITH in that thing, which should bring tolerance to anyone who is "lost",or anyone who does not adhere to what they do.If an opinion is expressed it is logical that others will respond~this gives all sides the opportunity to hone their positions or be enlightened.

    By chance or divine intervention Will Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice" caught my eye last night.Al Pacino is Shylock, who gives this character much depth.He delivers a speech on bigotry, hate that still stands today.Both main characters are victims in this play,victims of the times,their respective religions .Love,greed,pride,vanity,despair~h uman characteristics we all share~ drive each into the pivotal point.Will revenge drive Shylock to cut his "pound of flesh" from Antonio? Or will the divine,the human, be allowed to shine through? Will has ,yet again, given humanity a broad question and shows us an answer. This adaptation is more modern,more tolerant that his~ but the core  truth remains.I recommend a viewing.

  It may be obvious but this is simply pixels on a screen.While words are powerful,the results of them are held in each of your hands.You control how they affect you,or how they do not.  Many know the shortest verse in the bible , John 11:35 "He wept". How human and how divine that is.On this day many hold as Holy, I stand to ask that you adhere to the common great precepts  of religion, ~Love. Do no judgment. Be of service.Be grateful.

I hope the atheists,the agnostic,the hedonist among us find these valuable goals also. Personally as a mutt puppy of all religions and none,a worshiper of creation ,a reader and thinker I do. Peace to All.

Right before Carmella met her tragic death

she gave me a red camellia,it blooms almost always

around the time my son drew his first breath 

She was gone in December,he came to me in February

For 17 years  it represented the spider web that is life

with its petals colored red,like hearts and blood

That is why I hate whats called global warming by most

a liberal plot by the rest

By geological time or by mans demands~ the results the same for me

The bloom comes much too late and I?

I still cannot forget       & nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;       &nbs p;         ;                sagefever 2007

I try to live by the saying think global,act local..I felt the need to personalize the changing weather whatever it's cause, from todays news about the coming water crisis, to the nighttime clouds( that glow?) increasing, to the honeybee die off, I should be glad the camellia is simply alive.Does the" ugliness" of a light bulb seem all that hard to take when the trade off is more asthmatic grandchildren? The environmental issues facing us, can turn us into what earned the generation before us  "the greatest" moniker.What will your children tell their children about what we did to help? For those lucky enough to live closer to nature the call is obvious. For  the more urban the"power plant down the road" may become obvious also,much too late for comfort and life.There are simple small steps you can take,and if the alarmists are wrong~by some chance~ what harm in a light bulb change,a grocery bag of cloth?Those who are  "The greatest generation " were called to give much more,how can we the benefactors of their sacrifices do so much less?Sandwiched by the past,the future, we are in a perfect position to "pay forward" what we are given.

   I am off next week to preform a civic duty so I may not be able to post.I did some more "stumbling" and found two interesting sites that I hope may interest some of you.

   First is a site created by "Mother Jones" ~ but even the" rights "among us may find this acceptable. It is called Ocean Voyager(http:www.oceanvoyager.com) `once at the site you can sign up for one email a week for five weeks. Each email takes you to a part of our ocean,describes with text and video a situation in that area,then gives you small practical steps you can take to change things for the better.This is one of the reasons I love the net..that and pogo.

  The second site should be of interest to  TBC and those whose interests lay in the news that should be news.It may be wildly left~ i did not cross reference any of its stories~dang time!~ but it really intrigued me. Project Censored ( http:www.projectcensored.org) is out of Sonoma State ,each year they study from 700~1000  news items and pick the top 25 that were buried or forgotten by media and the public.Under the quote from~Walter Cronkite no less~ there is a link called "Top 25 of 2006". Go there and be amazed,outraged and afraid.Then act..

   Hope to post as soon as I can. you all take care ,play nice and see you soon~ sagefever     P.S. Apparently I am either playing an "Aprils Fools "joke on myself or menopause is acting up again~ civic duty is not till next  week..