Since it is now common knowledge on the stock market, I admit to starting PsychoSearch some years ago. For those not yet acquainted with the service, allow me to go back to the beginning by way of explanation:

With my background in both science and the social sciences, especially psychology with an emphasis on the paranormal, I realized that regression to past lives held the promise of regression to lives that might have been lived. With the rapid progress of computers, this great dream of mine was finally realized.

The classic study of Arnie Schmartzkoptfer is now well known. Arnie's case seemed ideal to me to test my hypothesis that a person cannot only be regressed like Shirley McClain to past lives, but with the computer power now available could be regressed in such a manner as to predict what that person's life might have been had circumstances been different.

The cause of Arnie becoming a mass murderer, killing over seven hundred elderly people in various nursing homes before being apprehended, was well publicized. But a few harping critics wondered how it took so long for Arnie to be apprehended. This was explained very satisfactorily when it became known that the homes in which Arnie was employed used the same methods and criteria for determining qualifications for personnel as those of Social Services, particularly Child Protective Services.

As Arnie's trial dragged on with great publicity attached, it became clear to me that something had happened to Arnie as a child that caused him to act out this kind of antisocial behavior toward the elderly. And having honed my hypothesis with the customary rats, guinea pigs, and grad students, I was ready for Arnie.

My reputation was sufficient to gain me entrance to the poor fellow while in prison (the jury had found him guilty of mass murder but innocent by reason of insanity). Of course, the conditions for testing were ideal since he was confined to the psychiatric ward of the prison.

After days of testing, I discovered Arnie had come to this sad pass because of chalk dust. Or, rather say the lack of chalk dust. Arnie's first grade teacher, a Miss Granola, was quite elderly and well past retirement. But she used dustless chalk for writing on the blackboard.

During Arnie's regression to that point of his life, I discovered that had Miss Granola not used dust free chalk, Arnie would have been chosen to shake out the erasers. Deprived of this special privilege of responsibility, Arnie had subconsciously known he was being cheated. And cheated by an elderly person. What Arnie did not understand was that he was being cheated of the life he might have lived had he been able to shake out those erasers.

With these facts in hand, it was no trouble at all for me to convince a fine lawyer to undertake for Arnie. A new jury acquitted him on the basis of my findings and a superb defense by this fine lawyer.

So it is that PsychoSearch came into being and is now available to all that have been unjustly incarcerated for having been deprived of the lives they should have lived had they not been cheated by those like Miss Granola and dust free chalk.

But no sooner had this groundbreaking case become known to the general public by being well publicized, here came the carping critics finding fault with my efforts to restore Arnie as a productive citizen to society. However, I do want to thank our fine local paper, the Kern Valley Sun, for bringing my noble efforts in freeing that poor misunderstood and tortured soul and mass murderer, Arnie Schmartzkoptfer, to the public's attention. Where but in America would such a triumph of justice have prevailed?

But being the sensitive soul that I am, I was grieved to the quick that some few would misunderstand and misconstrue my noble efforts through PsychoSearch to the point of suggesting that I am a few feathers short of a full duck. Some even suggested (benighted souls they) that Arnie did not deserve to be set free. Fortunately for Arnie, cooler, and may I say more scientific heads prevailed. And I notice that the willow flycatcher here locally in the Kern River Valley is being subjected to the same abuse as I have been by misguided people who think they are more important than birds.

It is too easy to get caught up in emotions, trivia and peripheral issues and miss the larger picture. After all, were it not for fine legislators, a Supreme Court that cares about America, and my friends like those of the ACLU, caring, knowledgeable and sensitive people just like myself, where would America be today? Would neo-Nazis and homosexuals be free to march, publish, broadcast, and exercise their Constitutional rights as citizens of our free nation? Would the entertainment industry be free to tell children that perversion, gratuitous sex and violence are perfectly acceptable in our great society? Would our teachers be told to teach our children that homosexuality is a perfectly acceptable alternative to normal sexual behavior?

When well meaning but misguided adults and parents try to keep such things away from children, don't they understand that children know they are being cheated, deprived of the total experiences and realities of life? Such things will always lead to warped psyches and the poor Arnie's that engage in anti-social behavior.

Granted that a few eggs are broken in making an omelet, like the 700 plus elderly that Arnie dispatched (mercifully, by the way), how can it fail to grieve sensitive people that the real blame was that of a society that simplistically, even callously, failed to take his feelings into consideration? What can you say of a system that would fail poor Arnie in such a manner? This was a miscarriage of justice that cried out for amelioration!

Fortunately, most of the response to my being instrumental in freeing Arnie was quite positive. Not a few commented on the constructive action of his making so many beds available (which are becoming a premium) in nursing homes, savings in Medicare, SSI, etc. In fact, not a few suggested... but I digress.

I only regret that PsychoSearch and my services were not available for another poor misunderstood victim of society, Jeffery Dahmer. How that cruelly tormented man must have suffered! No one seemed to take his side. Imagine if you will, suffering the addiction of cannibalism. You develop a sweet tooth for something like this and few trouble themselves to understand the control it has over your life. But where was the compassionate understanding of our justice system in his case? Conspicuous by its absence!

In correspondence with George Bush while governor of Texas I made it clear to this fine presidential candidate that he needed to take another look at the death penalty. Far too many in Texas were being executed, innocent victims like Arnie, that if my talents and PsychoSearch were put to use, would be found to be stellar citizens if society had not failed them in the way it failed poor Arnie and Jeffrey.

But how many are inclined to think of such people as victims? We should beware of the labels given such people, labels like “mass murderer, rapist, serial killer,” labels that are strictly detrimental to justice and mental health, labels that deny the merits of the individuals and beat down their self-esteem. How can clear-headed people fail to see how this produces victims like Arnie? Would space allow, I would take up the case of the LAPD and police brutality in general, how many otherwise fine upstanding citizens... but alas.

Regardless the slings and arrows of the misguided, PsychoSearch (with the continued help of the ACLU, Supreme Court, Alec Baldwin, Tom Cruise and Hollywood in general, and People for the American Way) will carry on in the cause of fair play and justice for all.

    You know folks; I really don't understand my detractors. If being elderly is the excuse for running down innocent people with a car and Alzheimer's is an excuse for running over a young girl and killing her, if “insanity” is the excuse for a parent drowning five innocent children, if a prescription is the excuse for killing your own infant daughter, if alcohol and drugs are the defenses for countless murders, if an underprivileged childhood is the rationale accepted by courts to excuse crime in so many cases, why are people upset with my defending people like poor Arnie for mercifully practicing group euthanasia on the elderly and poor Jeffrey for developing a sweet tooth for eating people? But then, there were many that took Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal seriously. And if we look to the political scene, nobody is responsible or to be held accountable for anything.