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Living with bipolar disorder
Topics: bipolar disorder, mental illness, mental health, disability, manic-depression
Posted by citizenjournalist Thu Apr 5, 2007 16:41:50 PDT
Viewed 1422 times
0 responses 1 comment Bipolar disorder is the chameleon of psychiatric disorders, in layman's terms the beast of all beasts. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 1990 in the Oklahoma State Psychiatric Hospital in Norman, Oklahoma. I didn't wake up one morning with the disease; yes mental illness is a disease just like diabetes is a disease. I was born with bipolar disorder.

Since 1990, I've learned a great deal about my disorder. I can look back on my past and see I had many problems growing up. Bipolar disorder was present, but no one recognized the symptoms. We had never heard of bipolar.

I'm one of 14 children. We were extremely poor. My father was very abusive. He beat his wife and kids. I was born on his birthday, but that didn't spare me from his wrath. My father worked on farms for 90 cents an hour, 12 hours a day. He could not feed and clothe his wife and kids. I forgave my father. I think he just couldn't deal with the pressure. When I was 12, he left California. I was not to see him until 20 years later. I think my father had bipolar disorder as well. It can be hereditary, passed on from one generation to the next. I'm the only one of my siblings to have bipolar.

From 12 to 16, I was raised on welfare. I dropped out of school in 10th grade. I quit the day I turned 16. I got tired of wearing clothes with holes in them. In those days, kids made fun of you. I never had any lunch money and was always hungry. So I worked odd jobs until I was 17, then I joined the Naval Reserves. I went on active duty for two years, but was released four months early for not being able to conform to military life.

I was out of the Navy at 19. I worked in the oilfields on oil well drilling rigs for Miller & York and Hilton and Montgomery. I worked for every company in Bakersfield, but I had trouble holding a job. All of these companies fired me. At this time in my life I was shy and reclusive. I have a very high IQ but was unable to conform.

At first, I would do a good job. But soon I got bored. I went from being a good worker to a poor one. I had no desires or dreams. For me, life was like going 90 miles an hour on a roller coaster. I had trouble concentrating. I went days without sleep and drank way too much coffee. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. These are just a few of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. When you go without sleep for days, sleep deprivation sets in. The brain hurts so bad I would scream with pain. Another symptom of bipolar disorder is manic-depressive insanity. Bipolar disorder is very complex. It can disappear for years, only to return with a vengeance.

I've been married and divorced four times. I have a son by my second wife. Since his mother died in 2000, I have not seen or heard from him. I also have a son by my third wife. She lives in Indiana and I still talk to her on the phone every week. Our son lives in Arizona and I talk to him weekly. He is bipolar and an alcoholic. He has trouble holding a job and maintaining relationships. He is following my footsteps. To be bipolar is to be both blessed and cursed. Most bipolars are very smart, but the mood swings from high to low are almost more than we can bear sometimes.

I've been institutionalized in Indiana, Tennessee, Arkansas and California. I've been in KMC's 3B ward so many times, they reserved a room for me. I've had about 15 nervous breakdowns or meltdowns. I refused to take medicine because I was certain I could control my illness without meds. I've been so manic I've gone insane. One time I woke up in Arkansas in a straight jacket with no memory of how I got there. For years, I was paranoid and delusional. I was afraid to ride the bus or go outside after dark.

One time I was living with my mother and I put all of her canned goods in the freezer. I remember doing it, but I didn't know why. One time I hid food under my bed. I still don't know why I did these things. One time, I had just rented an apartment and paid the rent and deposit. The next Social Security check I got, I got on a Greyhound bus and went to Yuma, Arizona, for the winter. Another time I went to Arkansas. I used to live in my car when I could afford an apartment. I've lived on the streets and stayed in the homeless shelter. There was a time when I walked the streets of Bakersfield all night. I walked in neighborhoods that I would be scared of today. I'm lucky to be alive. I was not afraid. It was as if I had a death wish.

Another name for bipolar is manic-depression or mood swings. One mood can be high or manic and the other is low or depression. Bipolar is caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain. The manic stage is similar to an addict on methamphetamine. The ideal place to be is in the middle and I'm pretty normal. When I wouldn't take my meds I would be manic or depressed, sometimes both at the same time, plus some other symptoms all rolled into one. When I would be wildly manic, my thoughts raced 90 miles an hour. I would have moments of grandeur, my thoughts would be unrealistic. I would start a project and soon abandon it for another, unable to concentrate for any long period of time. My memory was really bad, even to this day my long-term memory has been damaged.

From 1990 to 2001, there was no way I could have held a job. I could not handle the slightest pressure. I looked OK on the outside, but in my mind I was suffering badly. In those 11 years, I was hospitalized 11 times, one time for six months. I was so out of control that my own family put me under a restraining order. I don't blame them. I didn't like myself very much either.

Today, I have my family back. When I started taking my meds and following my doctor's orders, I got so much better. I thank Dr. Goklaney and Arnie Garcia, my case worker at Team 4 in Oildale.

Read another article by J.D. Harris about Green Gardens Apartments, a housing complex for people with mental disabilities.

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Comment From: marjoriebell

Thank you very, very much for this very articulate article. Several of your symptoms should have been obvious to the family of my nephew, who died recently from a drug overdose. His disorder went untreated most of his young life. First person stories like this may really save lives for parents having difficulties with difficult children. Again, thanks for your insights, and thank heavens your condition is being treated successfully.