Bakersfield.com

By: Heather Ijames

One Wedding and Two Toddlers

 

            It was my brother’s wedding and it didn’t occur to me that my three year old had the potential to be a problem until we were already at the chapel and I was instructing him to sit still. And up until that point, I thought my biggest problem with Ethan would be getting him into his suit and getting those three nasty cowlicks down on his head. The suit was easy as he actually enjoyed all the compliments Daddy gave him upon seeing how handsome he looked. Thus, he wore the suit with pride all day and into the evening. The hair gave me a bit of a fight. I had to pull out the big guns…my own hair products. First, the mousse, then gel, then I blasted it down with super strength hair spray. God bless hairspray and all the powers it has in its immensely complex sticking structure, as it worked wonders on Ethan’s points of interest. 

            So far so good with Ethan, but the tide turned when we reached the outside of the chapel and Ethan was reunited with his twin of terror, only three months younger, cousin Kathryn. I’m a big enough person to admit that Ethan is the fire starter of the two, and I’d imagine she can be perfectly controlled if Ethan wasn’t around her. But, as it was, the two of them were together and we would later realize they had no intentions of being separated until they had both fallen asleep later that night. 

            Back to the chapel…I instantly knew Ethan was on a high being with his beloved cousin and knew I had to work some sort of threat/reward system into his consciousness before the ceremony began. This was a big day for my brother and he and his new wife were gracious enough to allow our children there to begin with, so I had to pull out all the stops. I pulled Ethan aside and said, “Imagine a big mountain of chocolate. There are peanut butter cups, chocolate chip cookies, candy bars and brownies. They can all be yours if you sit on your bottom for the entire wedding. I’m not going to warn you, I’m not going to remind you during the service, but if you want that mountain of chocolate you need to sit down and be quiet. Do you understand?” I asked. “Uh-huh!” Ethan said enthusiastically with wide eyes. 

            But, my child is my child. The wheels in that head go a mile a minute and he instantly understands ways in which Mommy’s rules don’t necessarily apply if they weren’t necessarily, and specifically, stated. Thus, when the minister asked that we all stand as the bride made her way down the aisle, and as we all remained standing while the bride’s mother sang a cover of Endless Love, Ethan took full advantage of being requested to do the opposite of sitting and began to play with his cousin. Luckily, the two of them were sandwiched by both parents on each side. But, as they took maximum opportunity to thrash around in a small space, a Discovery Channel episode of Man vs. Wild came to mind. The host, Bear Grylls, has repeatedly climbed up difficult rock faces freehand. As he does this, he instructs the viewing audience about the basic rules behind climbing. One, keep three points of contact on the object at all times while your free hand is searching for a crevice to grab a tight hold in. And two, let your legs do most of the work. 

            For some odd reason I wanted to test this concept on my toddler when I saw Ethan’s and Kathryn’s frenzy raise from moderately disrupt full to get-those-kids-outta-here disrupt full. Three points of contact, okay. I took my right hand and put it on the top of his head, my right hip was in his shoulder blades, and finally, my right foot was placed against his left foot. He calmed a bit. This was working! A minute later, he tried to break free from my three points of contact and I took my free hand and found a well known crevice between the top of his ear and side of his skull and grabbed a hold tightly. I thought I finally had this dangerous surface under submission and began to listen to the lyrics of Endless Love. Then I felt my index finger, the one placed on top of Ethan’s head, being pulled vigorously by Ethan. At least he’s not making noise and not thrashing around, I thought to myself, and let him continue. Cousin Kathryn joined in and was pulling my middle finger. When the song ended, however, I heard Ethan say clearly in the silence around us, “I’m telling you Kathryn, if you pull hard on her finger, my Mommy will toot!” 

            Oh mercy…it was definitely time to employ Bear’s second rule of letting your legs do most of the work. Since we were all being directed to sit down at this point, I guided Ethan into his seat then sat down myself. I crossed my left leg over my right and used it to block Ethan’s access from standing back up. I leaned over to him and said, “You’re sitting now, envision the chocolate.” He was a good a little boy for the rest of the ceremony and after the groom had kissed the bride and we were walking out of the chapel, my beef was with my husband. “Have you been asking Ethan to pull your finger again?” He tossed his head back and laughed. I guess that answers that question.