Stop hurting your children
By: BJ Binning
Topics: divorce, marriage, children
Posted by girljoy Fri Feb 1, 2008 17:41:43 PST
Viewed 1020 times
0 responses 2 comments
For most of us, the first thing we think about after we get married is having children, for others it is the farthest thing on the mind. For those of us who think about having children after marriage, we also need to think of what type of parents we will be. While there is not a book written that can tell you what personality your child will have and how to handle any problems that may arise, there are parenting classes that can help you prepare for this task.
If you are from the “old school,” you will think that it all comes naturally and you can handle anything but in today’s society, it is different. It does not all come naturally. Parents today are dealing with situations that they could not imagine would happen.
Divorce is a major problem for our children today. At one point, the divorce rate in California was up to 75%. What do we do when this happens to us? We need to learn to think only about our children. This is more difficult than it sounds but parents need to look at the long-term effect that this has on our children. Some children are severely traumatized by divorce, especially if the divorce is a nasty one, and/or if there is a prolonged or an intense custody battle. Some of the effects of a divorce will pass in time; others may last for weeks, years, or even the rest of a child’s life. Children who go through a divorce face major issues with self-esteem. Sometimes they even believe that they themselves caused the divorce, or that they did something wrong that made mommy and/or daddy want to not be with them. These self-esteem issues, if not addressed, can be long-lasting.
Some children also develop a lot of security issues and fears. When one parent is absent, the child can also feel lonely and depressed. Who are you as a parent to forbid your child to see the other parent? Didn’t you both make that child together? In some extreme situations, it might be the best thing for the child not to see the other parent but in some situations where the child has a mother and a father that are willing and able, who are you to deprive them from that?
Long-term studies suggest that a person’s overall social adjustment will relate directly to how her/his quality of life and her/his relationship with both of her/his parents turn out after a divorce. If both parents continue to be involved and have healthy relationships with the child, he is more likely to be well-adjusted.
Other studies suggest that there is a “sleeper effect” of divorce. This is the idea that a child that goes through a divorce will have a resurrection of fear, anger, guilt, and anxiety that does not kick in until well into adulthood. These feelings tend to arise when a young adult is attempting to make important life decisions, such as marriage. All children are affected by divorce but some more than others. It is our duty as the parent to put our differences aside and give that child the “childhood” they deserve.
So, stop trying to poison your child’s mind about the other parent. You are only hurting your child.
Allow the child to call the other parent without sitting in the room to hear the entire conversation……you are only hurting your child.
Stop calling your ex evil in front of your child…..you are only hurting your child. Say whatever you want to say when the child is not around!
Stop obsessing about what the other parent does ….in front of your child….if it is not affecting your child….you are stressing your child.
Stop putting the other down to make yourself look better….you should not have to do that and if you do, there is certainly something wrong with you….this is hurting your child!
Stop allowing the children to overhear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions about legal or business dealings between the parents.
Stop physically or psychologically attempting to pressure or influence the child concerning the personal opinion or legal proceedings between the parents…you are hurting your child…and later you will be resented for it.
Stop interrogating the child about the other parent and “DO” discourage comments by the child about the other parent…..
Cooperate, cooperate….cooperate. Stop taking your ex to court every time something goes wrong in your life! Be cordial to each other and do what is best for the CHILD.
Stop quitting your job or GET A REAL JOB and help to take care of your child instead of “mooching” on someone else. What are you teaching your child? What kind of man or woman or you teaching them to become?
Divorce is never easy for a parent; but parents you are a grown adult who has, (hopefully) mastered coping skills. Children, on the other hand, are not necessarily as prepared as an adult is in this regard. If you are going through a divorce and have children, you need to make the way that the divorce affects them your top priority.
This is not about you anymore…and the child should not have to be subjected to your opinions about the other parent. Who cares what went wrong? Go to therapy…there are many therapists who would like to help you! Your child should be of the utmost importance to you at this time….Don’t ruin their life before they even get started!
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Sat Feb 2, 2008 09:51:16 PST
You are right on the money here.The last paragraph really sums it up.This is not about the parents,it is only about the child.Well done!
Mon Feb 4, 2008 14:50:03 PST
Great Article!!!
I once hard someone say the following and it stuck on my brain...
Parents don't realize when they critize a child mother/father infront of the child, they pretty much send a message to the child that something is wrong with his/her DNA. They pretty much critize the child DNA!!!
Can you imagine telling a child part of hiS/her DNA has a problem??
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