Bakersfield.com

All > Recipes
Cooking for Myself
Topics: cooking, humor, fun
Posted by heyitsdennis Tue Jun 24, 2008 14:42:53 PDT
Viewed 170 times
0 responses 2 comments

  My money is not going as far as it used to. I’ve taken a look to see where I can cut back. House payment and bills are pretty much fixed; I solved the gas problem by filling up when the gauge reads half full, cutting my gas bills by 50%. I started washing all of my clothes in one load, saving water and soap. Now I know what they mean by “dingy whites” Checking my credit card, I see restaurant bills totaling hundreds! I will have to stop eating (not a bad idea) or start cooking for myself. I hear it is cheap, and I finally have a reason to watch Rachel Ray!
     In my kitchen I find a coffee pot, beer, Cheerio’s, something that used to be a vegetable in the fridge, bottled water, and cottage cheese in the milk carton.
   I will start simple and work my way up, maybe a sandwich to start things off. No reason to set myself up for failure.
  Sitting in front of the television I notice Rachel is using a lot of tools, I have lots of tools, guys love tools, guys like having an excuse to buy tools! She has a big knife in her hand, I need a knife.
   Looking in the yellow pages for knives I have success right away. There is a knife store at the Plaza, off I go. There are lots of knives there and I pick a 10 inch, chrome plated Bowie Knife. Bigger is always better, right? And it is only $90. That is dinner for three and a drink. This knife will last forever and I am excited that I am saving so much money!
   Rachel would be impressed with my newfound culinary skills; I think I will give her a call. But I digress.
   Next thing I notice is all of the pots and pans. I need to buy a pot, you never know when you will want soup. Back to the Yellow pages, not so lucky here so I’m off to Wal-Mart, I hear they have everything. I even found a plate and cup, matching no less! Bill was $27.29, not bad so far, right? I had to buy four plates, but they can be washed and reused, or so I am told.
   Rachel and I are buds now; she just hasn’t had a chance to return my calls.
   My tools in the kitchen are ready; my friend told me they are called utensils, whatever. Now all I need is food. I wonder where Rachel shops.
   There is a grocery store conveniently located near my house and I have made a grocery list, taped to the empty refrigerator. 
 I am hesitant to leave the house, Rachel could call any time. I need to buy an answering machine.
  The grocery store is quite impressive, but very confusing, how do you know where stuff is? I think they should arrange food by the colors. Example: You want to buy broccoli, go to the green isle. You want to buy milk, go to the white isle. Butter, of course, is in the yellow isle. See how easy that is? I will call the manager with my suggestion as soon as I figure out where to put the Fruit Loops.
   First thing required for a sandwich is meat; I choose the already cooked meat and will slice it myself with my new knife. I really have the hang of this! Mayonnaise, lettuce, a tomato, (again the knife) and a loaf of bread (should be in the white isle) are in the bag. $24.56 with a six pack and candy bar.
   I am home and just got through getting rid of that thing growing in the fridge. I am ready for assembly and Rachel is nowhere to be found, putting her on my speed dial has not worked.
   I spent a total of $141.85 for one sandwich. Not counting the trip to the emergency room for stitches. By the way, I hardly got any blood on the sandwich. A week later someone told me I should have put the Mayo in the fridge.
   I am hungry, I wonder if Rachel would like to go out to dinner.
 

Send to a Friend

Report a Violation

Comment From: bclyde1970

So how was dinner with Rachel? Comment From: heyitsdennis

As soon as we get that little "restraining order" missunderstanding cleared up we will be fine! haha