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In American culture, the male has several important duties during the holidays. By far the most important, is carving the turkey.
By genetic pattern, every adult male knows how to carve a turkey; however, sometimes interference blurs the male’s instinctive ability to carry out this duty. I really do not need to tell another male how to carve a turkey—he, of course, already knows. But in the interests of a pleasant, non-stressful holiday, I shall help by reminding him of the details.
Someone sets a large, greasy, cooked bird in front of you—it does not matter that you have never before seen a large, cooked bird. You must do your duty! You firmly grasp a long, dangerous knife and begin—NO! Someone has already used the knife and dulled it—it will not cut hot butter. Now, perhaps, you begin to perceive the multitude of pit-falls associated with this simple duty.
So, let us start at the real beginning and proceed to the end; let us build a plan:
1.    the day before--find the knife, prepare it, hide it.
2.    preparation of the knife is a most solemn ritual; this is to be done alone, with appropriate libations (IN MODERATION), out of hearing of and without the interference of any of the pesky women in your life:
a.    find or buy a real sharpening stone. Such a stone, is about 2 by 6 inches and has a coarse and a fine side; most hardware stores have such a sacred object. Forget the ‘steel’ that comes with such a knife; it is a diabolical device. If the knife is dull, it will not sharpen it. If the knife is sharp, it will make it sharper—sharp enough to take eight inches of flesh off of your arm when you miss the guard.
b.    set the stone at a convenient height and on a flat, non-slip surface—a table or workbench with a towel will serve.
c.    coat the stone with a little light oil—most any oil; cooking oil will serve.
d.    (most of us are right handed—if not, reverse the directions) grasp the handle firmly but gently with your right hand. Place the fingertips of the left hand on the back (the non-sharp side!!) as a guide
e.    place the knife flat on the stone and rotate the blade about 30 degrees—this is the angle you will diligently strive to maintain during the rest of the sharpening ritual.
f.    now, guide the sharp edge the knife across the stone as if you are cutting a thin slice. Start the stroke at the point and end at the back of the edge—do this as a single stroke. Reverse the knife and do the same to the other side of the edge (you may work from the back of the blade to the point if you wish). Do this smoothly and deliberately. Do this twice for each side; add oil as needed.
g.    test the sharpness. This activity is fraught with danger and is not for the non-male, the non-adult male, or the careless male. You may have seen someone test the sharpness of a blade with their thumb—NO, NO, NO—this is how you earn a trip to the emergency ward for several stitches. With full attention to your job, gently place the sharp edge at a 45 degree angle on your thumb nail; if it doesn’t slide along the length of the nail, it is sharp; if it slides, it is dull. Test the full length of the edge.
h.    some very dull blades may require that you use the coarse side of the sharpening stone in step ‘f’; if this is the case, finish with several strokes on the fine side of the stone. You may use extra strokes on any remaining dull places.
3.    when the knife is sharp along its’ entire edge, carefully wipe the grit and oil off of the blade with a pad (of at least 4 layers of cloth) across the back of the knife—a sharp knife will cut through two layers!! Treat a sharp knife with respect.
4.    prepare a paring knife (one of the smallest knifes) the same way. Now, hide the two knifes someplace where you and only you can find them. It is highly desirable that YOU remember where you hid them.
When it is time to carve the turkey fetch both knives with you—if you want to impress your guests, first obviously and thoroughly wash your hands, then bring the knives to the table wrapped in a clean, small towel; lay them out as a surgeon would lay out his implements. Place next to the knives a large cooking fork and a regular fork.
Now, again, someone places a large cooked bird in front of you—the knife? No, not yet. There are two more parts to the ritual. With an appropriate, solemn expression inquire if anyone would like a drumstick or a wing (ignore all teen-age males). Few will admit to this preference because it will immediately identify them as a barbarian who eats with their fingers and gnaws on bones. If someone does so identify them-selves, graciously accommodate them (no matter how much you wanted that part for yourself).
Those with weak stomachs do not have to watch this part, but you, as a strong male, must carry through—if you become upset, sit down and put on a profound, thoughtful expression until you control your unmanly queasiness. If someone questions you at this point, lie. Use the small knife and disjoint the wing at the three joints—grasp (this is why you washed your hands) and over-flex the joint; cut the meat and tendons holding the joint together. Discard the wing tip. Also, cut away and discard the triangle of skin between the three joints. Disjoint the drumstick and the thigh.
Set the wing parts and drumstick on the serving platter for later distribution if someone asked—other wise put them on a separate dish and put them in the kitchen. Trim four pieces of the dark meat from the thigh and place on the serving platter (do not try to make them even are a certain thickness—just hack them off). Handle the meat with the regular fork and the flat of the knife (if necessary, practice secretly and before-hand with a piece of cardboard).
Wipe your hands. Turn the platter with the bird so that the side without the wing and leg are away from you. Take up the cooking fork, and stab the bird in the top of the breast. This not only ensures that it is dead, but allows you to anchor it in place. Realize the bird is setting in grease. If you do not anchor it in place it will slide off the platter and fall to the floor—everyone with laugh (accept your wife, who will have kittens—note that comments on this will not be welcome); such an accident will certainly spoil the seriousness of the ritual.
Now (finally), take up the large knife. Do not wave it over your head—this is considered tacky. Besides, you do not want a sharp knife that close to your ear. Holding the bird in place with the cooking fork, remove the first slice of the breast meat—do this at about 45 degrees to the side of the bird. Attempt to cut a thickness between 1/8 and ¼ inches. Place the slice on the serving patter using the regular fork and the large knife. Take a second slice from the same place and stack it neatly and artfully half-way on the first.
Now, make a near horizontal cut to the bone through the center of the sliced area--this will keep the slices a manageable size. Take successive upper and lower slices and transfer them to the serving platter.
Having done all this with poise and élan, proceed with the meal. If the applause and shouts of ‘bravo’ are prolonged, it is permissible (with suitable humility) to take a bow. However, do place the knife on the table before you do this.
Have a pleasant holiday.