Seeking employment for pre-schooler
By: Kelly Damian
Topics: family life
Posted by KellyDamian Tue Dec 23, 2008 09:29:31 PST
Viewed 696 times
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Jobs-For-All Employment Agency
Attn: Personnel Director
Dear Sir or Madam,
In these tough economic times, I believe it is important that everyone in our family pull his or her own weight. For this reason I am requesting that your agency find a job for my four year old. I understand that some employers might balk at the idea of putting a pre-schooler on the company payroll. For this reason I am including the following vignettes in order to highlight her qualifications for the following jobs:
Negotiator
Daughter: Can I watch tv?
Me: You know the rules, one tv show after your shower.
Daughter: Please, please, please, please, please can I watch tv?
Me: No
Daughter: (dropping to her knees) Mommy pleeeeeeease? Just one show!
Me: (walking away, preparing for ensuing storm) No
Daughter: (grabbing onto the pockets of my jeans) Mommy pleeeaaaase. I pinky promise I’ll be good for the rest of the night.
Me: (feeling very ToughLove and empowered) No
Daughter: (prostrate on the floor, in a low guttural moan) Pleeeeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeease
Me: No (going into bedroom to celebrate good parenting, then pausing to wonder at sudden silence)
Daughter: (entering room) Mom, the baby’s awake.
Me: Go turn on the tv.
Actress
Me: (losing patience after trying to wrestle four year old into car seat while baby screams hysterically) That’s it, you’re not getting your treat tonight.
Daughter: Mommy, no! I’ll be good!
Me: (starting car, preparing for twenty minute drive with wailing infant and histrionic four year old) No, you lost your treat.
Daughter: Mommy no! Please! I’ll be good! Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to meeeeee! Please, mommy, please! I need my treeeeeat!
Me: (going to happy place)
Daughter: (making entire body rigid and thrashing around much like grand mal seizure) My treeeeeeeat! My treeeeeeeat!
Me: (happy place, must stay in happy place)
Daughter: (crying and beating on head and chest in manner reminiscent of biblical mourning) Mommy no, no mommy, noooooo!
Me: Is that an ice cream truck?
Daughter: (instantly calm) What?
Me: I thought I saw an ice cream truck.
Daughter: (clasping hands and smiling a la Shirley Temple) Really?
Me: Listen really carefully and if you hear it we’ll get ice cream.
Daughter: (frozen in rapturous silence)
Me: (I make my own happy place.)
Food Critic
Daughter: Is that pepper?
Me: (looking at plate, noticing a few miniscule pepper bits clinging to baked potato) No
Daughter: (voice rising in panic) Mom, its pepper!
Me: It’s not pepper, its...dirt.
Daughter: Dirt?
Me: (feeling guilty about encouraging child to eat dirt, imagining ensuing conversation with grandparents) Fine, it’s not dirt. It’s just a little bit of pepper.
Daughter: (edging toward panic) I can’t eat pepper!
Me: (annoyed that only four minutes of eating time remain before baby wakes up) Just eat the side with no pepper.
Daughter: (taking lilliputian bite of baked potato, spitting it out, then frantically rubbing tongue with napkin) Ah! Pepper!
Me: (lost in reverie, recalling eating expensive food in swanky restaurants at nine o’clock at night) Whatever, don’t eat the potato.
Daughter: Mom?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: My broccoli needs more ketchup.
As you can see, her natural ability overcomes any barriers her age might present for these jobs. References and resume can be provided upon request. I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank You,
Kelly Damian
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