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A MOTHER'S STORY - PROP 8 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 August 09 September 09 October 09 November 09 
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A MOTHER'S STORY - PROP 8
This story is written from my heart. It is not written to change peoples' minds...I do not want to debate the issue, I do not want hate mail but feel free to comment (but keep it polite). I am just writing to say that there are real people, real families on both sides of this issue and we all want what is best for our children. Thank you for reading. JUSTICE FOR JARED I am just your average mother. That fact is an important detail of MY story. In less than three weeks, we will go to the polls, again, to vote on gay marriage. We’ve been here before and we’re here again. However, for me, a mother, this time it’s personal.
In December 1980, I gave birth to my first child, a son whom for this story we will call Jared. Jared’s first year he was hospitalized numerous times for bouts of pneumonia to a diagnosis of near-miss SIDS. Our bond was strong; he was my little boy who struggled to stay alive that first year. Throughout his youth my son demonstrated compassion beyond his young years; he was smart, gifted even, caring, fun loving, talented, with his father’s good looks and his mother’s outgoing personality. He was truly a mother’s dream child. He honestly never gave me a moment’s pause to worry about his future. Teachers said he could be the next president; they raved about his gift for writing, made friends easily, and kept them. He loved life and demonstrated it when he interacted with friends -- as if the world was just not big enough to contain his happiness.
The year Jared turned 17, my sweet son disappeared. In his junior year in high school things changed, we began a journey – one that I was not prepared for. Like most parents, I talked to my kids about and watched for signs of smoking, drugs, alcohol, partying, and even teenage pregnancy, all the usual pitfalls a teenager is exposed to. Nothing, he was a good student, an active student, a good kid. I kept tabs on him, knew where he went, knew his friends, knew what was going on in his life, I made it a part of my parenting – to know. I was not prepared for what came next. His emotions were up and down, he was depressed, anxious, and for the first time in his life, angry. Every parent hears about the dreaded “teenage years.” Like the horrible “twos,” we’re always hearing parents with teens joke about the attitude, backtalk, hormones! Was this that I thought? Had it finally happened to my son?
For the first time in our lives, we had to set house rules. He fought them. His anger overwhelmed us. I honestly don’t know how our marriage and family survived as our first born seemed to spiral out of control. His depression grew, he wrote “God why have you forsaken me?” on the inside of his closet wall. We hid medication, household knives, locked away the hand guns, and dreaded coming home from work worried we would find him dead somewhere in the house. It was a dark time for our family. I remember one day showing him a school picture of when he was in 7th grade, crying and telling him, “I want this boy back, my sweet Jared, where has he gone?” He told me he was dead and never coming back. I could not fathom what had happened to my son – I could not put my head around what he had become or more importantly, why.
One day, Jared finally said to me, “I have a deep dark secret, an awful pain.” He expressed that if he told me this secret I would no longer love him or accept him, and so he kept it to himself and the anger grew. His group of friends began to change. No more the long-time friends of his youth, instead strangers occupied our house, our lives. They seemed to come out of the woodwork like, should I dare, cockroaches. Our everyday, middle class life, two working parents, two kids, a boy, a girl, began to change. I have to be honest, as a mother, I knew deep inside why the change had come about, I knew my son’s “deep, dark secret.” As a Christian, yes a Christian, I could not believe it was true so I would not allow myself to think it. Surely if this was true I thought, he’d fight it, it’s how we raised him. Jared started counseling – the depression grew as did his anger.
Then one day I finally said, “Is this deep dark secret, this awful pain, is it because you’re gay?” There I said it! I asked my handsome, talented, mini-me, child if he was gay. His response, “what if I am?” I looked at him, inside I was screaming, “NO, NO!” At that very moment (I can still remember it so well that the tears come quickly even now after all these years), my son died. Well not actually…but to me the dream of him died. The wife, children, life, everything we had hoped for, died in an instant. I cannot explain the pain, but I do remember later, telling people that at that moment I would have rather he told me he got a girl pregnant, was on drugs, or was an axe murderer – because “gay” as a mother I had not prepared for. It was not in my repertoire of “things parents watch for.” Gay to me (in 1999) was Ellen’s sitcom, my hairdresser, a stupid joke someone repeated, an old actor like Rock Hudson, or a flamboyant performer such as Liberace. At that time that was the face of gay. Gay was not my Jared, he was none of these things, he was not flamboyant or feminine, goofy at times yes, but not what defined gay for me back then – no way, no how. My response to his question, given with an anxious look, “well if you are, I don’t like it, I want grandchildren some day, but you are my son, and I love you no matter what.” Over the next decade, that statement would be tested over and over again as well as repeated.
How did I deal with this news? I must be honest, I may have felt shocked, but deep down inside I always knew he was different, there were subtle signs along the way, I just never gave it much thought, as if thinking about it might make it come true. My son was never abused, molested, or treated any different than his younger sister. He is not a pervert. He does not prey on young children. He grew up in an average middle class “Christian” home with two parents, several pets, good friends, and a very close-knit extended family; just your average all American folk.
This was uncharted territory for us as parents. We bought books for him to read. We took him to counseling, Christian and gay-support counseling. We asked him to “try kissing a girl to be sure.” Eleven years later, that suggestion is funny, “try kissing a girl to see if you change your mind.” Ignorance with a capital I! Now this is where I lose some people, some I don’t, but a great deal I do. My son Jared is gay -- he was born that way. He did not choose to be gay. Somewhere, somehow, in his genetic make-up, his feelings for the opposite sex are different from the average person.
I have an older cousin who is gay. I called him almost immediately when I started down this road. He was understanding; his words to me . . . “know that he did not choose to be gay….he was born this way . . . what person in their right mind would choose to be gay, to be persecuted, looked down upon, ridiculed? What child wants to tell their mother, I’m gay? It is a hard life, and one you would not choose if given that choice. You can try to ignore it, fight it, try counseling, but in the end, it truly is who you are and honestly not something you can change.” At that time, my son’s anger was towards God, he felt that God had forsaken him by making him gay. All these feelings, emotions, had been trapped inside him for a long time and he could not understand, why him? He later told me he had known something was different since he was as young as five. He did not know what it was, just knew he felt different. I knew it too, I just wasn’t willing to acknowledge it then. The mother I am today . . . would know what to do.
Back then, my way of coping with this news was to tell everyone I came into contact with that my son way gay. It was almost like if others could accept it and still be my friend, than I could accept it. (Nine or 10 years ago, acceptance was much different than today.) Some people actually were horrified and told me how my son was going straight to hell. Those who told me that, are not in my life today, as I do not tolerate that manner of ignorance. However, telling people was my form of therapy; therapy to embrace what God had given me, a gay son, and move forward while helping him in the process.
He needed me now more than he ever did, even more than that first year of life when he was so ill. I honestly felt and still do feel, that we are handed situations in life in hopes that somehow we can help others cope better than we did. I felt that I was supposed to come through this to help other mothers deal with the news that their son or daughter was gay. I was here to teach tolerance, acceptance, understanding and hope. Those who say people “choose” to be gay, are truly the ignorant ones. Evidence indicates that homosexually oriented males account for more than half of male youth suicide problems. It is not an easy life and definitely not one someone would “choose.” Sure, there are those whose sexual preferences have been influenced by sexual/physical abuse, chemical abuses, mental abnormalities, but the average gay individual is as normal as you and me, they are just wired differently sexually. For whatever reason, genetics being my thought, they just are. My son told me once that the way I felt towards his father, what felt like normal attraction to the opposite sex, was exactly how he felt for another man. It felt as natural to him as it did for me. He did not know any other way; this was who he was, not by choice, but by birth. That’s honest.
My beautiful Jared never did come back. In his place is a young man who is still angry. We don’t understand the anger. He’s been very lucky, even in this ultra-conservative town of Bakersfield (his words); he has wonderful friends, both gay and straight. His entire family has always accepted and embraced him with open and loving arms. To all of us, he is simply Jared, not gay Jared, just Jared.
However, he has taken on the sadness and persecution of those who have experienced prejudice and persecution. Here lies the reason for a mother’s story.
In 2000, I voted against gay marriage. At the time I felt that was the right thing to do, marriage between a man and a woman should remain intact. My son has never forgiven me; he said I did an injustice to him. One person’s vote caused a world of hurt. If I truly accept him then how could I vote against him and his future happiness? I have pondered that question these past 8 years myself. Now it’s up for a vote again. Again, I must make a choice. Do I vote my so-called “Christian” values or do I vote as the mother of a gay son? The choice is even more difficult when it’s your child.
We love Jared’s partner. We love him like a girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. We welcome him with open arms, hearts, and minds into our homes, our lives. He is simply, part of him and, therefore, part of us. How can I vote against my son’s chance to form a union with someone he loves dearly? How can I judge his feelings, his lifestyle, his future happiness, when as Christians we’re told not to make judgments, leave that for God? If my son wanted to share his life with someone, I would be happy for him as I was when his sister married. It’s eight years later, what have I truly learned? Do I choose to once again deny gay couples their civil rights? Would I be voting against gay marriage or gays in general? Does society want to forbid gay marriage in hopes that the entire gay issue will go away, because it won’t. Or, do I vote beliefs that are at the core of who I am? This is a mother’s story; a true-life story; one of love, nurturing, pain, fear, confusion, intolerance, understanding, acceptance, and finally truth. The truth is, he is my son and as his mother, I want the best for him. This time I wonder – regardless of my choice, will there be Justice for Jared?
9 comments from 9 users
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posted by
jaredkchapman
on Oct 27, 2008 at 12:26 AM
I feel for you. I'm straight and I have two beautiful boys. At this time, there is no telling who or what they will be when they grow up. But, I hope prop 8 does not pass, I hope that this will usher in a wave of tolerance... because I want my kids to grow up in the land of freedom. If one or both of them happen to be gay, I want them to have all the same rights as any other US citizen. Someone said I sounded desperate about this proposition, and they said I was gay because of my desperation. I'm desperate, because I am a parent and I care about my kids. I care about everyone's kids. This vote is about the kids, it really is. Voting no on 8 means that all these kids today will be able to marry whomever they love when they grow up. Isn't that an awesome thing!
posted by
berean7
on Oct 27, 2008 at 06:10 AM
That is a moving story. I think everyone should read it. When we as Christians master the challenge of staying true to our principles, and do it in a way that earns the world's admiration instead of its animosity, we are being a living witness for Christ. God never stopped loving the prodigal son, and neither should anyone else. posted by
KerrieB
on Oct 27, 2008 at 07:30 AM
Thanks for sharing this, JC! I hope that in time, your son can examine his anger and learn how to forgive, just as you examined your belief and learned how to accept homosexuality for what it is. The highest principle really IS love, not just protection. There are a lot of us who are against Prop. 8 for reasons of civil rights, and there are a lot of us who are against 8 because we have friends and family who are gay and whom we love and want to see treated equally under the law. Not too long ago, interracial marriage was seen as a sin, as something to be forbidden, and people of races other than white were ridiculed, persecuted, belittled, denied their basic civil rights. Some people thought that other races would never be looked at as equal citizens, and slowly, ever so slowly, a nation, a world, has come to see the light. To say that we can't change anyone's mind is obviously wrong. It takes time, and the active participation of people who see love, justice, and equality as higher values and greater duties than the condemnation of sin. I wish your family joy, and I hope that you can all grow even closer together as your family expands. posted by
ApolloDawn
on Oct 27, 2008 at 07:47 AM
Wow, thank you for sharing that. And I agree; it is recommended reading. posted by
saberhagen
on Oct 27, 2008 at 08:13 AM
JC, you and and your son Jared can take comfort in the surety that despite the passage of Prop 8, the constitutional right of homosexuals to marry will ultimately be supported by the highest courts. It is not an issue of states' rights. No state will be allowed to make law abridging anyone's basic civil and human rights despite the will of the majority. An unconstitutional law abridging the rights of any minority cannot and will not stand in this state or any other in this nation as long as our justice system is not subverted by religious ideologues. This exercise could prove to be the seminal start toward a final federal court decision making homosexual marriages legal throughout the nation. posted by
sagefever
on Oct 27, 2008 at 08:14 AM
I read this the other day~ Bakosphere link to your post and one other....what can I say to you but my heart goes to you and to your son. The love you feel for him is reflected in every word and I hope you find peace. My story~~ I lost both of my sons nine months apart,one with whom I had not reconciled, the other died in my arms from the flu. The first to die was ruining his life with drugs and alcohol,I said clean up or get out~ he left and then he cleaned up but we had not spoken ~ then he died from heart related problems. My point is simply this: Love your children,as I did,but never let anything make a parent suffer as I do.
posted by
hotandfoggy
on Oct 27, 2008 at 08:49 AM
Your story is very touching. I hope you have found a supporting church. posted by
ccas
on Oct 27, 2008 at 09:50 PM
What a beautiful and moving letter. I am so glad that you wrote. Hopefully some will read your words and really think about what being a true Christian means. It continue to amaze me to hear those people at my office who profess their Christianity make snide remarks about a coworker who is gay. But even more, it amazes me to see how my own brother totally ignores our sister since she "came out of the closet." Our sister was always the most popular girl in high school. She was beautiful, inside and out, she was artistic, creative, and intelligent. She went to a very prestegious college where she joined a soritety. She married a school mate at age 23 and raised three wonderful children all of whom graduated from college, married, and have great careers. After 40 years of marriage, she had a breakdown and tried to kill herself. She left her husband and eventually found true happiness with another woman. When I finally asked her when she knew she was gay, she said that she had known since high school days but could not disappoint our parents. It would have been a scandal in the 1950s. I voted absentee! Good luck to "Jared" and his mother. Good luck to my sister and her partner. Good luck and God bless to all who oppose Prop 8. posted by
thegrumpyskeptic
on Oct 31, 2008 at 04:46 PM
Truly moving, I enjoyed the read. I also have to young boys, I'll love them forever no matter what. Im happy you saw past the hateful institution of religion and embrace your son for what he is, just that YOUR SON. I loved your input it tugged on the old ticker, Good work
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