Today is another read through and it is not
“just” another read through. This project
calls to me as an artist and it romances me
in the soul sense. Today I start work on the
short film “Zombie High” which is being filmed
here in Bakersfield.

It is being produced by Inclusion Films.

I feel deep within that my participation in this
project is a homecoming to people who I have not met
but to whom I am closer than many people I have
known for years. It is difficult to put what
I feel today into words...

Just a week ago I was waging warfare on myself, not
sure if I wanted to go through with the audition
or not because there were too many roadblocks in
the path. Certainly these roadblocks were telling
me not to bother, right?

That’s what I hear far too often – people perceive
challenges as reasons to not do something when in
actuality, challenges are often times the exact
reason one must do something.

My challenges ran the gamut, from physical challenges
to belief challenges.

Every actor I know has some level of disbelief in himself
or herself. I knew there were more than likely people
auditioning for the role I was auditioning for who
were more suited age-wise,  who were more attractive
and more experienced. I felt that “Why bother?” voice
creeping into my preparation.

The audition day was ridiculously busy – I had more
appointments than I had time to fulfill them. Who did
I think I was, attempting to slide an important audition
into the mix? Wouldn’t it be easier just to bail on
the whole thing before it started?

My printer wasn’t working, so I couldn’t print out my resume.
(Solution: Call my friend at PIPS, email my resume, and
have them print it for me.)

The folks at my usual photo lab wouldn’t print my photos
due to copy right issues. I understand this one, it was
my own mistake. I opted to arrive at the audition sans
photos since I had previously emailed photos. I trusted
it was acceptable to not be absolutely perfect and
follow all of the guidelines exactly to their specifications.

This is enormous to me, one who likes to follow instructions
as closely as possible both for personal comfort and also
due to a life long history of “fear of making
other people mad.”

I texted Hester, who was facilitating the process, telling
her I was a bit late and would be arriving, most likely,
a couple minutes after 12 noon, the time I had first said
I would arrive.

I got closer to the downtown building praying aloud
two simple words, “Parking space, parking space, parking
space, parking space” and God heard my call. I parked
and literally floated into the basement where the
auditions were being held.

Hester met me and advised me in a manner so similar
to how I would advise auditioners, “Take a breath… yes,
just breathe…” so I did.

I didn’t allow my belief barriers to get in my way. I
didn’t allow myself to fuss over my appearance or lack
of skillfully applied make up or lack of designer clothing.
I caught my breath and before I knew it I was swept
into the audition itself.

The audition itself remains like a dream in my memory.

I remember the voices of the production team: familiar
East Coast accents. I remember the cameras and seeing
myself on a screen so I knew I was being filmed, which
normally sets me back creatively as I get self conscious
of my appearance.

I remember being directed towards my “mark” which was
taped onto the floor, which I took as a reminder to
stay grounded and not wander from my aim – doing
the best performance possible.

I remember a sea of faces, glorious faces – the participants
in the Able Program who were key collaborators in the
making of this film, some of whom asked me questions
before and after the audition itself began.

I remember letting go of my worries about not knowing
enough about what was desired of me and allowing myself
to create wildly – perhaps even a bit recklessly – loud
and silly and over the top.

I remember getting some direction and pulling back and
trying again and feeling grateful for the opportunity
to give the team what they wanted.

I remember applause and thank yous.

I remember leaving the room and floating back up the stairs
and crying on my way home. My crying was not filled with
sadness, but with an overwhelming sense of joy and hope.

My friend and neighbor, Jill, sent me a message on facebook,
asking me how it went.

I responded:

I had the best time ever at an
audition - I felt like there was a magical doorway
to my forever home right there on
18th Street and no one had told me about it
until I tumbled into it yesterday afternoon.
Head over heels over heart I fell down those
stairs to be changed, forever, even if I am
not cast in the movie. I have spent a lot of my life
working with folks who are "differently
abled"... and now, with Sam, the whole concept
is even closer - if possible to be closer than
it has always been - to my heart. Right down
to the accents of the folks who were leading the
audition reminding me of my New Jersey home.
This audition had a sense of coming home for me.
I loved each and every minute. 

Today I have read through for a movie being filmed
next month here in Bakersfield.

A homecoming, a beginning, a renewal, a blessing, a becoming.