Real Name: Andrew Vanderpool Member Since: July 09, 2007 Last Signed In: March 25, 2008 Profile Views: 163 Blog Views: 343 Simpson Proclaims Innocence, Vows to find "The Real Burglar" Misfired Nuke How To Be a Gangsta U.S. Government Approves bid for $20,000 in Subsidies for Research in Insect Torture "Flatulent" Fumes Kill on Camping Trip July 07 August 07 September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 This is the (optional) text for your sidebar. 
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Location:
Las Vegas, NV
LAS VEGAS, NV-- Following his arrest on Sunday morning in connection with an armed burglary, O.J. Simpson immediately proclaimed he's innocent and vowed to dedicate his life to the search for "the real burglar." Police took the former football star and one of his associates into custody after investigating a robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room on Thursday night. The arrest reportedly occurred without incident with former Simpson friend Al Cowlings revealing that "this time around, I refused to be the getaway driver," alluding to his 1994 slow-speed Ford Bronco chase in Los Angeles. The items stolen include various sports memorabilia relating to O.J. Simpson, which is precisely the reason why the suspect asserts his innocence. "Why would I steal my own things?," rhetorically asked Mr. Simpson. Some pundits hypothesize that Simpson started this media frenzy in order to sell more copies of his just released hypothetical tell-all book "If I Did It." Sources say the author is too dumb to realize all proceeds from the book sales have been slated to go to the Goldman family. Simpson spoke to reporters only hours after his arrest and immediately began spewing his theories on who the real burglar might be. "He might even be the same person as the real killer," the former football star mused, "he must have been getting scared that I was hot on his trail and he would soon be caught." Sources close to Simpson reveal that based on O.J.'s travels over the years, they suspect "the real killer" must be an avid golfer, because Simpson has been visiting country clubs all across the nation. Another suspect Simpson said could be "the real burglar" is Ron Goldman's father Fred. "That guy really has it in for me," he explained. O.J. is yet to hire a lawyer for his defense, and he has been trouble mounting a legal team this time around. He was dismayed to learn that his former star defender Johnnie Cochran has passed away, and that fellow attorney F. Lee Bailey had been disbarred. He is reportedly considering representing himself, especially given the news that police have recovered some clothing linked to the burglars. "I bet none of that clothing is going to fit me," confidently asserted Simpson, adding, "and if it doesn't fit, you must acquit." In case that defense fails, Simpson has already bribed andor blackmailed one of the collectors whose possessions were stolen - Alfred Beardsley announced he won't press charges and is now "on O.J.'s side." WASHINGTON D.C. - A nuke aimed from the White House was mistakenly misfired last night at 11:03 P.M., missing its preset target of Pyong-Yang, North Korea, instead destroying a remote warehouse in rural Alabama which housed the server which supported the oft-ridiculed website for political conservatives, Conservapedia. The effect of the loss of this ridiculously biased site caused widespread celebration among the general populace, except for a couple of primitive tribes in Africa, who really didn't care. The amusing, yet equally pathetic views of uneducated conservatives can no longer be hosted on Conservapedia, severing the only method of communication conservatives had, excluding phonographs. Conservatives have attempted to rebound by congregating in various Protestant churches across the southern United States, but their futile efforts have led to long debates over literal interpretations of several passages of the Bible. Those of us who remain intelligent and rational in the face of political debate can only enjoy a brief moment of tranquility and hope for its further continuation. The cause of the misfire is currently being investigated by White House officials, who report that their searches as of yet have only yielded the finding of Vice President Dick Cheney unconscious on the floor of the White House missile control room clutching an empty bottle of Absolut Vodka. Investigators insist that the Vice President wasn't involved with the misfire. Cheney himself has been unavailable for comment since he was found, as he has been recovering in his room in the White House. Guests who were at the White House dinner party last night reported seeing Cheney leave the room around 10:00 P.M. heavily intoxicated and carrying a full bottle of Absolut Vodka. White House spokesmen refused further comment, although the following short statement was released to the press early this morning in response to questions about the incident by President George Bush: "The nucular missiles which was fired from the White House late last night was an unfortunate accident. It is very regrettable that the proud users of the website known as Conservapedia can no longer meet on the Internets. I use the Google on my computer sometimes to look up maps, but this morning I searched for Conservapedia and found some of the content that was there before the website came down. The users of Conservapedia ought to be honored for adhering to such strict values which give our nation structure, and promoting unity among Americans by sharing their views with others. I apologize to them, and assure the American public that the Vice President was not involved in this issue, and that he was not carrying his hunting rifle at the time that the missile was launched. I'd also like to say thank you to all of you Americans out there for being supportive and supporting me, and may the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit bless this great country." The North Korean government used satellite imagery to trace the missile's original trajectory and determine that its intended target was Pyong-Yang, the capital city of North Korea. North Korean officials responded to the incident with great outrage and have withdrawn from all diplomatic relations with the United States and began arming its weapons of mass destruction in preparation for nuclear war against America. The United Nations declined to intervene in this potentially hostile situation, releasing a statement including a small comment about "drunken morons". North Korea is expected to issue a formal declaration of war at some point tomorrow afternoon.
A dollop of wizdumb from the author: Sitting on a park bench, you assess your life. You live in an affluent suburb, attend a country club regularly, own every technological toy known to man, and your prospects for an illustrious future seem bright. You of course conclude, as any rational person would, that your life sucks. As you walk down the oft-trodden path, listening to your iPod, your pubescent mind lights up. What if you could be cool? Not like that jock John, no way. As techno drumbeats roll over sexual tales that would make John Wayne Gacy nauseous, you know what you must do. Turning your hat sideways, you pull your pants halfway down your ass and crank up the tunes. You are going to become a gangsta. Step 1: Learn the Lingo Before you can properly ingrain yourself in the gangsta culture, you must first learn the jargon in which they converse. It goes by many names, from African American Vernacular English to Ebonics. It is essentially the same language as English, with a few minor adjustments. The first thing one must do to speak Ebonics properly is distance themselves from all attachment to good grammar, spelling, and taste. Now that you have freed yourself of the boundaries of "speaking English good," you must now make some rather drastic (yet, in principle, simple) changes to your vocabulary. The most noticeable difference between Ebonics and English is the alarming amount of z's present in an average sentence of Ebonics as opposed to English. Also, the frequency of the suffixes "natch" and "izzle" is substantially larger in Ebonics(outnumbering the occurrences in English 29:2, or thereabouts). So, simply note these changes and add them into your lexicon, and you are ready to move on. For example, in English:
Whereas in Ebonics it becomes:
This advanced level can only come with time. Moving on... Step 2: Emancipate Yourself from your Friends Being a gangsta is tough work. It requires membership in a gang (Hence gangsta. No, don't hold back your awe, I can wait). However, gaining this coveted membership requires hardcore awesomeness, a gunshot wound, and lack of association with "crackas." A "cracka," for all you uninitiated, is Ebonic slang for white person. Since, as previously mentioned, you live in an affluent suburb, chances are you know quite a few of these. Thus, you must leave all of your friends behind, preferably in a flamboyant fashion that will eventually lead to an attempt upon your life. However, there is certain etiquette involved in unceremoniously dumping your friends that must be addressed first. One must understand the delicate balance required, because presented now is something of a catch-22. You must be able to display intense loyalty to your "homeboys" (as they are so called) while simultaneously leaving them in the dust. However, though you may not know it, the solution is simple. To accomplish this seemingly impossible task, one must simply fake a personal tragedy and complain and bitch to them about it. Odds are they will abandon you, and if they don't, you may abandon them. This simplicity (which is brief and makes for great stories for the kids) will allow you to blame them entirely for the dissolution of friendship. This will be helpful when the next task comes along. However, before you move on, be sure to refer to Figure 1 to see if you've accurately embodied the gangsta persona. Step 3: Initiate Yourself into the GangThis is certainly the hardest thing about becoming a gangsta (harder, it has been argued, than joining a college fraternity) is getting into a gang. In fact, it is so complicated that, for optimal ease of use, we have split this guide into separate parts. Step 3a: Be BlackThis could be difficult if you are not, in fact, of African American descent. Many an aspiring gangsta has been shot down by this caveat. At their funerals, many eulogists have lamented the fact that the teen was "not black enough, dawg." This sort of remark, often perceived as racist by born-and-bred gangstas, has occasionally led to violence at said funeral. In one such case, they were quoted as saying "You crackas is gonna pay. Inferior whiteys!" If you wish to spare your family this senseless violence and cruelly pungent irony, you will do well to heed the steps outlined here. Don't give up, though! Though your skin burns easily in the sunlight, do not fear! You too can be a gangsta through the magic of modern technology. Many solutions exist for you, whether it be black paint (not recommended, as black people aren't usually "black," per se), plastic surgery (which "has a knack for changing a person's skin color," according to Michael Jackson), or an unnamed third possibility. Any way you choose to go about it, however, remember. Be Black. Step 3b: Stop Being WhiteThis may seem rather redundant. "Don't I stop being white," you ask, "when I become black?" However, this belief is a misconception born of naïvete and whiteness. See, being white is not only about the color of your skin, but the way you live. An aversion to violence and a penchant for peer mediation are just a couple of examples of the "whitey" lifestyle. To avoid death at the hands of laughing gangstas, rid yourself of any mannerisms you may have learned in your life. Finally, you must make sure you are able to get by with gangsta mannerisms as well. In this, exercise caution. Taking cues from 50 Cent or Chris Rock will certainly get you shot, so be careful. Step 3c: Approach The Gang Alright, this is it. You've mentally prepared yourself by wiping away every trace of your Caucasian ancestry and your suburban upbringing. All that's left is to approach the gang. Likely, when you do, you will be laughed at and shooed away. It's OK, stop crying, this is normal. No, seriously, stop crying. You just need to do something that will induce respect in the eyes of the gang. In many cases, simply killing or otherwise incapacitating another human being (preferably one belonging to a rival gang) is sufficient. Simply bring a trophy of your deed to your next attempt at joining. If they still deny you, go to the rival group and do the same. Step 4: Don't Ruin It Alright, now you're in! I knew you could do it! Now all you have to do is continue to Be Black and Not Be White for the rest of your life and you're golden. It can be a catchphrase, if you will. Just be sure not to let on that you are, in fact, white and continue speaking in Ebonics and I guarantee you will have no difficulty at all remaining a gangsta for up to three months. However, should you not follow these rules, then the inevitable next step will come sooner than you might imagine. That next step? If you insist.... Step 5: Get Shot You knew it was coming. You couldn't possibly keep up the charade for much longer. I'm surprised you've kept it up for this long as it is! But, as all good things must, this too must come to an end. And, in a not-too-surprising turn of events, you will be shot by your own gang members for lying and generally being a cracka. You will not necessarily die in this, and you may even be able to work it to your advantage should you choose to. However, chances are you're not going to want to be a member of a gang after you've experienced this. In this (very likely) case, go back to where you started. And, for the love of God, make sure your friends don't make the same mistake that you did. Gang violence was just starting to get better. What's this? Another contemplative moment?
Location:
Hebron, NE
HEBRON, Nebraska – 6-year-old Toby Hamilton of Hebron Elementary school is walking with just a bit more skip in his step these days, as the U.S. government has recently approved his bid for $20,000 in subsidies for his continuing research in the field of insect torture. Said subsidies are designated to also cover research involving arachnids, certain crustaceans, and several other “small and icky” forms of life not actively protected by animal rights activists. Lauded by the neighborhood kids of his small Midwestern hometown as “awesome” and “a crazy doo-doo booty man”, Hamilton’s field work has been a labor of love ever since his first wing-plucked butterfly. “I had this butterfly in my net and I thought, what if a butterfly couldn’t fly? Would it become butter? That was my hippopotamus. But when I finished the research it didn’t turn into butter. It was just a little stick that rolled around when I blew on it. It was funny.” The Butterfly Butter Project would be the beginning of a prolific career, including such highly acclaimed research projects as “Bipedal Walking in Daddy Longlegs with Six Smooshed Legs”, “Ant Colony Prosperity under Magnifying Glass God”, and “Roly Poly Bug Drownded [sic] in Elmer’s Glue”. Hamilton’s research reports, although written in crayon, rarely complete, and often stained with grape juice, are said by an unnamed government official to contain “data crucial to our future developments in terrorist interrogation”. Not only the government has had their eye on this cold-blooded prodigy. Hank Chobod, senior entomologist of Mississippi University says, “Hamilton’s work is deeply beneficial to this field for countless reasons. And also, it’s really frigging cool.” Hamilton’s school teachers also highly evaluate his ingenuity. “His use of pins in his summer insect collecting project was truly a work of artistic and sadistic genius. After I graded it I had nightmares for weeks, and my senior thesis in college was on Nazi human experimentation.” When asked how he plans to utilize his newly acquired financial resources, Hamilton took a break from doing donuts on his custom-made Ferrari Big Wheel to reply, “I’m thinking of getting into lizards or frogs maybe. There are all of these frogs outside of my house and they’re so stupid and loud at night and I can’t sleep. I think they could be good for something scientific.” THE DANGERS OF EXCESSIVE FLATULANCE were bought to the fore this morning after poisonous methane fumes from an Indonesian student killed six schoolchildren on a camping trip. It is thought that the students were engaged in a marathon "farting contest" after consuming "huge quantities" of baked beans. The teenagers were part a group of 20 students from capital city Jakarta. One of the students was found dead with foam on his mouth, "a strong indicator of poisoning from a saturation of fart gases in the respiratory system", policeman Thomas Pumpf said. It is thought that the lack of wind trapped the gasses within the camp-site and the build up rapidly and tragically reached lethal levels. The officer added: "Unfortunately these youths failed to assess the prevailing weather conditions before engaging in mutual flatulance games. As a result they inhaled their own poisonous fumes and were sadly overcome. I hope this will be a lesson to others who think this is a wholly safe thing to do." It is summised that one of the students may have eaten a curry, thus increasing the potency of the gases. Dietition Harold Pump agreed, "it seems that the concentration of methane in the locale does suggest that at least one, and may be more, of the students had consumed a Madras strength curry within a few hours of their death." "We haven't seen anything like this since a group of 24 girl scouts burnt themselves to death in 1965 after lighting their own noxious emissions." In later developments an area of 12 square miles was evacuated by the authorites due to the risk of explosion. Methane levels were still at dangerously high levels and a number of doctors were taken ill at the scene. It is thought it may not be safe to reclaim the bodies, "for some days". 
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