A blog about Personal Journals.
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Local Talent George the Giant Hurt on set of "America's Got Talent." The Wisdom of Steven Wright. The Lighter Side of Anger Management. The Next Round of Survivor??? And the response... People Over 35ish Should Be Dead!!!!!!!! Funnies for Sunday. July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 
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I just got home and was checking out TMZ.com (yes, a guilty pleasure) and came across some video of local entertainer George the Giant on America's Got Talent. Here'e TMZ's excerpt: Paramedics rushed to the L.A. set of "America's Got Talent" this weekend when a stunt involving a 7'3" giant went terribly wrong.
TMZ has obtained footage moments before the incident showing a contestant named George the Giant bound by chains and hung upside down from the rafters -- but that's where the tape cuts. Moments later, the footage starts again, and George can be seen being strapped into a gurney and wearing an oxygen mask while a team of medics tend to his well being. I attempted to call his cell phone to see if his wife answered and was unable to get a hold of anyone. Hope he's OK. Steven Wright is hilarious. Deadpan responses to die for. If you know who he his, then no exaplanation needed. If you don't, imagine it being said with no expression behind it. Read and think about it.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I was an only child, eventually. I lost a button hole. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it' In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone. I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. What's another word for Thesaurus? When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.' I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.... When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes. I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done." I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..." Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was... My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on hem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time". I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing. I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." On the other hand, you have different fingers. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. I was Caesarian born...can't tell...except every time I leave a room, I go out through the window. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY IDEA'S THAT THIS POST SPAWNS!!!! LOL. When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I KNOW THIS IS A LONG ONE. THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, BUT KINDA MAKES SENSE. I'M NOT BASHING TEACHERS FOR WHAT THEY DO, BUT C'MON, YOU GOT TO SEE THE LOGIC IN THE NUMBERS. GOT IT FROM G. GORDON LIDDY'S WEBSITE. Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Five businessmen and five businesswomen will be dropped into an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment at all times.
DIANA’S COMMENT: IF A TEACHER ACTUALLY WROTE THE ABOVE, SHAME ON THEM. THE SYNTAX IS ALL WRONG! (Diana is one of Liddy's producers)
Wow! kids are graduating from high school as walking morons....cannot read or write, perform basic mathematics, find the United States on a globe, tell you when World War II started or even speak basic English.
Back to competition for a moment: Do you teachers realize how much damage is being done to children by eliminating competition in schools? In the real world we compete in sports, relationships, for jobs and promotions, businesses compete for customers, churches compete for members, actors compete for salaries and box office numbers, students compete for scholarships, siblings compete for attention and affection from their parents, athletes compete to make it to the Olympics and once they arrive they compete for medals. Radio hosts compete for ratings, listeners, affiliates and sponsors. Competition is part of life and it should be taught at school! Isn’t preparing children for the real world the objective of going to school in the first place? Teachers are the ones disabling our children by disallowing competition! Children need to know how to handle success and failure. Some schools have eliminated the prestigious HONOR ROLL because it makes the lazy unmotivated students feel stupid. Stop worrying about their feelings, they will get over it. Competition will actually improve a child’s self esteem! For God's sake bring back dodge ball.... Oops was that another bad word? Not dodge ball...God? You are a teacher, you chose that road. Do you tolerate poor service at a restaurant? Most people don’t, they either leave or don’t go back. Do you put up with a lying cheating spouse? Most people don’t. When something doesn’t suit you or you’re displeased with it, change it. Stop your whining, grumbling, poor me complaining. It seems as if society as a whole, so many of you teachers have a "sense of entitlement". Get over it...we live in the greatest country on earth and the opportunities are bountiful. It may not be perfect but you can achieve anything you want - just be prepared to work for it. THE REAL WORLD FOR THE REST OF US! If teachers actually worked the same number of weeks most people work, in some states their pay would exceed $67,000.00 Not bad, not bad at all!
Holidays & Time off-2005-2006 school year Month- # of days September-5th Labor Day-- 19th for professional development Sept-2 TOTAL ANNUAL WEEK DAYS OFF 83 DAYS OFF
365 days per year minus weekends = 104 week end days [Saturday & Sunday] Teacher income is higher than most people think, and the time off perks are exceptional! STOP THE WHINING! NON-TEACHERS Most people have only 10 holidays and if they’re lucky 2 weeks vacation If teachers in Maryland worked the same number of weeks most people worked they’re pay would exceed $67,824.00 per year. This should be fun... I pulled this off of G. Gordon Liddy's website. This is so true for today.
People Over 35 Should be Dead For all my surviving friends out there. According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Let's not mention the extreme risks we took hitchhiking. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. No emailing or instant messages! Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Tests were not adjusted for any reason. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. People under 30 are WIMPS! FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THIS, I'M SURE IT CAN GO ALONG WAY! 
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