I PULLED THIS OFF OF CRAIGSLIST "BEST OF" LIST.  I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT KIND OF DEBATE THIS STIRS UP. IT EVEN HAS A REFERENCE TO RANDOMFACTOR IN IT...COULDN'T RESIST. BUT, BE SURE TO READ IT AT LEAST TWICE SO YOU DON'T MISS ANYTHING..I HAD TO.  

In the following argument of nine premises, I will aim to convince you that Jesus of Nazareth was a fictional character, and not a real person. I do not intend to sway the beliefs of many of you, nor even budge them - I know this to be an impossibility, for if the religious mind is well-trained at anything, it is circumventing rational argument. I only intend to sow seeds of doubt, in the hopes that perhaps some of you will nurture them and let them grow. Here goes.

1. Much, if not most, of the Bible is arguably fiction. Quit being so intellectually dishonest, Christians - this is the twenty-first century. That means the burden of proof is on YOU. If you make a claim about the universe, it is up to you to prove it is true, not the other way around. It is not up to us, the rest of the world, to prove your claims false - that is not scientific thinking, that is anti-scientific thinking. Because I am a man of my times, and believe in correcting ignorance, what I am doing here is out of courtesy to YOU, just as if I were to argue publicly that there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster orbiting Venus preparing to blow up Planet Earth, one of you would probably, out of simple human decency attempt to correct me and point me towards the truth. This is my way of doing that. Now, back to the Bible being fiction... that part's easy. Find me a snake with vocal chords, water that is dense enough for a human being to walk on, or a chemical process that converts complex carbohydrates to fish. Until then, you're out of luck, sucker. The evidence wins, and the evidence sides with me. These are invented stories... fictional dramas meant to impart some moral lesson. They are not real.

2. Following point two: from an objective, scrutinizing view, there is no reason to believe one story in the Bible over another. We cannot honestly engage shades of truth here - either the books in the Bible are historically true or they are not. Since they almost ubiquitously contain material to make the scientific person skeptical, we can chance to say the same is true of the entire book: either it happened, or it didn't. Therefore, it is no less plausible to disbelieve the Jesus myth than the myth about Enoch the nine-hundred year old man or the creation myth wherein God pats the first humans out of clay. Here's a hint: humans, like all other complex organisms, reached their present condition by millions of years of natural selection through the self-preservation of certain greedy genes. We can observe this happening today; anti-biotic resistant bacteria are a good example. Plus, we've mapped the human genome - we know our ancestry, and it's simian. Even Pope John Paul II said evolution is a historical fact. People did not come from clay.

3. By definition, intellect, or "reason" is the ability to revise ones beliefs in light of better argumentation. Taking simple, empirical data from the the world around you should make it easy to determine that the physical laws of the universe DO NOT CHANGE. It therefore stands to reason that "miracles" can only possible be one of two phenomena: A, an outside agent actually interfering with the laws of the universe; or B, hyperbolized coincidences. Considering the Bible was written in a time when allegory was the most common form of journalistic reporting and most people still believed spitting on a wound was an appropriate way to cure it, it is far more reasonable to assume the latter.

*Side note: Seriously Hoss, let me clue you in on something: things that are impossible to do now - like walking on water, resuscitation after days of biological death, and wine magically turning into blood - were just as impossible 2,000 years ago. There's a much greater power in the universe than "belief." It's called "observation."

4. To believe these stories, you must create strange rationalizations that do not hold up to true intellectual scrutiny. This brings us to the issue of honesty. Without deluding yourself, can you honestly answer the following questions? Such as, why doesn't God heal amputees? He heals everyone else miraculously, right? But neither you nor I have ever seen an amputee grow back a leg. Oh wait, God has a special plan for them. But isn't he supposed to be loving and just? What's with the discrimination, man? Or how about Jonah surviving in the belly of that whale? Wouldn't he be partially digested after three days? Maybe Baby Balooga had a slow metabolism?

5. Following four, and this one is my favorite: if Jesus is the one true messiah, the only God, whom you shall hath no other gods before him, yada yada, how come so many gods DID come before him having nearly identical biographies? There are no less than two dozen god-men of the ancient Mediterranean whose birth was heralded by a bright star in the East (Sirius, for those who don't practice astronomy), who were also adored by wise men, walked on water, fed the hungry, resurrected the dead, were crucified and rose again, etc. Many even had the same birthday as Jesus - December 25Th! Not coincidentally, this was the Roman Holiday of Saturnalia centuries before the clergy decided to call it Jesus' birthday. Surprise! Christians plagiarized earlier religions. I cannot spell it out any clearer than that. Knowing that, how can one believe anything Christian doctrine teaches? How do you even begin to separate what was invented from what was borrowed? You don't. The cold, hard truth is, it was an old story then, and it's an old story now. These messianic archetypes - the man that is god, the man who conquers death - existed long, long before Jesus came around. They were old news when soap was a cutting-edge technology, before written language was even invented. They are ancient flipping history. Jesus was not the anti-type of these messianic figures, he was their distillation.

7. Following point 6. If you are skeptical of this information (and you should be, as doubt is the seed of all knowing), investigate the matter for yourself. One hugely recurring problem I find when debating with Christians is that they either know very little about other religions or are ignorant of their existence entirely. This is counter-intuitive to me, and perhaps my own fault in failing to understand the religious mind. Shouldn't it be fairly crucial to make the most educated decision in choosing a religion, if practicing the "right" one is important to you? For example, you wouldn't want to choose a religion based on plagiarism, would you? Or one that literally absorbed every earlier belief system it encountered through endless politicizing or the diplomacy of the sword? Well, better crack those books then - there's a whole heap of gods who fit the Christ mold long before Christ. I suggest you begin by researching Mithra of Rome, Attis of Frigia, Dionysis of Greece, Krishna of India, and Horus of Egypt. The last should be of particular interest to you, as his mythology is almost an exact carbon copy of Jesus', right down to the twelve apostles and three-day rebound time after being murdered by jealous clergy. Though, I should point out that Horus was worshiped nearly 1000 years BEFORE Christianity began spreading through the Hebrew-populated Roman colonies. This should come as no surprise to you, as it's written right in the bible that the Hebrews came out of Egypt.

8. On a more serious note. Western civilization may have been "built" on Judeo-Christian values (at least the "don't kill" and "don't steal" parts), but we have become a modern society and have adopted the scientific way of thinking. While the aforementioned values have indisputable merits, maintaining the dogma in its entirety is no longer necessary, especially when we consider the violence and segregation it has caused throughout the ages. Furthermore, philosophically speaking, Christian ethics are severely outdated. Since the Enlightenment, the Western World has seen far superior ethicists to Jesus of Nazareth. Kant and Mill, for example, created life-affirming ethical systems that can be applied to a wider range of people without destroying their culture or beliefs about where the universe came from and what kind of sex they should consider perverse. Truly, there is no reason to cling to the old way any longer. We have adopted science and reason in every other aspect of our lives... yet somehow we have retained Bronze Age ethics? It makes no sense. Why should we continue to believe it is better to be tribalists than to be humanists? This mentality is not compatible with a just, egalitarian society. Besides, Jesus may tell us to love one another, but he also says we should maintain the Old Testament in its entirety - no cherry-picking - which means we technically must condone rape, incest, slavery, and genocide (!). If we can do away with these parts (and we have), why not do away with the whole thing?

9. In the grand scheme of things, it would be generally permissible for one to believe in Christian ethics if it were readily understood that Jesus was not a historical person, and the story is allegory. However, if you are a Christian, you probably do believe that Jesus was a real human being. This is a threat to both the advancement of science and the absolution of religious conflict in the world, two issues that are paramount to our survival as a species as our planet nears carrying capacity and is dangerously on the brink of overheating. It creates too slippery a slope for other theocratic nonsense to take hold; for example, the mindset that human beings can literally live after death (how many soldiers would we send to die if everyone believed this is the only life?); or that preserving the existence of cell clusters which bear no conceivable human traits is somehow a better aim than alleviating actual human suffering; or that sex is harmful, but killing, bigotry, and total obedience to clandestine authority are healthy practices; or that blood sacrifice is a value modern societies should endorse. But Jesus WAS a real person, you say! There's a plethora of evidence! No, not really, outside of the gospels. And those hardly count as "evidence." They are secondary sources at best. Here's why: if a historical Jesus really lived and died between 0 and 33 CE, then we know beyond a doubt that at least forty years passed before the earliest gospel - the one written by Mark - was scribed. Because the aforementioned gospel discusses the destruction of Solomon's temple, we know it was written in or sometime after 70 CE. Given the lifespan of the period, that means the author or authors were at best infants or young children when Jesus of Nazareth was supposed to have been crucified. Moreover, the gospel writers are not themselves mentioned in the gospels, and they make no claim to actually having met Jesus. None of the apostles who walked with Jesus nor anyone who even met him wrote accounts to that effect. Granted, there are certain mentions of a "Christ" in the writings of Mediterranean historians from that period (not Justin Martyr or Pontius Pilate - sorry, but those are proven forgeries). However, if are a serious Christian, these should be of little consideration to you, as you know "the Christ" is really a title that simply means "the Anointed," and was taken up by many rabbis of that time. In not ONE of these documents is a man named Jesus, or Yeshua of Nazareth mentioned.


In conclusion, the gospels which discuss the life of Jesus of Nazareth are at best hearsay, almost certainly hyperbolized, and at worst complete fabrications. What we can determine beyond a doubt is that for at least four decades after his death, everyone in the world, including his sworn followers and students, simply forgot their messiah existed. If that doesn't cast on you a serious shade of doubt, then nothing will, and perhaps I'm not "the fool".

I found this website the other day that I found hilarious.  It's called notalwaysright.com and it deals with responses to idiot customers. I'm sure everyone can relate to some of the stories that are told, and there are some doozies that made me nearly spit up on the laptop.

Here's a taste of what they have:

1. Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says, put my f***ing power on!”

Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”

Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”

Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”

Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”

Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”

Caller: *click*

MORE THINGS TO PONDER... 

THERE ARE SOME THAT ARE REPEATS AND THERE ARE SOME THAT ARE NEW, I JUST COPIED AND PASTED THE WHOLE THING.  

I WAS GETTING TIRED OF ALL THE NEGATIVE CRAPOLA GOING ON THE BLOGS LATELY.  TIME FOR FUN.  IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH....WHAT CAN YOU DO??? 

- What is the speed of dark?

- When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

- Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

- What's another word for synonym?

- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

- When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

- How can there be self-help groups?

- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

- Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

- Where are Preparations A through G?

- Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

- If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

- What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

- If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

- Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

- Hermits have no peer pressure.

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..

- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

- What a nice night for an evening.

- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

- Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

- I live on a one-way dead-end street.

- It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

- Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

- I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."

- I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

- Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

- Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

- Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

- The light went out, but where to?

- Why do banks charge you a "in-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

- Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

- Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

- Why is the alphabet in that order?

- If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

- If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

- When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

- Do fish get cramps after eating?

- How come abbreviated is such a long word?

- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

- Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

- Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

- Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

- Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

- If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

- Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

- Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

- Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

- Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

- Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

- Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

- Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

- War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

- Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

- Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

- Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

- Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

- Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

- Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

- Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

- Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- Does fuzzy logic tickle?

- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

- How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

- If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

- What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

- Ever wonder why they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

- How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

-Why do they put locks on the doors of 24 hour stores?

- What do they use to ship styrofoam?

- Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

- Why do they call them express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

- Why is abreviation such a long word?

- If sour milk is used to make you gurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?

- Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?

- Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

- Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?

- Why call it a building if it's already been built?

- Why do kamikazee pilots wear helments?

- How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

- Does "virgin wool" come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

- If the front of your car says "Dodge", do you really NEED a horn?

- What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

- When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Does fuzzy logic tickle?

- Do blind eskimoes heave seeing eye sled dogs?

- Do they have reserved parking for non handicap people at the Special Olympics?

- Why do they call it a TV set when you only get 1?

- How come wrong numbers are never busy?

- Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?

- If you shoot a mime, should you use a scilencer?

- Why call it "take a dump" when you leave something behind?

- What was the best thing before sliced bread?

- Why call them bot water heaters if the water is already hot?

- If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

- When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?

- Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive through bank machines?

- If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

- What's another word for Thesaurus?

- What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?

- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

- Why do we say something 'is out of whack'? What's a whack?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?

- Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language, could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,  tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as  they get older, then it dawned on me they're cramming for their final exam.

- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

- What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their  pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they  delivered the mail?

- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

- No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I just got home and was checking out TMZ.com (yes, a guilty pleasure) and came across some video of local entertainer George the Giant on America's Got Talent.

Here'e TMZ's excerpt: Paramedics rushed to the L.A. set of "America's Got Talent" this weekend when a stunt involving a 7'3" giant went terribly wrong.

http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main... s_oidt="0">
 

TMZ has obtained footage moments before the incident showing a contestant named George the Giant bound by chains and hung upside down from the rafters -- but that's where the tape cuts. Moments later, the footage starts again, and George can be seen being strapped into a gurney and wearing an oxygen mask while a team of medics tend to his well being.

Moments later, he was rushed to a local hospital for "complications" -- no word on what those "complications" are.

George was scheduled to appear on tonight's episode, but at this point, is it unclear -- and unlikely -- that he'll make the show.
 

I attempted to call his cell phone to see if his wife answered and was unable to get a hold of anyone. 

Hope he's OK.

Steven Wright is hilarious.  Deadpan responses to die for.  If you know who he his, then no exaplanation needed.  If you don't, imagine it being said with no expression behind it.  Read and think about it.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY IDEA'S THAT THIS POST SPAWNS!!!!  LOL.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
 
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
 
A man answered, saying "Hello."
 
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
 
Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f****in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I racked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
 
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again.
 
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a##hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a##hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
 
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a##hole!" It always cheered me up.
 
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a##hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
 
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
 
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a##hole!"
 
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
 
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a##hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a##hole, too.
 
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
 
"Yes, it is", he said.
 
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
 
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
 
"What's your name?" I asked.
 
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
 
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
 
"I'm home every evening after five."
 
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
 
"Yes?"
 
"Don, you're an a##hole!"  Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a##holes to call.
 
Then I came up with an idea. I called A##hole #1.
 
"Hello."
 
"You're an a##hole!" I said, but I didn't hang up.
 
"Are you still there?" he asked.
 
"Yeah," I said.
 
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
 
"Make me," I said.
 
"Who are you?" he asked.
 
"My name is Don Hansen."
 
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
 
"A##hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."
 
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you'd better start saying your prayers."
 
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a##hole," and hung up.
 
Then I called A##hole #2.
 
"Hello?" he said.
 
"Hello, a##hole," I said.
 
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
 
"You'll what?" I said.
 
"I'll kick you're a##," he exclaimed.
 
I answered, "Well, a##hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
 
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
 
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
 
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a##holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
 
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

I KNOW THIS IS A LONG ONE.  THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, BUT KINDA MAKES SENSE.  I'M NOT BASHING TEACHERS FOR WHAT THEY DO, BUT C'MON, YOU GOT TO SEE THE LOGIC IN THE NUMBERS. GOT IT FROM G. GORDON LIDDY'S WEBSITE.

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Five businessmen and five businesswomen will be dropped into an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks.

Each businessperson will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 32 students.

Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, two who speak limited English and three more will be labeled with “severe behavior problems”.

Each businessperson must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create materials accordingly.

They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences, while maintaining a smile at all times.

They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways. In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes, and shooting attacks.

They must attend 100 hours of workshops, faculty meetings, union meetings, and curriculum development meetings.

They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to get their two non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the mandatory state assessment tests. 

If they are sick or having a bad day, they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into their program. 

They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment at all times.

The business people will only have access to the golf course on the weekends, but on their new salary, they will not be able to afford it anyway.

There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes. On days when they do not have recess duty, the business people will be permitted to use the staff restroom as long as another survival candidate is supervising their class.

They will be provided two, 40-minute planning periods per week while their students are at activity classes. If the office copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials at this time.

The business people must continually advance their education on their own time, and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can be accomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone with money.

The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job.


 Pass this to your friends who think teaching is easy and to the ones that know it is hard. They will both benefit.

DIANA’S COMMENT: IF A TEACHER ACTUALLY WROTE THE ABOVE, SHAME ON THEM. THE SYNTAX IS ALL WRONG! (Diana is one of Liddy's producers)

READERS RESPONSE- by Steve in Maryland

Wow seems like a tough job....no quotas or goals to meet...guaranteed
employment (with tenure) regardless of how poorly you perform your job
(anybody else know of such a job?) YES, BECOME A MEMBER OF CONGRESS!

Wow! kids are graduating from high school as walking morons....cannot read or write, perform basic mathematics, find the United States on a globe, tell you when World War II started or even speak basic English.

In to work at 8 am out at 3 pm...spare me the after hours work speech, yours is not the only profession which requires after hours commitments.

Vacation for 2 weeks at Christmas...another week or so in the spring...six to seven weeks off in the summer...What would I do with all of that time off?

Don't give me crap about meetings...you think teachers are the only people who have meetings? Oh, and the union meetings - Give Me a Break!...probably the most influential problem in today's education system...GET RID OF THE UNIONS!

You must have a preconceived notion that lunch in the business community
runs two hours and consist of 3-4 martinis.  I wish! If I eat lunch, I usually work through it.

Golf...well some of the best meetings I’ve had are on the golf course. You can play all summer long.  All jobs have their perks.

No bitching about your salary....don't like it, get a different job. You don't have to be a teacher…with job security there is a cost....just like the stock market, little risk - little reward....the greater the risk the higher the reward.

Planning periods during the workday?  I should be so lucky.  My planning periods start around 5:30 am and sometimes extend until 1 am.

We all have to advance our education and training to stay competitive (or is that a bad word in school?) REAL LIFE is hugely competitive. By the way, most school systems I know offer educational financial assistance, most businesses do not.

Back to competition for a moment: Do you teachers realize how much damage is being done to children by eliminating competition in schools? In the real world we compete in sports, relationships, for jobs and promotions, businesses compete for customers, churches compete for members, actors compete for salaries and box office numbers, students compete for scholarships, siblings compete for attention and affection from their parents, athletes compete to make it to the Olympics and once they arrive they compete for medals. Radio hosts compete for ratings, listeners, affiliates and sponsors. Competition is part of life and it should be taught at school! Isn’t preparing children for the real world the objective of going to school in the first place? Teachers are the ones disabling our children by disallowing competition! Children need to know how to handle success and failure. Some schools have eliminated the prestigious HONOR ROLL because it makes the lazy unmotivated students feel stupid. Stop worrying about their feelings, they will get over it. Competition will actually improve a child’s self esteem! For God's sake bring back dodge ball.... Oops was that another bad word?  Not dodge ball...God?

You may have a difficult job but you also have loads of security, very little risk of losing your job, a great pension, great benefits, more time off than any other profession. Teachers are much better off than they think, and lead others to believe.

You are a teacher, you chose that road. Do you tolerate poor service at a restaurant? Most people don’t, they either leave or don’t go back. Do you put up with a lying cheating spouse? Most people don’t. When something doesn’t suit you or you’re displeased with it, change it.

Stop your whining, grumbling, poor me complaining.

It seems as if society as a whole, so many of you teachers have a "sense of entitlement".

Get over it...we live in the greatest country on earth and the opportunities are bountiful. 

It may not be perfect but you can achieve anything you want - just be prepared to work for it.

THE REAL WORLD FOR THE REST OF US!

If teachers actually worked the same number of weeks most people work, in some states their pay would exceed $67,000.00 Not bad, not bad at all!

JUST THE FACTS- http://www.aft.org/salary/2...
2004 Survey & Analysis -- Average Maryland teacher salary- $50,303.00 per year
Summer vacation: 10 weeks-from 6/16/06 to 8/21/06
“Winter break” 10 days off between Christmas & New Year
“Spring break” 4 week days off in April
“Professional development days”

Holidays & Time off-2005-2006 school year Month- # of days

September-5^th Labor Day-- 19^th for professional development Sept-2
October-4^th Rosh Hashana Oct-3
October-13^th -Yom Kippur Nov-2
October-21^st Teacher conference Dec-5
November-23^rd Thanksgiving- 24^th day after Jan-3
December-26^th 27^th, 28^th, 29^th, 30^th, Christmas Feb-1
Janaury- 1^st NYDay, 2^nd, day after NYday, 16^th MLK Birthday Mar-2
February-20^th President’s day Apr-4
March-27^th 28^th-Professional Development days May-1
April-Spring break 13^th, 14^th, 17^th, 18^th June-10
May-Memorial Day – 29^th 33 days
June- what no time off-oh wait, that starts on the 16^th
Summer vacation-from 6/16/06 to 8/21/06 10 weeks

TOTAL ANNUAL WEEK DAYS OFF 83 DAYS OFF

TEACHERS

365 days per year minus weekends = 104 week end days [Saturday & Sunday]
365 minus 104 = 261 week days
261 minus 83 weekdays off = 178 school days per year
178 days divided by 5 days per week--equals 35.5 weeks
Average salary in Maryland $50,303.00
50,303 divided by 178 days = 282.60 per day
Or $1,413.00 per week
Multiply 1,413.00 by 48 weeks [ number of weeks most people work each year]
If teachers worked the same number of weeks most people worked they’re pay would exceed $67,824.00 per year.

Teacher income is higher than most people think, and the time off perks are exceptional!

83 days a year! What the heck is that? What would you do?

STOP THE WHINING!

NON-TEACHERS

Most people have only 10 holidays and if they’re lucky 2 weeks vacation
That’s 20 weekdays off per year or 4 weeks total time off not counting weekends
48 total weeks worked per year
365 days per year – 104 weekend days = 260 work days
260 – 20 days off = 240 actual work days per year

If teachers in Maryland worked the same number of weeks most people worked they’re pay would exceed $67,824.00 per year.

This should be fun...

I pulled this off of G. Gordon Liddy's website.  This is so true for today.

People Over 35 Should be Dead

FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THIS,  I'M SURE IT CAN GO ALONG WAY!