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Sunday Funnies
An atheist is walking down a road along a precipice. Suddenly the stones under his feet crumble away and he falls. A small tree growing out of the rocks arrests his flight. Hanging by it with one hand, he thinks: 'Well, I have nothing to loose if I pray. Do you hear me, O Lord?' All of a sudden there is a voice:
'I do.' 'Save me, O Lord, and I will believe in You.' 'No, I will not. You all say so and then do not believe.' 'Please, very very honestly I will believe in You. I swear. Now it’s done - I believe in You.' 'Very good, I will save you. Let the twig go' 'You think I’m an idiot!?' ------------------------------------------------- - A surgeon, an architect and a politician discussed which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said, 'Well, you remember at the creation when God made Eve, he made her from a rib of Adam? That was the work of a surgeon. You can’t get more ancient than that!' Then the architect said, 'Ah, but before that God brought order out of chaos. That was the work of an architect and that makes the architect’s profession oldest.' 'Oh yeah?' said the politician, 'But who made the chaos?' 33 comments from 12 users
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posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 08:43 AM
'Oh yeah?' said the politician, 'But who made the chaos?' hehehe..good line. posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 08:48 AM
Q. What’s the difference between a Presbyterian and a Baptist? A. Presbyterians will speak to each other in the liquor store... posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 08:53 AM
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
posted by
sfinboston52
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:22 AM
LOL..that is good Nancy. I grew up in the Nazarene church 3rd gen. posted by
theColorNine
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:58 AM
Those are great, Nancy!
posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 10:36 AM
Oohhh..I fogot this one..it's one of my favorites. "Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God. posted by
woofwoof
on Oct 14, 2007 at 11:37 AM
Q: Why don't Christian Fundamentalists believe in cannons? A: They make a "big bang". Q: Why don't Christian Fundamentalists have a Navy? A: They sailed to edge of the earth and fell off. Q: How many Christian Fundamentalists does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One preacher to perform the ceremony, and millions of tax payers to pay for life support when he consumates the marriage. You might be a Christian Fundamentalist if: You read "Harry Potter" and think the title character is the villian. 90% of your friends are brain-dead, and the other 10% are brain dead on government paid life support. You think that the million year process that formed oil was carried out in 40 days by Noah's flood. You think the capitol building was built by a liberal conspiracy to look like a boob. (I won't say what you think of the Washington Monument.) posted by
randomfactor
on Oct 14, 2007 at 11:42 AM
Who made the Chaos? Discordia did. All hail Eris! posted by
sagefever
on Oct 14, 2007 at 12:05 PM
Coyote and Silver fox take umberage with that.They sang the world in to being ,as we all know.At least the Miwok believe that is how,well really one of several ways but that's my favorite.
posted by
Wayfarer
on Oct 14, 2007 at 01:40 PM
Hate to break it to you Random ,but the Princpia Discordia is not actually real. Neither is the Necromicon so you can take off the octopus hat. posted by
robbwillis
on Oct 14, 2007 at 04:21 PM
...not actually real. This from buffojournerwafermu7, who posts whoppers about "invisible mists" that protect martyrs and saints from being burned, beheaded heads that ward off locusts and large snakes that beneficially "vaporize". Once again, with increasing frequency, buffojournerwafermu7 breaks the irony meter:
posted by
Wayfarer
on Oct 14, 2007 at 05:05 PM
Ahh Robb, your irony meter is really just part of a car. Please take your medications and stop watching too many movies. they just get you worked up.
posted by
theColorNine
on Oct 14, 2007 at 05:21 PM
woofwoof - I thought your first joke was funny, but I didn't get the rest. Do you know any atheist jokes? I noticed that as a glaring difference between Nancy telling jokes poking fun at (mostly) Christians and you making fun of Christians.
posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 05:21 PM
THIS IS A JOKE BLOG....STOP THE FIGHTING ! (yikes...that was a booming voice...I wonder.....)
posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 05:23 PM
Besides..there isn't a bigoted or prejudiced bone in my body..I poke fun at everyone.
posted by
ChicoEsquela
on Oct 14, 2007 at 05:52 PM
It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls knee deep in water.
Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not go to the end of the dock and try."
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and falls up to his waist.
Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the lake and try there."
So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about to step off and try again when...
Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did it."
So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... ..and precedes to drown.So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those holes in your feet last time?!?!"
posted by
allRED
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:07 PM
Thank God for those in His hands, feet and His side. Ron posted by
randomfactor
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:20 PM
The Principia Discordia is, indeed real, Pax. As is Eris, known also as Discordia. They exist just as surely as your Bible and your God do...in that there's no way *YOU* can prove they don't exist. . The Necronomicon, thank Zeus, *IS* fiction. But don't tell Cthulhu I said so. posted by
ChicoEsquela
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:22 PM
Rene Descartes is seated at the bar.? The bartender asks "can I get you a drink?" Descartes says, "I think not." So now there's no Descartes?
P.s.: "Don't put Descartes before divorce"
posted by
allRED
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:24 PM
Random is Pax in here ? Or are you seeing miracles or having visions. posted by
randomfactor
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:33 PM
Quite right, Ron. My error. . Apologies, Buffoojournfarer. After enough blind followers with their seeing-eye dogmas, the sockpuppets all start to blend together. posted by
allRED
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:34 PM
I think you miss Pax
posted by
randomfactor
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:34 PM
Descartes was misquoted. "I drink, therefore I am." posted by
allRED
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:36 PM
Random if your coming over to the christian side could you make it Penecostal
posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:40 PM
Sigh..I guess the fun time is over. You guys sure know how to ruin a party. I'm gonna go make popcorn and sulk.
posted by
robbwillis
on Oct 14, 2007 at 06:52 PM
Please take your medications... Is that how you got to where you are? No thanks. posted by
TomW
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:18 PM
Nancy, ignore'em. I'll play.A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this garbage?" posted by
TomW
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:20 PM
A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere." posted by
NancyII
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:25 PM
hehe...love the walked everywhere one.
posted by
TomW
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:36 PM
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Are you religious?" He said: "Yes." I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915." I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off. posted by
TomW
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:49 PM
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian Universalist? A: Someone who knocks on a lot of people's doors, but isn't really sure why. __________________________ A Baptist preacher wanted to get a dog for his family. Being fundamentalist, he knew he had to get a Baptist dog. Upon visiting one kennel, the pastor tested the dog by commanding: "Fetch the Bible." The dog picked a Bible from a nearby bookshelf and brought it to him. "Find Psalm 23" caused the dog to leaf through the pages until he found the right one. Impressed, the pastor bought the dog. When he got the dog home, his wife asked if the dog could do any regular tricks. The pastor didn't know, so he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up, placed a paw on the pastor's head, and began to howl. The pastor was distraught. "We'll have to return the dog; he's Pentecostal."____________________________ There were Five country houses of worship in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. posted by
motopoet
on Oct 14, 2007 at 09:55 PM
once again the site has ripped me off of quite a few very funny jokes...my post just disappeared..im done with this place for awhile..see everyone later
posted by
TomW
on Oct 14, 2007 at 10:41 PM
Sorry to hear it, Moto. Happy trails.
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