Putin honours Stalin victims 70 years after terror
By Oleg Shchedrov Reuters - Tuesday, October 30 02:10 pm
BUTOVO, Russia (Reuters) - Russian President Vladimir Putin paid his respects on Tuesday to millions of people killed under Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin and called for the country to unite to prevent a repeat of its tragic past.
Putin, a former KGB spy, marked Russia's annual day of remembrance for the victims of Stalin's purges with a visit to Butovo, a military training ground near Moscow where tens of thousands of people were executed by firing squads.
Millions of people were executed under Stalin and many more perished from abuse and disease in a vast network of prison camps, known as the Gulags.
The victims included priests and royalists but also huge numbers of people who were simply caught up in an indiscriminate spiral of killing. This year Russia marks the 70th anniversary of the bloodiest period of the purges.
Putin attended a memorial service with Patriarch Alexiy II, head of the Russian Orthodox Church, after passing a field criss-crossed with mass graves.
"We know very well that 1937 was the peak of the purges but this year was well prepared by years of cruelty," Putin said beside a mass grave after laying flowers at a memorial.
Putin said such tragedies "happen when ostensibly attractive but empty ideas are put above fundamental values, values of human life, of rights and freedom."
"Hundreds of thousands, millions of people were killed and sent to camps, shot and tortured," he said. "These were people with their own ideas which they were unafraid of speaking out about. They were the cream of the nation."
In an appeal for national unity, Putin said: "To develop the country and choose the right path, we need political debates and even battles but to make this process creative they should not be conducted outside the cultural framework," Putin said.
Historians estimate that between 20 million and 40 million died during Stalin's rule, tearing families apart and creating a climate of fear that haunted the Soviet Union.
Also on Tuesday, dozens of mainly older Russians laid flowers at a stone memorial outside the headquarters of the former KGB -- now known as the Federal Security Service -- to remember Stalin's victims.
GREAT TERROR
Stalin, who succeeded Vladimir Lenin, started a series of purges in the 1930s that became known as the Great Terror. The NKVD security service, the predecessor to the KGB, killed hundreds of thousands of people on trumped up charges.
Butovo was just one of hundreds of killing grounds. More than 20,000 people are known to have been executed there between August 1937 and October 1938 alone, though local priests say the figure could be as high as 60,000.
"According to documents we have seen, most of the people shot here were peasants and workers, but there were many dignitaries as well," said Deacon Dmitry, a priest at the site.
"There was even a complete theatrical troupe from the Baltics massacred here," he said.
(Additional reporting by Chris Baldwin)
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.
Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.
Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.
After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the priest. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.
The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."
Clinton and St. Peter:
"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees, what powerful rivers, what beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, "Oh, my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."
1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end! -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them..
25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers-firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who, also, drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
Heavenly Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local priest.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Kids on the Old and New Testaments
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!
* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.
* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles.
* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...
........women like that are hard to find."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of
stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?
"You dumber than buffalo!
Somebody stole tent!"
>>> >BIKER BAR A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.He
>>> >finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
>>> >there
>>> >for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
>>> >joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
>>> >husky
>>> >voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
>>> >think
>>> >it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five
>>> >things:
>>> >
>>> >1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
>> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
>> 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
>>> >karate.
>> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
>>> >weightlifter.
>> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
>>> >wrestler.Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
>>> >thatjoke ?"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
>>> >mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.">
A priest has been interviewed by police on suspicion of inciting racial hatred for expressing his Christian views in his parish newsletter.
Father John Hayes, 71, was quizzed for more than an hour after commenting on the case of a Muslim girl who went to court over her wish to wear a full veil in class.
A sergeant and community support officer turned up without warning at his presbytery after an allegation was made to a Scotland Yard ‘hate crimes’ unit.
The inquisition in Hornchurch, East London, prompted a furious row about policing priorities. In the past 12 months there have been five murders, 33 rapes, 424 robberies and 2,267 burglaries in the local police borough of Havering.
Yet, despite being accused of turning a blind eye to the inflammatory remarks of some Muslim preachers of hate, the Met still found time to quiz Mr Hayes.
Last night the priest said his ‘offending’ remarks had concerned Shabina Begum, who, represented by Cherie Blair QC, claimed unsuccessfully that it was her human right to be allowed to wear her jilbab, a loose gown, in class.
After hearing an interview with the girl, Mr Hayes suggested in his internet bulletin to his parishioners that it was never possible to convince anyone by argument in matters of religion.
“My point was that you have to demonstrate what it means to be Christian through your actions,” he said.
“Apparently someone in my congregation was unhappy with my comments and, after waiting a year, went to the police to say he had been ‘disturbed’ by it.”
A fortnight ago officers knocked on the door of his home next to St Mary’s Church, Hornchurch. They said they had been sent by a superintendent.
“They said they had come to see if I had intended to incite racial hatred,” the priest said. “I was pretty surprised. It seemed to me that political correctness had gone haywire in this situation.
“They were very polite and cordial, but I did say to them that surely they had better things to be doing with their time.
“We had a long, civilised discussion and I didn’t give an inch.
“They seemed satisfied and when they eventually left the sergeant told me ‘that’s the end of the matter’. I felt the whole thing was a bit of a storm in a teacup.”
He added: “I have the greatest respect for Islam. There are so many more similarities than differences in our religions that I feel it is a great pity we concentrate on the few things that divide us.”
The decision to quiz Mr Hayes has infuriated many Met officers.
A source at the Metropolitan Police Federation, which represents rank and file officers, said: “What happened is a gross error of judgment and possibly even an abuse of power.
“The senior officer who decided on this course of action should be called to account.
“It is yet another example of the political correctness which is blighting the Met. It is plain bonkers.”
Mr Hayes, who became the priest at St Mary’s 13 years ago, said one of his main aspirations was to bring people of different backgrounds together. On Saturday night he organised a ‘One World’ evening, where his congregation brought traditional cuisine from their country of origin.
He said: “You can talk about integration until you are blue in the face, but at the end of the day it’s better to do this through actions - like getting people together over some food!”
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Evangelicals?
Evangelicals don't change lightbulbs ... they read the instructions and hope the lightbulbs will change themselves.
Agnostics?
10, as they need to debate whether or not the lightbulb
exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may
not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use
fluorescent tubes.
Conservative Anglicans?
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest that the
person changing it is a woman!
Unitarians?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your
light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in
which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists?
At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees
to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Methodists?
Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely
out, you are loved-- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 18. Bring bulb
of your choice and a covered dish.
Hare Krishnas?
10, one to change the lightbulb and 9 to dance, sing and play the tambourine while it is being changed
Quakers?
Ten to sit around in a circle and wait for the inner light
Amish?
What's a light bulb?
Jehovas Witnesses?
None. The lights are on but no one's home.
Mormons?
Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
And finally ...
How many Orthodox does it take to change a lightbulb?
Orthodox? Change? HA!
 More articles on this topic: Atheism
The Archbishop of Canterbury launched a fierce attack yesterday on the modern cult of atheism and singled out the eminent scientist Richard Dawkins.
Dr Rowan Williams responded to critics of religion by arguing that atheists had missed the point and failed to understand what Christians really believe in.
In a fierce attack on the Oxford professor and other leading atheists, he said: “There are specific areas of mismatch between what Richard Dawkins may write about and what religious people think they are doing.”
He added: “There are few things more annoying than people saying ‘I know what you mean’.” Dr Williams described Prof Dawkins as a “lively and attractive writer” but said his arguments were not fully engaging with religion.
He suggested that Prof Dawkins, the author of the best-selling The God Delusion and a leading Darwinist, was a good scientist but a poor philosopher.
“Our culture is one that deeply praises science, so we assume because someone is a good scientist, they must be a good philosopher,” he said in a lecture at Swansea University.
In a message to the critics, he said: “Don’t distract us from the real arguments by assuming that religion is an eccentric survival strategy or irrational form of explanation.”
When asked by an audience member “whose fault is Dawkins?”, Dr Williams replied that religious believers themselves were partly to blame, adding that in the past God had often been reduced “to the kind of target Dawkins and others too easily fire at”.
Dr Williams said many fellow Christians would not recognise their religion as it was described by critics.
He said: “When believers pick up Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens, we may feel as we turn the pages: ‘This is not it. Whatever the religion being attacked here, it’s not actually what I believe in’.”
He told the audience he wasn’t simply interested in defending his beliefs, but also in upholding the principle of intellectual debate.
The first argument against religion he looked at was that of it being explained as an evolutionary survival strategy, passed on through generations. Dr Williams said that Darwinian theory had wrongly been used as a way to interpret culture, not just biology, by Prof Dawkins.
He rejected Prof Dawkins’s theory which assumes culture is transmitted in a similar way to biology, through “memes” as opposed to genes, and added: “I find this philosophically crass and undeveloped at best, simply contradictory and empty at worst.”
Dr Williams added that to see religion as a survival strategy was to misunderstand it.
More than 1,000 people heard the lecture, both inside the auditorium and in overflow rooms nearby.
Prof Dawkins has been scathing in his assessment of Christian theology, which he has described as vacuous. In a Channel 4 programme, The Enemies of Reason, in August he said: “There are two ways of looking at the world — through faith and superstition, or through the rigours of logic, observation and evidence, through reason.
“Yet today reason has a battle on its hands. Reason and a respect for evidence are the source of our progress, our safeguard against fundamentalists and those who profit from obscuring the truth. We live in dangerous times when superstition is gaining ground and rational science is under attack.”
An atheist is walking down a road along a precipice. Suddenly the stones under his feet crumble away and he falls. A small tree growing out of the rocks arrests his flight. Hanging by it with one hand, he thinks: 'Well, I have nothing to loose if I pray. Do you hear me, O Lord?' All of a sudden there is a voice:
'I do.'
'Save me, O Lord, and I will believe in You.'
'No, I will not. You all say so and then do not believe.'
'Please, very very honestly I will believe in You. I swear. Now it’s done - I believe in You.'
'Very good, I will save you. Let the twig go'
'You think I’m an idiot!?'
------------------------------------------------- -
A surgeon, an architect and a politician discussed which of their professions was the oldest.
The surgeon said, 'Well, you remember at the creation when God made Eve, he made her from a rib of Adam? That was the work of a surgeon. You can’t get more ancient than that!'
Then the architect said, 'Ah, but before that God brought order out of chaos. That was the work of an architect and that makes the architect’s profession oldest.'
'Oh yeah?' said the politician, 'But who made the chaos?'
How To Get To Heaven
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all thechildren and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I
asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
"Then how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Bumper Stickers
I don't question your existence - GOD
Next time you think you're perfect...
...try walking on water
Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.
Come the rapture can I have your car?
It's okay, I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?
Jesus. Don't leave earth without him.
Eve was framed.
Signs on Church Property
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The
instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the
necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It
strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in
the room "And gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with
your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes," answered the instructor?
"I was just wondering," the man questioned, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
Does anyone know the story of the landscaping at that house on the corner of Flower and Baker Sts?
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