AMAZINGLY SIMPLE
HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING
VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT
YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM
CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT
THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN
LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT
SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH
A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Priest: How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris?
Morris: There are too many hypocrites there, Father.
Priest: Don't worry, Morris; there's always room for one more.
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:
"All right, just half of you this time!"
I am not trying to start another meaningless debate. But the movie "Expelled" is in the theater. Expelled is a documentary of the repression of academics who question the secularist dogma of evolution. I have said before that evolution has ceased to be a scientific theory and has become a article of faith in our educational system and if you don't buy in to it then you have no future in the scientific and academic community. This faith in a unproven dogma stifles real science and creativity in coming up with alternative explanations. A local college professor and blogger Publican said that this is not so ,but I have read stuff from Christian academics that say this is indeed the case. Now we have this movie cacalling attention to this issue of freedom of belief and the stifling of scientific inquiry in our centers of higher education. I don't have time to see the movie this week ,but if it is still in the theaters next week then I will make a point to see it. I think it is important enougth to vote with my dollars to encourage such projects that question pseudo sciences hold on our educational system. Here is a link to a review of the movie and anyone who has seen it please post your opinion of the movie.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/uc/...
I am reposting this artical from a professional writer and mother about her struggle to deal with her personal flaws and imperfections. Enjoy:)
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Molly Sabourin
It used to be, in the not so distant past (as in yesterday), that when my eldest boy, Elijah, was chastised for a series of questionable decisions, such as employing his selective listening skills or hiding uneaten carrots in his desk drawer, he would respond with a most frustratingly pathetic grimace and a phrase guaranteed to push my buttons:
“I’m just stupid I guess,” he would grumble. “You probably don’t even want me as your son.”
“Oh, Elijah, not this again,” I’d beg of him.
You’d think that I’d prefer this type of penitential narcissism to five-year-old Benji’s technique of adamantly denying the indisputable evidence of a crime smeared generously across his face or shoved deeply into his front pant’s pocket truly believing, while being punished for his deceitfulness, that the wrong guy had been nabbed and now he is unjustly paying the price for it. Yet as maddening and irrational as such blatant defiance can be, it points back to a sturdy constitution and a rugged, youthfully dauntless sense of worthiness that will keep dear Ben, God willing, from being crushed and irreparably damaged by future heartaches. I can work with a strong foundation, chiseling away at those knee-jerk, self-protective habits, inspiring all sorts of various takes on cheating, tattling, and slothfulness, through prayers for wisdom and discipline. But what I cannot sculpt or create with is material that crumbles to pieces the moment that pressure is applied to it; this world does not cater to fragility.
As the first-born, Elijah knows exactly how to get to me- that swollen eyes and a pained expression can slice clean through my often shaky resolve like a razor blade swiped effortlessly through Jello. If the day is getting away from us and I’m stretched too thin to be logical, his emotional degradation can double masterfully as a cover-up keeping Elijah and me both overly focused on rescuing his wounded spirit rather than nipping inappropriate behaviors in the bud. But when I am prepared, when my morning has been offered up to Christ instead of dumped haphazardly on my shoulders, I can separate myself from the drama and explain clearly, calmly, why his despondency is unacceptable, even offensive to this adoring mother. “I carried you in my body,” I tell him. “You were fearfully and wonderfully knit together with a purpose and placed precisely in my womb, in my life. To give up on your ability to grow and mature spiritually is to negate our Lord’s benevolence and compassion. To insult yourself, is to insult the one who bore you and that, sweetheart, happens to be me – the mom who sees potential oozing limitlessly from every fiber of your passionate being.”
“What I hear in confession during Lent,” said our priest last Sunday, “is that ‘Father, its not working! I am behaving worse than ever!’” And once again I was uncomfortably caught off guard by his insightful candor. Because lately it’s been one bad decision after another, a vicious cycle of impulsive and unintentional reactions gaining speed and momentum like tumbleweeds in a windstorm, revealing loads about my character and lack of restraint. “Can you ever just not stand yourself?” I asked my husband on the phone when the ugliness of my sinful nature became too obvious to ignore. “I’m just stupid, I guess” I grumbled pitifully to the Holy Trinity, “You probably don’t even want me as a disciple, as a follower, as a daughter.”
“But it is working,” my priest continued, “bringing to light our hidden transgressions.” Which is true, of course, because mine have gone on to ignite themselves like fireworks, exploding violently against the all too placid backdrop of my own self-confidence. If I hang around long enough, allowing the oppressiveness of residual smoke to fill my lungs, burn my eyes, and cloud the heavens, I too, like darling Elijah, will stay anchored in place and all choked up by my failures, which is far easier I daresay than the arduousness of a repentance requiring the dusting off of oneself, the changing of directions, and the faith to start over from scratch.
Beware of despair, said St. Isaac the Syrian. You do not serve a tyrant, but your service is to a kind Lord, Who, taking nothing from you, he has given you all. And when you did not exist at all, He fashioned you so that you would be in that [state] in which you now are. Who is sufficient to render Him thanks for the fact that He has brought us into existence? O the immeasurable grace! Who can sufficiently honor Him with hymns? For He has given us knowledge of all things. And not only of those which are manifest, but also of hidden things. For we know that if there is anything we do not know, it is necessary for us only to ask this [knowledge] from Him.But do I want to be informed? That, my friends, is the million-dollar question. Do I want to come to terms with my own helplessness not for the purpose of excusing myself from trying but to honestly assess my position, accepting my utter dependence on grace and realizing that in order to be used by Christ, I must release both puffed up and disparaging opinions about myself. We are loved, every single one of us without exception. Forgive me for doubting even momentarily that Truth, the Truth for which You willingly suffered.
Parents mess up too, you know - every day, just like their children. Look at me, Elijah. We need to quit wasting time on regret and journey forward, secure in the promises of our Savior. We must mourn our sins and then depart from them instead of wallowing in their filth and tepid stagnancy. With Christ as our core, we can endure the pruning necessary for bearing fruit, without wilting into dry and comatose nothingness. With contrition should come action and determination to be better, more obedient, less selfish than we were an hour, a minute, or a second ago. As long as we are breathing and capable of thought, we are expected to confidently seek out righteousness. Keep moving son, keep hoping, keep believing in the goodness of our God.
This essay first appeared on Molly Sabourin’s blog, www.mollysabourin.blogspot.com, and is also available as a podcast on Ancient Faith Radio (www.ancientfaith.com) under Molly’s series, Close to Home.
Molly Sabourin is a freelance writer focusing on issues of family, faith and community. Currently, she is also a weekly podcaster for Ancient Faith Radio, and a regular columnist for The Handmaiden, a quarterly journal for Orthodox Christian women. Molly lives in Indiana with her husband, Troy, and their four children.
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The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically they all died and went to the pearly gates together. St. Peter was surprised to see them. "Oh, dear! We weren't expecting you and your quarters aren't ready yet. We can't take you in and we can't send you back!" Getting an idea, he picked up the celestial phone and called Lucifer. "I have three gentlemen who are ours, but their places aren't ready yet. Could you put them up for a couple of days? I'll owe you one." The Devil reluctantly agreed.
Two days later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. You have to come get these three guys that are yours. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"
I found this moving interview with Ann Rice author of the Vampire Chronicles series. There is also a more recent one in Time Magazine ,but I haven't been able to ferret it out yet on line. http://www.christianitytoda...
A church congregation sent out requests to all the professional painters listed in their local Yellow Pages, requesting a bid on a price to repaint their church building. Almost all of the painters were within a few dollars of their competition, as expected, with the exception of one well-known, well-established, local company, which had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the community. This particular painter's bid was about half of what his competitions had bid, and naturally, was selected by the congregation to do the job.
On the morning the job began, the painter realized that he had underbid the job by 50%! Not wanting to lose the job, he decided to thin the paint out with water, so he would be able to complete the job for the price quoted.
One week later, he received a call from the priest, explaining that after the first rain, half of the paint had washed off the church. The painter returned, looked at the building, and sure enough, the job was ruined. He went inside to pray about the situation, knowing that his business' reputation was on the line. "What can I possibly do, Lord?" prayed the discouraged businessman.
Suddenly, God, in a loud voice from the altar replied, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
Ever wonder why your friends get your Email half a year after you sent it. That is those that don't take a permanent vacation to the Island on "Lost". Apparently the Internet is riddled with black holes. http://arstechnica.com/news...
This is a funny video. Brings to mind the quote "We have met the enemy and it is us."
I was walking in the Oleander area and I came across a section of the side walk that had been replaced with rubber paving. The signs surrounding the corner of 20Th and Spruce section were posted by the California Integrated Waste Management Board and state that the paving was made from recycled tires. Besides using recycled material the new side walk pavings have the advantage of being a better jogging surface and in case of floods an emergency flotation device. The question is that in the case of an earth quake does the whole side walk become a giant trampoline? That could have both good and bad consequences.
Poem to MOM
My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don't yo u ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D."
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D .
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Air's.
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees ?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?"
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I came across this music video about Tiananmen Square. It seemed relevant considering the world wide protest currently taking place against Communist China's human rights record.
Any one planning to hit the Highland Games this Saturday? I grew during a period when minorities were learning to take pride in their cultures and white culture had long disappeared into sort of a generic Heinz 57(a little bit of everything.) Also, I was raised by my Mexican American step mom in Hawaii and South Texas. I had no contact with my own mother and my Dad was Navy so I seldom saw him and this left me as the red haired boy always trying to fit in among dark skinned peoples. I have always admired the minorities with their strong families ties and traditions. It wasn't until I was an adult that I could experience anything like that in the Celtic revivals. Hope to see you all their and a word of advice."Don't make fun of the guys wearing skirts that are tossing around telephone poles and boulders."
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