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Time for the Green Machine to move onnn..... this is a shot in the dark, but here it goesss.... Will you marry me, Watermelon? So you want to be on top? I'm in love with a trader, a trader named Joe. I'M FREEEE; FREE FALLINN' CAUL the doctor, i'm about to BLOOM up! Wasn't the Sixth Sense enough...? fish out of water... i thought i was only fuhked up in the head... February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 Me in a nutshell :D 
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i thought i was only fuhked up in the head...
It's been 584 days since my eating disorder began. That's one year, seven months, and six days of constant struggling both physically and mentally. About 213 days into my anorexia, I was running two miles in fourteen minutes- which was a big turn around from my 15 minute mile time in high school. Mentally, I was a wreck, but physically I felt unstoppable, strong, and robotic almost. Summer or Winter, it didn't matter, for I just ran like I had been a marathon runner all my life. Now that I am mentally stable in my disorder and recovery, I decided it was time. I laced up my tennis shoes and charged up the iPod. Within the first song, I took a deep breath, looked straight ahead and decided to start out easy today. I had the route planned out in my head; no major streets, just a few cul de sacs here and there. Two minutes into my jog, I swear I felt as if I were a butterfly coming out of it's caccoon for the first time. Sure, it was a little rocky at first but I was beginning to feel a sense of being (for those you who run, I am hoping you can relate to this feeling). Four minutes in, I began to feel my heart beat like that of a mouse wrapped in the coil of a hungry snake (you know you're gonna die, you just don't when) . I could feel the various palpitations that my doctor had warned me about so many times. Five minutes in my legs grew weak and numb. I found myself tripping over my own two feet every few steps. By the end of the second song, about seven minutes, I had felt like a failure. Walking the rest of the way home, my mind was blank while my body was reminding me of how stupid I was.... I hope my body forgives me someday soon. So much for thinking I was superman.... 13 comments from 12 users
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posted by
FloridaStateGrad
on Jun 7, 2008 at 08:16 PM
Don't give up hope. Stay with your goals, and work on them little by little. Chart your progress. You can beat the illness. posted by
gsisola
on Jun 7, 2008 at 09:11 PM
Man, that's great. I have always been overweight most of my life... in 2004 I started walking 4-5 miles a day... doing sit-ups and a little weight training.... I lost 60 lbs. and felt really good.... then in Aug. 2004 my appendix burst (nearly fatal) and I have never got back into the walking routine.... but I think I will now after getting this inspiration.... cause man I am fat again.... Thank You !! posted by
CatherineBaker
on Jun 7, 2008 at 09:45 PM
Keep your chin up, Babe! Every one of us on this planet has some problem of some kind. We're all challenged in some way. I'm glad that you know what your challenge is (many don't) and are taking steps to overcome it. You're still very young and are still recovering. Give your body time to heal, and give yourself a hug. Believe me, once you hit your thirties, you kinda start accepting yourself the way you are, good and bad. You get comfortable in your own skin and you get a lot more confidence. So hang in there, and cut yourself some slack. posted by
FrankieV2
on Jun 7, 2008 at 10:18 PM
running aint easy. You have to build your way up. I was struggling with 3.5 miles a few weeks ago and now i'm up to 5. And kick ass songs on the ipod help a lot. Make a playlist specifically for running. Here's a few from mine that really give me a boost....Coheed And Cambria - The Running Free, Atreyu - Becoming The Bull and Disturbed - The Game. posted by
adampayne
on Jun 7, 2008 at 10:57 PM
Sounds like your mind is ready, but your body needs some prep work. Try setting some short distance goals to get your legs and lungs back in sync. Good luck! posted by
witbee
on Jun 8, 2008 at 08:12 AM
Baby steps! If I went for a jog, I'm not sure I would get passed the first song. posted by
sagefever
on Jun 8, 2008 at 09:15 AM
Great advice from all above. You should be proud of yourself! P.S. You are a cute kid! And a lovely young woman.
posted by
Shwaine
on Jun 8, 2008 at 08:33 PM
As others have said, take baby steps and don't get discouraged. After I damaged my knee severely, it took 6 months to even be able to bike a mile and over a year to get up to being able to bike 5 miles. The body heals very slowly at times. You might want to work out an exercise plan with your doctor or a physical therapist so you don't overdo it. posted by
Tiffanilynn
on Jun 9, 2008 at 10:53 AM
Take it easy, you can do anything you put your mind to, but you dont want to over due your body.. I had to learn that the hard way... i dislocated my knee, and its Still not allowing me to do anything, right now im in a kick boxing arobics class, taking the baby steps to build myself up again, but im so out of shape. Keep your head up, take it slow, and you will do great!! you got a lot farther then i would have!! posted by
lapetitemoi
on Aug 29, 2008 at 04:33 AM
Dude, I relate SOOOOOO much to your story here. Especially the "Superman" complex. Absolutely. posted by
eaguilar
on Sep 2, 2008 at 04:59 PM
You are not a failure and you shouldn't feel like one at all! Your body just has to get used to running again — and it will. Just keep at it and practice, practice, practice and be patient with yourself! You may not be "superman" but remember you are a superfox! And you can do this and you can accomplish this, girlie! I love running, it feels so good; the most natural high there is!! Glad you are doing the good ol' Vaulkslauf this year! You go girl!! posted by
bakobornnraised
on Sep 2, 2008 at 07:49 PM
Update: I'm up to running 2-3 miles a day now. It feels incredible and I feel so good about myself. I used to starve myself to control my life, and now i run where ever my legs take me- and that's my own sense of control now. I'm replenishing my body with what it needs and am loving life. I've gone from running four minutes and being winded to running 25 minutes and wanting more! I've been told to observe the Volkslauf before I take part in it, so i'm only going to watch it this year and shoot for the 10K next year; 3K is a waste of money someone told me....
posted by
eaguilar
on Sep 4, 2008 at 09:44 AM
That is awesome to hear, girle! I am so very proud of you!! Keep it up, your body will thank you! Thanks for the update. : )
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