So christmas is over, we all ate too much, got too many gifts to return/exchange, got gift cards to spend, and we're making plans about next year.

What are you planning? Quitting smoking? Joining a gym? Quit your job? Chase your dream? These are all very good, achievable  goals. But wait, why are you making plans now?  Because its a new year? Is it really the right time for you to make these plans, are all we just a bunch of zombies expecting things to change because we just want them to?

Haven't we learned from the past that they very seldom come true? I don't want to say all, because i'm sure there are a lot of people who've made radical changes in their life, but in all honestly, go to the gym in March, April, and see how many people are still going strong. How long can one quit smoking by ones own "willpower"? Not very long.

Life changes are all about timing. Not timing because of a new year, but because it is the RIGHT time for you. Stop and think. Are you REALLY ready to let go?

I smoked on/off for about 6 years, I'd quit for up to 6 months and start up again. It is a very hard habit to break. I started on Welbitruin and I willingly quit like a month or two later. The cravings were gone, but it was still a very hard habit to break. But I was ready, I had my last ciggerate probably about 6 years ago.

If you are stuck in a rut in your life, think about what it is you really want. What do you love? What's stopping you from pursuing it? If for example you want to be in a play but you're afraid of public speaking, wouldn't you take a class of some sort to help you deal with this fear?

Fear is the most harmful emotion. I know in my life I've been afraid of failure, but also afraid of success. What if you do get your goal, and you still feel the same? When I lost a lot of weight, I assumed I'd like myself better. And I did; for a while. I've learned time after time that happiness does not come from improving the outside; it comes from within.

Addiction is something I am very familiar with. Nicotine, alcohol, food, obsession with perfection, etc, etc. It is merely a void in ones heart, trying to get filled from ciggerates, boos, food, etc. It works.. temporarily. But the instant you can't get it, the hole gets bigger.

I've pretty much hated myself for most of my life. And i'm not saying everyone feels the way I did, but if you're unhappy with your current situation in life, stop and think. What is it you can really do to improve yourself and your life?

I forget who said it, but one quote sums it up. "Until you've made peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have". Making peace with yourself seems like an impossible task to some. I know I felt that way. I felt my very existance was a mistake, and I was a walking, talking failure. When people looked at me, I wanted to crawl into a dark hole.

I had to crawl out of the hole, and look up. It's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people, but you won't find peace in yourself BY yourself. People on earth can help to a certain extent, but the answer isn't in you, in your parent, sibling, friend, etc. They can assist you, but noone on earth can give you peace.

The answer is simple. If you want to know peace, who you are, and what you should be doing, ask. You can't answer any question without first asking the question. Don't avoid the question by assuming you know what is best for you. Ask. You will get an answer; when you're ready for it.

Well luckily, I didn't get a lot of stuff this Christmas. Thank God. I ordinarily get a lot. (I'm a spoiled only child)

The stuff I need I already have. I'm not in the greatest shape of my life, but I've got weights, exercise ball, stretchy thingies, yoga mat, and even a little portable stairmaster that refuses to break (well its sorta broken but it works) and I have gym memberships I don't need. I have a truck thats got a lot of damage, but its body stuff. It runs. So I don't care. I have  clothes. (some too big, some too small). But I have sweats, jackets. I have a warm bed, I have food. (really, too much food as of right now). So what other kind of stuff do I need?

Oh that pesky human desire. I have the need to "fit in". The need to feel happy like I think others feel. (only based on the fact that they are outgoing, and I'm not). The need to feel like I need to explain myself to others. People don't like the decisions I make, or the things they think I should be working for. It seems as though people's lives are soley based on "coulds" and "shoulds". Yes I could be this, act like that, I should be doing this and this by this age or 10 years ago. I don't think a lot of people can actually fathom the idea that there's people out in the world that don't care about others expectations.

You "should" be married by this age. Says who? You "should" have a career by that age. Says who? It's a bunch of garbage. We aren't all cookie-cutter robot people. We all have different experiences in life. Some of us are born knowing what we want to do in life. Others take half a lifetime. Some of us have 5 kids, some of us have none. Is one person "better" than the other?

I don't think anyone is pathetic for the life they lead. So you've had a million different jobs. So what. Or tried college many times with no graduation. So what. Does that make someone a BAD person? No, I'd think of them more as going through life at a different pace than "everyone".

I say these things obviously because of experience. People who know me in every day life, other than a select few, don't see me; don't know me. They see the coulda shouldas, or they identify me through my mother. Am I a nobody because the way I live? Where is my identity, and why can't a lot of people see past these things I have or don't have? Does the question "what do you do" define you? My identity used to be my weight. (thanks to compulsive overeating and later an eating disorder). And yeah I bought in for a long time to my mothers identity.

I have bought into it, for a long time. Believing that I was a low human being because of this and that. I always felt as though I had to justify my very existance, and to tell anyone of anything of my life was pure humiliation. Something along the lines of the dream (nightmare) of showing up to work/school in your underwear. I bought into it so much that I always felt it, no matter what I was doing. My life, my very being, was an embarassment.

So where is my identity? Its nothing I can put my finger on. It's the way I was designed when I was born. It isn't what you do; rather how you do it. Are you the kind of person who tries to attract flies with vinegar or honey? Do you try to control people or accept them? Half-empty or half-full? You get the idea.

What I don't understand about humans is (for the most part) having such a hard time accepting people based on their own version of coulda shouldas. We all grew up differently, with different people, and have all own vision of life. Visions of our OWN life, it doesn't mean everyone else in the world needs to live up to that standard. But imagine how boring life would be if we did that.. dr phil would be out of a job!

Sigh. It just makes me sad how much judgement gets in the way of life.

as Mother Teresa said "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." And really; life is too short.

I have spent 95% of my life trying to please myself. I bought things, I did nice things for myself, I did all sorts of things to be happy. (Eating was #1, I could never get enough chocolate). But living for myself wasn't doing any good, for me and especially for everyone else.  I used to think "well, no one else is going to take care of me, so I have to do it". It was a statment from a bitter angry person, I felt that I was "owed" happiness for all the suffering I had been caused in my life (due to a lot of different reasons). But I kept getting caught in my own tornado, the more I tried to live for myself, the more I got dropped kicked in the teeth. I'd get more and more angry because other "things" kept getting in the way. Like other people.

I couldn't stand most of the population because I just viewed them as ignorant and wanted nothing to do with them. I only wanted to be around people when they could do something for ME, listen to ME, I was completely self-absorbed with my problems and my life.I used to want to run people over for getting in "my" way. For interrupting "my" pursuit for happiness.

Then something happened, it was pointed out to me from someone else that I was a miserable person and I needed help. And I sure did. I've gone through a lot, and nearly two years later I can reflect back on the person I used to be, and where I am today.

My happiest days is when I lose myself and enjoy the company of others, doing things for others. I can have a conversation with a friend and not just idly sit waiting for them to stop talking about themselves so I can talk about myself. Now I listen to what they are saying, and what they aren't saying. These are the most rewarding times in life.

I've heard it said that "if you take care of Gods business, God will take care of YOUR business". I know for some people hearing "God" is a turn-off, I know I used to be a non-believer. But I promise you, it works, and its infinitely more rewarding.

Today I visited friends, making plans to visit friends/family to give christmas presents, I give away freely what I have, which isn't a lot, but it's something. I volunteer, I go to support groups to support other people, I make myself available, and it tastes better than chocolate cake with extra icing.

Christmas of course is the time of the year when we feel it is our "duty" to live and please others. But while people are shopping for their friends and family, they forget the people in the stores with them are also someone elses friend or family member, and they get rude, cutting people off in line, taking the last (something), stealing a parking spot or whatever else. We forget that everyone else is just trying to do something for someone they love, but just because you don't know them, it doesn't mean they are really a stranger. Christmas isn't JUST about loving your friends and family, that part is easy. The hard part is realizing that, as the song says "i am human and i need to be loved, just like everyone else does".

If you want a truly rewarding Christmas this year, give away what you have. It doesn't mean money or presents, sometimes it can be just a understanding smile, or allowing someone who is frantic/stressed out go in line ahead of you, just knowing that a small gesture can make someones day will make YOUR day. Promise. Taking that step is very hard sometimes, but the reward is immeasurable.

My dad had a mustang 5.0 for a long time, and the licence plate holder read "he who dies with the most toys, wins". I never understood the meaning of that. I'd just think "win?" How is that even possible? Yes, I am a analyzer and overthinker, even years before I hit puberty.

The licence plate is a joke.. but is it? Or is it a joke because its true?

We're taught to have more, work more to collect more, bigger, better, faster more. Always on the move to get more. Have things that other people don't have, and therefore that makes YOU a better person. Not true? Why are celebrities treated as gods? Because of their brains and actions? No I'd say it has more to do with the fact that they are rich and beautiful. Nevermind the fact that they take millions of dollars and spend an incredible amount of money on themselves. There are of course the selected few that give back, but mostly, they spend thousands/millions of dollars on "things". Houses, cars, clothes, make-up and even thousands on their pets. They do nothing except "act", look  beautiful and say virtually nothing meaningful. (Again, there are a few exceptions). All you gotta do is watch vh1's show "the fabulous life of..." or mtv cribs. These people show off their "things", and we envy them. We wish we had what they had.  But what do they really have?

I feel sorry for celebrities; I really do. They have people constantly feeding their egos, they spend too much time making themselves beautiful outwardly, and probably obsessing mentally about how fat and ugly they think they are. They have people constantly following them around, taking pictures, analyzing everything they wear, say, and do. They get paid way too much money and given too much power. No, I don't envy them, I feel bad for them that they believe they deserve all the riches they get. And I feel even more pity for those who follow them around like hawks, believing all the lies they are spewing out, even without saying a word.

It is probably obvious that I am not impressed by anyone based on what they own. I am more interested in the people that they ARE, and what they DO. There are people in this world who make a "normal" or even poverty level wage, and yet they are happy and they give back what they give. It is of very little favor to give money away when you have way more than you could ever spend in a life time, but it is greater to give when you have virtually nothing to give. When I see celebrities boosting their egos because they gave to this or that charity, it takes away the whole meaning of charity. You do charity because it is the right thing to do, not to announce it and to make people think you're a wonderful person.

I have a card that I have in my car, it is a black and white photo of a guy holding up a dog drinking out of a water fountain, and there's a quote underneath that says 'what are we here for, if not to make life less difficult for one another?" Isn't that what the true meaning of life is? I am a believer that the reward in life is not in THIS life, but what comes after. Holding onto what is on this earth is running into a brick wall. No matter what happens when our time on earth is done, all we can bring is ourselves.