A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a
$20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,

"Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started
going up. He said, "I am going to give this
$20 to one of you, but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked,
"Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he continued, "what if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and
started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants
this $20?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it
because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.

"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground
into the dirt by the decisions we make and
the circumstances that come our way. We feel
as though we are worthless. But no matter
what has happened or what will happen,
you will neverlose your value: dirty or clean,
crumpled or finely creased, you are
still priceless to those who love you."
The worth of our lives comes not in what
we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

Fear is something that, like all of us, has been a huge part of me. We humans are 80% water, well, fear has been 80% of me too. I grew up in a.. not-so-normal family setting, and most of my fears were irrational; I don't mean that to say that if someone else has this fear that it makes THEM irrational or anything, but since so many fears have faded, I now look back and just think.. wow. Fear is power, and fear makes us power-less.

I have been such a fear based person that I honestly spent most of my 20s being isolated. I didn't leave the house much, and I didn't see the sun much either. I wouldn't be awake very long to see the sun. I had serious social anxiety, I was painfully shy, a total people-pleaser ("I will be whoever you want me to be, and I'll do whatever you want me to do). I've been afraid of being right, afraid of being wrong, afraid of trying, afraid of failure, afraid of sucess, afraid of speaking out, afraid of speaking up, but the most paralyzing most powerul fear is the fear of just living in a way that is just for me. Writing my own rules to life, instead of just being a sheep wandering from one herd to another, listening and believing whatever baa's are said.

I am the opposite of pretty much everyone in my family. Physcially I'm different because I have different DNA, but I'm different in every other way too. It has caused a lot of insecurity. I went to a predominately white school, and maybe that had nothing to do with it, but i was an outcast there too. I had looooong dark brown hair, I was painfully shy, and I was the kid nobody wanted to be caught dead talking to. I made my first friend in 6th grade.

One of the great things about life is nothing is permanet. Everything is always changing. The past few years I've undergone a lot of changing, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had no belief if anything, my serious belief is that I'm a joke, I'm a failure, I'm nothing, I will ALWAYS be nothing, and that's just the way it is. that's the way it's always going to be. I wish I could say I'm the opposite now, but I'm in a transition. I haven't crossed the line to true optimism,  but the changes in me are huge.

I wake up anywhere from 6 to 7:30a.m. every morning. I have virtually no problem speaking in front of a large group of people (as long as I know what I'm talking about!!) I don't get anxious, nervous, or "try" to do or be anything other than myself. If someone says or does something rude, I don't take it personal. My anxious confusion is gone. My questioning my very existance is gone. My strong desires to have "certain" people in my life and to have them love me the way I "want" them to is gone. I don't criticise myself for my pesky imperfections, for "letting people down". My anger about the past is virtually gone.

I'm of course human and as long as I have a pulse and a functioning brain, I will have fears and insecurities, but the thing that's changed is that it doesn't control ME. It doesn't run my life. I don't have a storybook life, but at age 31, i feel like i DO have a life, and i DO have a future. Something I've never, EVER had before.

And in closing I have to add, that *I* did not change me. Us humans are incapable of changing ourselves, trust me, I've tried. The change came from God, all I did was believe in Him and He did everything for me.

A woman, a friend, I met about six-ish months ago, she is younger than me (mid-20s) and she has had a hard life with her struggles with her family and herself. I don't know the entire story but I know bits and pieces. We all have our own stories, not that hers is any better or mine is some walk in the park.

It is (unfortunately) true that time does not heal all wounds. Mostly, I've been completely heartbroken, and I just didn't know it. I've had a lot of heartbreaking moments in my life, as we all have, and I haven't been able to deal with it. 

One day, the pain people have caused me, will come back to them. Maybe it's already happened. I don't have to do anything, it's a law of life. Just like I'll get what I've deserve when I get payback for the pain I've caused people in my life. Nobody escapes. Nobody can hide.

It's so true that resentments hurt nobody but ourselves. Like holding onto a hot potato, we're the only ones that get burned. They might or may not know the grudge we are holding against them, but really, what good does it do to them?

My life has never really been about my life, it was just "getting through" until the next disaster. But now, today, I choose different. I can't do a thing to change the past, all I can do is reflect on it, learn from it, and move on. Holding onto the hot potato is like running a race constantly looking back, it slows me down.

When I hear "one dollar" for something, it immediately triggers me to a great movie of the 80s, Better Off Dead, I think it was, where a paperboy is chasing a family over two dollars. TWO DOLLARS! TWO DOLLARS! I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS! (I am a child of the 80's and proud). But anyway, I was lookin at the Bakersfield.com website and saw an article about a fundraiser ran by teenagers called "One Dollar For a Life". For one dollar, see what can be done. (link).

A dollar is jack squat in this country, other than a burger on the dollar menu, two newspapers, maybe a soda, but in third world countries, a dollar is bigger. They took 9,000 dollar donations and built a school.

I keep getting reminded that it is the little things in this world that make the biggest difference. Last week I got an amazing job, and its so simple, but at the same time its intense. All I "do" is cook, clean, laundry and go grocery shopping. the mundane things we all have to do to live, eat and live. But to the person I'm doing it for can't do it himself, so to him, it means a lot more.

I "try" to do things, but I have to confess I am selfish. I pass up many opportunities every day to do little things for other people, or I just get so wrapped up in me that everything irriates me. (Especially when I'm driving). But I know how much it means to people to receieve kind gestures. Something as easy as returning a phone call, giving someone a compliment, sending a heartwarming card for no particular reason, volunteering, saying hi with a genuine smile. I know how much rudeness affects us, so imagine if more people (including me) took five minutes out of our busy lives to put ourselves aside and give to others just for the pure pleasure of making someone elses day.

I'm all for peace in the middle east, but more importantly, we need peace at home. Peace in ourselves and in our friends and family. I also confess that I have not been that person, I haven't had much peace at home and I keep trying, but putting blame on another person isn't working. I have been far too focused on trying to make myself "happy" that I shut everything else off. I will go fifty miles out of my way for me, but I barely lift a finger to help anyone else.

It warms my heart to see stories of hope, and appreciation for our lives and one another. I know that "having it all" means that we basically miss the big picture. I have a home, food, clothes, transportation, so I'm always on the lookout for the "next thing". but wait.. how privlidged am I to have all these things?  Why am I always in such a rush for my next "happy fix"? So I love stories like these, we don't have enough of them in this country.. its too much about what Britney, Paris, Nicole and Lindsay. All negative and completely pointless. I am refreshed to read a story that makes my heart smile. Now I just need to focus on what we can do to make more good stories be printed..