Yikes, when things like these happen, it's a forehead-slapping reality check.

Yesterday I got together with my fellowship sisters from Church and we watched the Passion of the Christ.

Before I even walked in my friends door, I had a "duh" moment; I locked my keys in my truck. It's not the first time and I know it won't be the last! I told my friend and she offered to use a service from her cell phone to get the keys out.

After the movie she called, and something like an hour later the guy shows up. My friend tells me that he smells like he's been drinking; thanks to my cold, I take her word on it. It's about 8pm so its dark out and the guy is struggling because my truck is well, big, and he's having a hard time reaching the button to unlock the doors. My friend sees a shooting star and says "It's God showing off again". She isn't shy about talking about God, or asking other people about God (i'm getting there) so she asks him straight out if he believes in God, he says yes. She asks if he knows the Lord, he says yes. He tells us how he goes to a certain church and he's disgruntled towards them because of the "Christians" that go there.

Nothing about this is a coincedence, this is ALL God. He's been talking to me lately about being a blessing to others, to speak words of life to them like so many people have done for me. About getting bolder, talking about him, talking about myself. So cutting through.. he asks me how I got to know the Lord. And  this is when another duh moment comes. I stutter, I think, uhh, hmm. What is my story? I can tell you the chain of events that happened that got me to Church;  but as far as my testimony, its something I struggle with! It is a sad state that I am in.

Well despite that fact, it went well.  My friend was able to do what I wasn't able to do (yet) and by the end we ended up praying for him and he left. I was supposed to give him money but I wussed out. But, God will do His work in him, even though I screwed up a few times, that doesn't mean it didn't have an impact on him. God knows when we are lost, when we are angry, sad, depressed.. and He will continue to send people to him so he knows how much he is loved. That's the great thing about God.. when people mess up (like me) He can still use it, and He will do everything to get us back on track.

Hate is a strong word, one that I really avoid using nowdays because it is such a strong emotion. But this is a topic that I despise, I absolutely hate. Bullies. People who have the "strong personality" that they use, belittle, degrate and just generally make peoples lives more difficult.

There's a lot of friends I've had over the years that have disguised themselves as bullies. It started when I was a kid. I was bullied a lot. I was an easy target, I'm quiet, I'm different, and I've never believed in myself enough to fight back to bullying. There was one certain kid (a guy) that I somehow always got stuck having a locker next to, and a lot of the time when I went to my locker he was there, he knew I was waiting and he'd take his sweet time. I know he did it on purpose. Or there was the time I was taking a CPR training class, I got paired up with a "popular" girl, and as we were leaving class I heard her say in a LOUD voice how annoyed she was to be paired up with someone like me.

Someone like me? What's wrong with me? What puts a big red target on the center of my forehead? What makes me so much fun to tease? To badger? To use? To throw aside? The answer is easy.. I thought I deserved it. It's what I'm used to, its the same treatment I got from my parents. It was always "do this and do that" without the validation of me as a person. No love, no support, just barking orders at me all the time and them actually wondering why I wasn't "doing much" with myself.

Today while out with a friend and a couple of kids, I was actually being  bullied by a dang 10 year old. The kid never shuts up for five seconds, and he's constantly asking for things. He asked me today at least 15 times for me to get him something. No matter how many times I say no, he keeps asking. What the -----? So the kid has special goggles and he knows I'm easy prey. I say no but I don't mean no. I'll budge any minute because darnet, I just think everyone is so swell and I just want people to be happy.

In order to NOT be bullied, there has to be something inside, that *thing* inside that tells you who you are and you don't need to be pushed around by people. You don't need to always bend over backwards to make other people happy. Not caring about offending people and just being true to yourself. That *thing* gives you confidence, security and knowledge of yourself that if people START bullying you, something kicks in and says yanno what.. no. I'm stopping this right now and that's the end of it. My friend has that. It's a stern silence, with only a word or two needed for the bullying to end. And unfortunately, its nothing that can be taught. It's not like I can say "hey dude, give me lessons". But my friend did today, he didn't stop the annoying kid from pestering me. He let me get aggravated enough to get to the point where I gotta say it myself. And it did happen, not quite as Arnold as I'd like, but there was a moment where I put my foot down, and the kid left me alone. It's sad to be a 31 year old who gets bullied by 10 year olds, but thank God I'm finally learning.

I just finished watching the Benchwarmers, and this is my favorite kind of movie. Where the outcasts who get beat up constantly finally believe in themselves and fight back. I loved this movie because by the end, both "sides" were friends. And that's really the ultimate goal. I don't want to walk around like the Terminator saying "leave me alone!" with my eyes, I just want to be able to look at someone in the eye and say "look, you're doing this, it bugs me, so stop it or I don't want to be around you anymore." Point. Blank. Period. End of story. and end of rant.

What is Faith? (Other than a cheesy 90s song and the name of a good/bad Vampire Slayer?)

What comes to my mind is the many times I'll be walking towards a room for a specfic goal or to get something out of the room and I'll forget mid-way what I'm doing. (And yeah, I'm 31 and been doing this for years). Sometimes, I'll slow down and think a moment what it was I was doing to remind myself and sometimes I just stop. The moments where I keep walking is the moments I know that I will remember again, as opposed to just shrugging my shoulders and doing something else. I keep walking in faith.

What is Faith? James 1:22-24 says: (NIV)

22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

Faith without works is dead. I could read the Bible all day long and have faith that it *somehow* applies to my life, but how will I know that unless it is put to the test?

I have faith that tomorrow morning the sun will rise, the birdies will chirp, I'll be sneezing my brains out like I have the past few days thanks to a nasty cold, and I have faith that God is taking care of everyone at all times. But tomorrow if I find myself somewhere out and about, and He tells me to do something "outrageous", something crazy, something out of my comfort zone, will I have faith that He will pull through?

If you were in line at a drive thru, already paid, pulling up to the window realizing you don't have any money, what if God said "dont worry, I'll take care of it", would you trust Him? Or speed off like you robbed the place?

The pastors at my church REALLY empahsize community work, doing little acts of kindness to show God's love. One of the ideas one had was to pay for the people in the drive-thru line behind you, give the worker the Church card, have them say "God wanted me to pay for your meal" or something similiar to be an active follower of God's word. Story after story after story has been shared time and time again about how much this small idea has spread the word about the Church, but more importantly about God.

Could you even imagine being in line one day, realizing you don't have any money, your kids are hungry, you're tired, and hearing that someone paid for your meal because God told them too? WHOA! That would blow my mind.

God stories are my favorite stories. I have one tonight.

I've been in a class at my Church for a few months now, and at the very end there's a retreat in southern california. I've known about it for a while, but didn't fill out the paperwork, and theres money involved. Something I don't have very much of. And I just figured ok, I just won't go, but God is showing Himself to me.

Today I get a call from a friend who asks if I'm going, I say no, i didn't do it on time, etc and she tells me there's sponsorship available. I say hmm I'll keep that in mind tonight. Tonight during the class, the teachers of the class ask if there's people who need a hotel room, and I half way raise my hand, knowing I haven't even registered or not. I didn't realize it, but a friend of mine a couple rows back had raised her hand, and went up to the front to talk about sharing a room. Long story short, I'm going to the retreat, free of enrollment, free hotel room, and I'll be bunking rooms with 2 other women I know from the Church. I raised my hand (half-way) in faith knowing God would deliver me something.. I was just expecting a discount, not free of charge.

Last month I was sitting in Church a couple days after my class where I had asked God about getting a job.. where do i go? While sitting IN church I get a job offer, where I am now. I had faith God had something in mind for me, I had no idea doing what or where, and it basically fell in my lap.

Instead of saying passively "oh you know, someday, I'll get ____", I said "I know God has the right job for me, and I'll have my eyes and ears open".

If you want to see God, ask Him.

If you want to know God, seek Him always. He loves folks who to Him like a friend and do what He tells us to do. This is what Faith is.

I really don't know what I'm going to say here, but taking a leap of faith there's something just itchin' to be shared.

I was watching the Kathy Griffin show yesterday. Not something I ordinarily watch but my "queen of analyzing" was kicking in. Kathy Griffin has a bit of a um, potty mouth, and she prides herself on her ability to talk trash about people.. and she does a very good job of it. Anyway, in one episode her dad died.

What stuck out to me about this is before he died, he was in the hospital, and they were talking casually (on the phone) and the conversation included a lot of "i love you's". A part of me sighs inside when I see/hear things like that.

I've never, ever been able to be one of those people in my life that can love someone despite the way they act, what they do, what seemingly dumb choices they make in their lives. Never. I'm also very, very bad at expressing myself in a heartfelt way.. in person. Typing it is easy. Saying it is hard.

The people I've chose in the past to say I love you to have been.. lets just say.. not the best relationships. "underneath it all", they are wonderful people, but due to certain behaviors from them, from me, and me allowing certain behaviors, it is difficult for me to love.

A few years ago my biggest complaint about life is that I had no friends. And I didn't. I was so repulsively angry about my life that I had scared everyone off, and I truly didn't understand why I was alone. Here I am today, I've got a lot of people in my life now who have been nothing but supportive, caring, understanding and available.

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. As i was watching Kathy Griffin, I realized I WAS her. Not the comedy part, and I'm also not saying that she's a bad person. I know I was her because I used to talk sooo much trash about people behind their backs, and the instant they came around I was miss nicey-nicey, meanwhile holding a grudge. Always looking for the career, struggling to do something that just isn't for me. Wanting to be the "top dog". Hurting people and enjoying it. When people that have hurt me from the past were going through trauma, I enjoyed it. I truly did not care about people, their feelings, their lives, nothing. My whole world was about ME and what *I* don't have.

This is usually the part where I'd say "but then I found Jesus!".. which IS true. But the part that is also true is that there are parts of the old me that are trying desperately to die, but I'm fighting it. I am not perfect, but the good news is that I don't expect anyone else to be perfect, and today, I accept people for who they are, where they are, despite their imperfections, their beliefs, their choices, etc.

I know theres a lot of Christians "out there" (and I'm not directing this towards anybody here) that seem to claim they are perfect, too busy pointing their fingers, accusing, telling non-believers they are going to hell, etc, but that's not me.

Which brings me to this poem-----

When I Say "I Am A Christian"...

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."  

When I say..."I am a Christian"  
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge. 
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.