The air here is toxic, I swear. I have been using my inhaler regularly all day, but sometimes I think it is better not to breathe at all. I fear for my own health and safety should I take a deep breath and inhale the noxious fumes into my lungs. My coworkers have also been affected by this pollution, and so we take turns going on breaks...outside, into the fresh Bakersfield air.

You thought I was speaking of the notoriously horrible air quality in Bakersfield, didn't you? Well, actually, today, the air is wonderful and clear. It has been raining sporadically all day, and it is truly a breath-of-fresh out there. The toxic fumes I am referring to are emanating from a seemingly harmless source, a little old lady in our optical lab. She is sitting at a dispense table, innocuously trying on frames, and she is making us all nauseous. I personally am seriously allergic to her, and continue to suck on my puffer looking for relief. She is otherwise nicely dressed and friendly, and is truly oblivious to the havoc she is wreaking in our office with her particular version of poison. In case you have not figured out what that poison is, let me give you a hint:  It comes in fancy bottles and teenagers often spray unsuspecting patrons with it as they enter a department store. Yep, you guessed it...perfume.

I am thoroughly convinced that some women completely lose their sense of smell when they get older. Perfectly lovely ladies will bathe in bottles of perfume so caustic, I am surprised it doesn't cause acid burns. The nice scents they chose in their younger years and wore tastefully and sparingly give way to gallons of cheap, heavy, florals that should sport labels from the Health Department warning of potential breathing problems for anyone within a fifty-foot radius of the wearer. These "scents" are more aptly described as "odors" and smell positively awful on absolutely everyone. And yet, these ladies see fit to use entire bottles of the stuff before leaving home. I think I may have solved a medical mystery, here. Maybe the reason that men more often predecease their wives is because they have inhaled too much of their spouses' cheap, nasty cologne.

Men, on the other hand, seem to choose better colognes as they get up in years, and they use those colognes carefully. I had a gentleman in my office last week who was in his early seventies. He was casually dressed in jeans, polo shirt and cowboy boots, and his cologne was so heavenly that I was tempted to go sit in his truck while he was in with the doctor, and...just breathe. I ended up asking him for the name of it; I plan on buying some for my husband.

I think the solution is quite obvious. Ladies, just let your husbands choose your perfume for you. As far as I can tell, men have better noses. And repeat after me:  less is more, less is more....