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 Lauren, my heart has broken in two. I've lost friends to eating disorders, yes, but they were girls I had known for a few months. You were a beaming light of pure gold, a friend to me since day one- that was over 2 and a half years ago, now...Do you remember? I know that talking to you like this here on the computer will not bring you back, but I feel like I have to physically write down how much you mean to me, because my hurt, pain, anguish, sorrow are tangible.

One memory of your thoughtful and creative spirit came to mind at 4 this morning (an hour after learning of your death), as I sat slumped in tears while staring numbly at the blank white wall. I remember, while I was at Remuda Ranch in 2007 battling out the thoughts that you so deeply struggled with as well, feeling so unhappy about spending my first Christmas married in treatment. I felt forgotten, as many other girls had received gifts and presents from their family, friends, and loved ones. I had not.

It was a couple days before the holiday, while wallowing in despair, that mail came for me. Inside that plain white mailing envelope was a rainbow of hope: a heartfelt little note and a finger-painted ornament that your girls had crafted for me specially. I have never forgotten how much that meant to me, and I don't think I ever expressed to you how much it touched me down to the very core.

I don't think I ever told you, either, that I put that letter and the ornament in a special thing I created while I was at Remuda called my "Inspiration Book." You WERE an inspiration, a beautiful and bright angel of love and hope. You fought so hard, against every odd, in which I could relate. Both of our battles have been long and enduring, fraught with doctors and facilities who "don't want to be liable." And yet, in your deepest mental and physical pain, you continued to smile. You continued to reach out and love others in the very special way that you always have. You tried your absolute best to be a loving and active mother to your sweet little girls. You threw your heart and spirit into your marriage, always trying to mend your rocky relationship and love your husband the very best that you could. If only...oh, if only...you had seen that you were worthy of giving yourself the very same care and affection.

I love you Lauren, and I always will. I cannot and did not ever express that enough. I pray that you are in a comfortable and peaceful place now, where you can soar high as you were always meant to here on Earth.

RIP Lauren A.
(27 March 1981 - 26 February 2009)

For those who would like to donate to NEDA/ANAD in Lauren's memory, anything would be appreciated. I know she would never want another soul, though there are so many out there, to struggle with finding treatment the way she did. Please visit this site if you are interested: In Memory of Lauren...