Real Name: Dan Pacheco Gender: male Date of Birth: October 26, 1971 Member Since: March 14, 2006 Last Signed In: August 05, 2009 Profile Views: 12085 Blog Views: 18994 Printcasting: Our Knight News Challenge winning idea Dog Eats Iguana Easter bunny outed by daughter. Help! Galactica finale reactions? SPOILERS WARNING! Map it! In Colorado for Christmas. BRR!!! National Goofing Off at Work Hour Salsa Bunny! Found my dreidel video Get down, Santa and rudolph! June 06 July 06 August 06 September 06 October 06 November 06 December 06 January 07 February 07 March 07 April 07 May 07 June 07 July 07 August 07 September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 August 09 September 09 October 09 November 09 A magazine built by Printcasting! |
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Easter bunny outed by daughter. Help!
Help! My very smart, very self-assured 4-year-old daugther just spilled the beans on the Easter Bunny to her entire preschool class.
The teacher tried to brush over it, but after the class she pulled my wife to the side and implied in the nicest way that we need to get with the program and buy into the idea of supporting this myth. And the real clincher: she's at a Christian preschool run out of a Methodist church! So basically it's a church telling us that we need to lie to our kids about something that we know they will eventually figure out and resent us for. I think we'd just forget about the whole affair if it weren't for the fact that our daughter is traumatized by the experience for reasons that she refuses to talk about. We tried to explain that sometimes other people believe things that you don't, or that you don't want to ruin the "surprise" for the other kids (which is a strange way of putting it, since I have vivid memories of learning The Truth at the tender age of 6 and feeling deeply betrayed by my own parents.) We asked her if the teacher, or some of the other kids, said something to her and she won't even have the discussion. To directly quote her: "WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME THIS OVER AND OVER? I don't want to talk about it!" (Yes our 4-year-old often sounds like a 14-year-old). And before anyone jumps on my case for being the bad guy for telling her the truth, we didn't. We simply didn't make a big deal about the easter bunny. We figured others would tell her about it, and they did. She came to her grandma and asked if there was really a bunny that brings a basket of eggs to your house with candy, because that didn't make sense to her. She'd never seen a bunny carrying a basket, and not with eggs, so it seemed silly to her. Her grandma, a former second-grade teacher, responded in the most tactful way: "Maybe you should think about that through Easter and then tell us what you think!" Well, my daughter had already made up her mind. She decided that either her grandma or parents dressed up as a bunny and that they brought the eggs early in the morning. Instead of outright lying to her, her grandma just smiled and said "Maybe!" This is such a new thing for us, so I have to ask: 1) If you're a parent, did anything like this happen to you? If not with the Easter Bunny, maybe Santa Clause or Tooth Fairy? 2) How would you recommend dealing with this problem? In particular, how do we get our daughter to talk about what happened at school? 3) How do we help her not continue to let other kids in on the secret while also respecting her keen intellect at having figured it out at such a young age? 4) And finally, do you think parents are lying by continuing the myth of the Easter Bunny, especially with kids who are smart enough to know better? 20 comments from 11 users
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posted by
camsgirl
on Apr 3, 2007 at 06:59 PM
I'm dismayed at the teacher for pressuring your wife to go along with the whole Easter Bunny thing as well as the presence of the bunny myth at a church run pre-school. I am far from being a church goer, but it strikes me as being kind of hypocritical that the subject would even be mentioned. Aren't the churches all about the whole resurrection thing? Anyway, my confusion strays from the original issue. My daughter, now 16, has voiced both anger at being lied to (though it was because we held on to the myth a little longer than we should have and she wound up being the only one of her friends that didn't know-oops!), and disappointment that the little bit of magic that the tale represented, was suddenly torn from her grasp. We did the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and santa. I pondered the potential outcomes of enforcing these "lies", but the magic of it won me over. I don't remember any major trauma from finding out, aside from a brief feeling of embarrassment for being so gullible. Maybe discussing the story, one of them anyway, behind the generous bunny and if you have fun with fairytales with her, you could talk about the way a person feels when they think about or imagine these things to be true. She sounds like a very bright girl who would understand how some parents want to let their children hold onto those feelings for awhile. posted by
woofwoof
on Apr 3, 2007 at 07:43 PM
My husband blew the Easter Bunny. Yeah, that doesn't sound right. Anyway, he bought something for them at Easter and later forgot it came from the Easter Bunny. He said, I got that on sale. They said, so you're the Easter Bunny??? But we still have the tooth fairy (my twelve year old still writes notes to the toothfairy, and I write back; these are still the innocent magical moments) and we've still got Santa too....it won't be long before all that's gone. The wonderment of it all. As far and getting your daughter to talk about it, try role playing with dolls/bears. She can project to a doll/bear easier than mom and dad maybe. That's worked for me in the past. I still don't look forward to the day when my kids call me a LIAR! posted by
pachecod
on Apr 3, 2007 at 08:06 PM
Thanks for both of your comments. We have suggested the empathy route and not wanting to spoil someone else's surprise or offend them. I suspect she will understand that, but as my wife likes to point out, "Our daughter is never going to be accepted into the CIA." She has trouble keeping secrets. Hey -- she's four! Why should a four-year-old be expected to keep a secret about something that she's decided on her own is a bunch of rubbish?And to further complicate things, we teach her that in our family there are no such things as secrets, only surprises that eventually get told. This is part of an overall trend toward "body safety" that creates an environment for your kids to tell you about something really wrong that someone may have done to them. (If you're a parent you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say this. I won't get into it in this discussion). So if the preschool teacher is intent on keeping secrets, that creates a dichotomy and I can understand how that would be confusing and make her mad. Kids seem to really understand the concept of fairness. posted by
camsgirl
on Apr 3, 2007 at 08:23 PM
As was pointed out to me several years ago, fairness doesn't mean equal treatment. Is it fair to expect a 3 year old to complete a task in the same amount of time it would take an 8 year old? The expectations need to be adjusted accordingly, that makes it fair. So, maybe the other kids aren't ready to give up the fantasy just yet and she can help them by playing along.
posted by
pachecod
on Apr 3, 2007 at 08:29 PM
I guess it will be a good socialization lesson for her to go along. As long as I'm not forced to lie to her then that works for me :-) We always encourage our kids to think and ask questions and figure out the right answers for them. I still think that's the right approach, but you get some other things when you encourage critical thinking -- like this.I think I figured out a way out of this. I'm going to take her into Second Life to meet a "real" Easter Bunny ... in Second LIfe. Then it's real, but not really. Or maybe there are some good Easter Bunny web sites, or she can watch Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail on TV. She already thinks the people in the TV are real so this way she can keep thinking that. They're real in the TV, but they don't come out and leave chocolate eggs around your house :-) posted by
pachecod
on Apr 3, 2007 at 08:38 PM
I have two more questions for consideration.If you are religious, how do you reconcile telling your kids about the Easter Bunny -- which you know is a farce and one day, they will also know and they will know that you lied about it -- and telling your kids about God, whom you presumably believe is real? Do you think the eventual revelation of one obvious lie could impact the development of faith in things for which one has no concrete proof? And for everyone (religious and non-religious): how does going along with the Easter Bunny affect a child's faith in his or her leaders, including teachers, parents, government officials, etc.? In this particular case, I suspect my 4-year-old knows that her trusted teacher is telling her to pretend to believe something that she doesn't believe, and in fact knows is not true. And she also knows that the teacher knows it's not true! No wonder she doesn't want to talk about it. posted by
NancyII
on Apr 3, 2007 at 09:55 PM
Youd have to ask my kids but I don't believe either of them were traumatized by finding out the Easter Bunny was part of a fun day or that Santa was a fictional character that added to the fun of Christmas. Both knew what Christmas celebration was really all about and that Easter was celebrating the resurrection of Christ. Even after they were grown I'd tell them if they didn't believe in Santa he wouldn't visit them. They'd say "I believe..I believe." I think people are too quick to take away the magic and make believe of childhood and a little "Puff The Magic Dragon" is good for all of us. You call it lying to the children..I call it letting them be kids with imagination a little longer...the real world creeps in soon enough. posted by
pachecod
on Apr 3, 2007 at 10:24 PM
That's a good point, Nancy. I was a very imaginative kid myself, and so is my daughter. Imagination is great for kids, and so is recognizing the difference between reality and fantasy. Small children have trouble seeing the difference sometimes and we help them see where to draw the line. And sometimes ... maybe we move the line too far in the wrong direction and expect young kids to conform too much?Every kid is different. My daughter is pretty advanced for her age. Nobody implied that there was something wrong with the Easter Bunny. She just thought it through on her own and decided it wasn't possible, and she started quizzing people about it. After getting all of the evidence, she shared her reasoning with the kids around her -- and her teacher -- and she got a different reaction from what she expected. Now we're thinking that it's everyone's reaction that's bothering her the most. She pretends all day long in all kinds of ways and tries to get everyone to participate in her fantasies. We constantly hear things like "Hello mommy cat, I'm the baby cat and we're walking on the fence," and not being the mommy or daddy cat is not presented as an option. She's been afraid of monsters in her room at night recently, and we tell her that there's no such thing as monsters, and she's still not sure about that but believes us. Then along comes the Easter Bunny, and she thinks she's figured out that it can't exist and she's comfortable with that. So she tells everyone and expects some validation. But instead, she gets the reaction of the kid who proclaimed "The emperor has no clothes," and suddenly she's the odd bird who must have something wrong with her because she doesn't believe in something that she's correctly identified as imaginary. Oh by the way, she's also still terrified by a witch mask she saw on a kid who showed up for Trick or Treat two years ago. We still talk about how it was just pretend. Maybe she's afraid that someone in a bunny suit is sneaking into her house and leaving things without our knowledge. The bottom line for me is: this whole Easter Bunny thing is very weird, and I don't understand why a preschool teacher would try to apply pressure on a 4-year-old to believe in it. Turns out her own 11-year-old daughter is JUST NOW starting to ask if the Easter Bunny is real, and my daughter provided the final confirmation. That explains a lot! posted by
possummomma
on Apr 3, 2007 at 10:50 PM
1) If you're a parent, did anything like this happen to you? If not with the Easter Bunny, maybe Santa Clause or Tooth Fairy?
First off, I wouldn't catastrophize the episode. What exactly do you want her to talk about? The teacher's behavior? Her behavior? The punishment? Each deserves a different attitude and if you're at a private school (church run), you're going to to have to come up with a plan for future conflicts. I would start by asking your daughter her version of the incident(s). If she wants to talk about it, she will.
Yes. posted by
xlnt1
on Apr 4, 2007 at 01:40 AM
You ask,if you are religous , or not,in my mind, you won't have a problem. People seem to believe, Look at the millions of people who practice religion,with no physical proof that God ever existed. They follow spiritual leaders, even when they are human.How does one explain Jimmie Jones,Jimmie Baker, the Catholic priests, aw, you know what i mean.It seems the religous leaders in this country arte all of questionable character.And then you have the leaders of Islam who all need to get a job.In my mind the leaders of spiritual faith are asking for the people to question, the easter bunnie, Sandie Claus,The tooth farie, the Stork,and I could go on and on.
posted by
NancyII
on Apr 4, 2007 at 06:15 AM
Kids are very observant and my guess is they begin to believe it's a myth long before anyone actually spills the beans. They know bunnies don't have hands and walk upright (makes carrying baskets easier if they do ya know), and they can figure out that the big fat guy in the red suit isn't coming down a chimney..especially if you don't have a fireplace, so it would seem it's more of a dawning than a sudden awakening. If people were actually traumatized by the discovery, it would surprise me that anyone would continue to carry on the tradition. Obviously you haven't Dan, and that makes sense but honestly, I've never talked to anyone who was devastated by the discovery. Most of the kids I've been around at that time just commented that they knew it..just wanted to confirm it. In our commercial world, it seems it would be hard to perpetuate that myth beyond a very young age anyway. By the way..didn't Eartha Kitt still believe in santa as an adult? ;-) posted by
pachecod
on Apr 4, 2007 at 08:17 AM
We actually do "practice" the traditions of Easter Bunny, Santa, and probably one day the Tooth Fairy, too. We just don't ever talk about them as if they are real. But we don't say they're pretend, either. If we're asked we give vague answers that encourage more thought.We were talking about this last night and now we're wondering if the preschool teacher assumes we are fundamentalists who are on a campaign to discredit the Easter Bunny and teach kids the true meaning of Easter (which we're far from, by the way!) They probably get a few like that at a church-run school, and they just automatically have the discussion about how "Lots of families practice the Easter Bunny and it's not fair to take that away from them". So maybe we just need to have a talk with her and assure her that we're not like that, and also let her know that for whatever reason our daughter is upset about what happened at school and doesn't want to talk about it. Thank you all for your suggestions! Hope you all have a happy Easter, with chocolate bunnies, eggs and all. Have fun explaining why a bunny is handing out eggs :-) posted by
pamg
on Apr 4, 2007 at 08:26 AM
I found out about Santa and the Easter Bunny, as Nancy put it as "more of a dawning than a sudden awakening." Why in the world would a kid feel "traumatized", "resentful", or "betrayed" by believing in these harmless, magical, beings, even if they did find out the truth in a difficult way? Lying? Hardly......Perpetuating the myths of Santa and the Easter Bunny is no different than reading your kid a bedtime story about dragons, frogs-turned-princes, and princesses! If your child came to you and said "Mommy, there's a monster in my closet", would you punish your child for "lying"? I'm not big on the Easter Bunny, but even as an adult, I still feel a bit of a warm thrill at Christmas time when I see Santa Claus. It brings back just a bit of the magic that was Christmas as a child. Do I still believe in Santa? YOU BET!
posted by
randomfactor
on Apr 4, 2007 at 08:32 AM
Kid#1 actually found out about Santa Claus in a Kindergarten run by a local Christian school. The teacher accidentally spilled the beans while explaining that Santa was not, in fact, in the Bible. :)
posted by
steveeswenson
on Apr 4, 2007 at 09:16 AM
I think it is harmless to tell kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. When they are old enough (usually about 5) to figure out these things don't exist, they are generally fine with the idea that it was a fun story.Here's how I learned about the Tooth Fairy. I used to get a quarter for every tooth under the pillow. Once when I was about 6, I didn't get money. So I took 50 cents from my mother's dresser. Then I told my mother the Tooth Fairy gave me 50 cents. She said no she didn't. With my own kids, we would come home from church on Easter and as we turned a corner I would say, "Did you see the Easter Bunny right back there?" My kids got a kick out of that. posted by
ScaryMary
on Apr 4, 2007 at 09:56 AM
Dan, My daughter said to me at age 4 or 5 that there is no way Santa could come down a chimney etc. She asked if Santa was real. I told her the story of St. Nicholas which she wasted no time telling the neighbor kids that Santa didnt exist. One of the mothers who was also one of my good friends, got really mad at me. She told me I ruined Christmas for her kids. I felt terrible but still feel it was the right thing to do at the time for my kid. As a child I believed in Santa well beyond the time when most kids knew the truth. I got teased and felt really stupid. What you do should be based on what you and your child are comfortable with. Its kind of amazing to me that a church would be so adamant to keep the myth alive.... posted by
mattloch
on Apr 4, 2007 at 10:33 AM
ScaryMary, what about "a church would be so adamant to keep the myth alive" do you not understand? Isn't that the entire purpose of the church? What does it matter if they choose to add one more myth to the pile? Churches (religions) are built on faith, not on proof. Seems to me they're being perfectly consistent.....
posted by
pachecod
on Apr 4, 2007 at 02:55 PM
Great comments! Well if nothing else, I feel like we have a normal family. I think the church-run preschool is pretty normal, too. My theory is that the teacher was miffed that our 4-year-old figured out the truth of the Easter Bunny before her 11-year-old (who was volunteering that day) and that rocked her world. My daughter must have picked up on that. Either that, or it's a "here we go again" moment for her and she can't take having another parent accusing her of spilling the beans.But all that said, 1) Yes, it's very odd that a church would be insisting that we perpetuate a myth that has nothing to do with the church's theology, and 2) I personally find it difficult to say with a straight face that an intelligent rabbit, who does not lay eggs, is bringing not just eggs but chocolate eggs into our house when nobody is looking. Just typing that makes me want to crack up. It's all cool with me. As I said before, it's the reactions to this that are more interesting and hard to get a grasp on. posted by
possummomma
on Apr 4, 2007 at 03:26 PM
Haha... I just asked my littlest possum, age 2.5, "Is the Easter Bunny real?" He said, rather quickly, "Noooooo...but da' candy is." It's all about the priorities people. ;) posted by
pachecod
on Apr 4, 2007 at 03:38 PM
That right there is a great reason to be a believer, or at least pretend to be.
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