Cross posted at Sirens:

Peace~ we all talk about it, wish for it, imagine what a life filled with Peace would be like. We do what work we can for Peace on a big scale~ at least that’s the easy part for me. It is the small things that create strife that I have a hard time with, those pesky imperfect people that I deal with day to day, lost love, public bullies. It is these that often have me making part of my heart hard. This week there has been a change, I am walking my talk.

A bit of back story. When I first moved into my neighborhood, the neighbors were less than welcoming. A single Mom, a rare bird then, hippie like, they could see their children subverted, property values dropping. But as time went on and the palpable hate kept flowing I began to wonder why? We developed, very slowly, a “relationship”, and many years later I learned some illuminating things. One wife was severely abused, and the other was trapped in a nightmare of mental health issues with her husband. This taught me that hate is often not so much about me, as it is about the other person. I could then reach out to others because if I saw them as people first~ just maybe they would return the favor.

On this site I often find myself at logger heads with some folks, I try to remember not to judge another~falling short of that far too often~ because I really do not know what trouble lies under any surface. I just keep reaching out to people because I believe that is what holds our country together. I reach out and sometimes, even though we still fundamentally disagree,the rancor is lowered a notch.I see a human with a valid viewpoint,hopefully they see the same in me. Sometimes this does not happen ,but oh well what have I lost in that effort? Nothing.

Then the “biggie”.. I had a significant other~ my soul mate, my yang, for eight years. For several complex reasons he had a hard time with emotion and when my sons died it just became to much. But for even more complex reasons he said and did some horrendous things to drive me away~ I suppose so he would not have to face his own shortcomings. I was beyond devastated, but with all the rest I had to deal with.. my reaction was also fairly horrible. We had fights before, after a cool down we would always connect and repair what had a fracture. This time I waited a few weeks called him and told him that with my dying breath I would curse his name. Not very “peaceful” that ,eh?

I am smart enough to know that lashing out at another human feels good, momentarily, but to actually carry that much hate would only hurt me in the end. After two years of dealing with first things first~ myself, my loss and those closest to me, I began to think of him, what I had said ,what he said~ he accused me of killing Kelsey by waiting to long , and some other choice bits. I wrote, right after the breakup, these lines

:

My blood splattering you or my angel feather tickling you.

I desire knowledge now

So call me verbs, think small common things--

protect yourself.

When you can afford memories, another time, another life

Remember me

Remember grace

May the wind be at your back, the path downhill

~ Sage~

Emily Brontë

Peace my friends, find your stillness and move mountains with that stillness.