& nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;       Gifts in the Wind

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;     In being true to all that is me

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;         I have given to strangers

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;        that can't reply

        & nbsp;    Ideas were always my best friends anyway

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;       &nbs p;         ;           Sagefever  2005

....The lack of my blog writing, or technically the working out of my crazies,has been due to yet another sad event,a Human Being of excellent spirit has gone on. In a manner of this persons choosing,by their own hand,at the time they  decided upon. A good purpose filled life,with love,spirit.family,community, each of these given their due. I will try my best to emulate this Persons way of being in this world.And again I spend time with my old pal Death. Am I just seeing death more? Do the chances of more Folks dying increase as one ages?Am I just attracting death like garbage does flies?  The fragility, the beauty of this life is so real and as I look around me ,how many realize this gift? It is so easy to get caught up in petty detail,day to day struggle,easy to be hurtfully,mean and downright nasty~murderous even. Well for some folks I guess it is.

 But for me  the path I have chosen is to try to leave this world better for me being in it,help more than I hurt. Seek out those situations that are hard,scary,that require me to be,do more. The path is one of flame, a burning of self,a river of blood,ceaseless searching for my God.But the view!!! A vivid vista awash with the play of light and dark,deeply tinted with an unearthly beauty..

 The human heart is by its very construction made to be broken,then mended,three separate chambers looking as if they easily come apart. We are here to feel,love,break our hearts again and again. I believe that with or without our consent,either with ease or difficulty we do lead our authentic lives. That the lives that break me ,or those that inspire me are equally valid teachers.

"Don’t turn away

Don’t give into the pain

Don’t try to hide

Though they’re screaming your name

Don’t close your eyes

God knows what’s behind them..." "Whisper" by Evanescence

 Though my beliefs~ we are more than this life, that in the end we will abide in such love ~ are simple and deeply held my loss and those very beliefs could only br honored by reflection and reexamination. No instant answers or rote peace~ the events ,my path demanded honest exploration ,no set start ,no sure end. Just being in the moment and trying to chart that, map a route.

 That we are more than this life is apparent to most ,that the stuff that makes us is strewn thru this universe, thru the smallest particle is a form of religion. I believe that when we are finally one with God, the Universe~pick a name for that which can not be named that resonates with you~ we will be held in such Love that all of our perceived differences will melt into laughter and joy. I believe that this Force will welcome us all~does welcome us for we are Its children, It is our parent.

 Through out this dream ,this nightmare I can not wake from ,the fund, the account I laid up for myself in better times has stood me well I have learned that pain is pain , we only qualify it to make it bearable. Even after all of this one more death was to come, my mate, my friend unable to face my, his own pain ,devastated me by how he left. Again and again life tested my belief in it ,in goodness. Slowly ~ sometimes madly so~ small proofs came ,small miracles. The knock at the door when in my dark the pills seemed to be my only friend, the money when mall my resources were gone, the card from a friend, even the phone calls I could not answer or return.

  I still struggle each day and though I can not see happiness yet. I know hope. How one may ask? The answer lies in courage( co_rage) ,my dark heart and the human survival instinct. The journey continues ,I can only hope some find peace for themselves in my words..and dream of it for myself

The last few years have been book ended by deep loss. In August I lost my Mother. then that September the events of 9/11. Then the brutal murder ,still unsolved,of a friend The next April the phone call every parent dreads my eldest, found crawling the street seeking help for a heart attack , help that came too late. Then in a nightmarish reversal of pregnancy ,9 months 4 days later my only other son gone. Then the awful tidal wave ,so many lost

Standing on a cliff, sinking in quicksand is the best I can describe the feeling..Living with the questions of why, why not? Is there a God or devil? Were the events the result of the good, bad or the indifferent? At points all of the above appeared to be true. I questioned all I knew ~ in fact there would be no rote answers ,no easy answers, no nice bow to wind all of this pain into a package. I know this to be true :I do not know. Each person is constantly presented with situations that can enlighten ,suppress, destroy or create. The second truth I know is you can only control your own actions~sometimes more adeptly than others.

Grief ,deep pervading loss takes time to work thru,"closure" is not something real~ but some days are better now. I look for more of these. Grief, no matter your support group or coping skills, affects your belief of who and what you are. And as you deal with loss you also must deal with those around you. Some are steady ,shores that you can cling too. Others, even ones thought to be safe harbors devastate you further by their actions ,their inability to deal with your grief, and their own. All of this is colored by a tempoary "madness ,a self defensive mechanisim to aide in keeping you sane. My sister said " You are like a wounded animal with it’s foot in a trap. Any hand that nears you, even if it only tries to free you, you want to bite off" So apt of a description...

 

I should not even be doing this right now, but her "article" was today~the very day I placed the last keepsakes of my son in a box...and I cried like I had just heard the news.She made some points,but the one where she says"Oh Mr Korin, I Know you are hurting...." unless,God forbid any havehad to experience this,unless she has lost a child...she can not comprehend!! Unwittingly she says what are you talking about and I had to laugh~it is so true when You stand at the waters edge and watch,filled with more guilt,self~hatered,loathing..I can only imagine their state at that time......You go crazy.He had no clue as to what he was saying,won't if his experience is at all like mine for years...Read "On Death and Dying" and get some insight..and I do not know,do not want to know what she meant with the ferry analogy..what was the plane that crashed in New York not a good enough slur?? I will regret these words today,I am sure MR ANoymus,et all will have a field day... and still my tears are falling,my heart is numb and all I can think is those poor people,I would not sue~in fact choose not to myselfin my own situation,because who in their right mind would think MONEY could fix this nightmare! But with the mob howling for them to be charged,their other kids taken,I would have gotten a lawyer also.I see we have many Christians out there without sin,and this is "LIfe as it should be"????? No folks I think we have a ways to go before we get all smug and self-rightous~I know I do...

In those weeks,seemed like two a year,when the heat,air quality where such that we could~we would roll!! Just the sight of the "throne"(Wheelchair) would get his legs kicking,and bring smiles to us both.You folks in cars have no idea of the thrill ride out on our streets.Those cuts in the sidewalks leading into a intersection are the best mini rollercoaster. In our neighborhood the old style roads are high with sharp declines to the gutters,after a carefull look,I'd start to run fast and we'd hit the coaster like path,up and down, both out of breath~he from cracking up and me from wheezing.Even those inclines for the gutters afforded spectacular spots for wheelies,and turning round and round till we both where dizzy. Once we made it to the park (Beale) the berm of earth made our slide.I am not sure if the rush of air,the feel of freedom was the most fun for him,or if the sight of me huffing and puffing  caused him more pleasure. The basketball courts,always there would be one or two who were kind and would talk with us,made him laugh too. Sometimes the stares got oppressive,but he knew who he was and he liked himself.I remember before his birth,I'd see women with kids like him and think"How brave" and secretly how sad..now I know much better,to see the gift where I might haveseen loss.We ,well really I would talk about that on the way home,about how most of those doing the "pittying" made me pity them...but not Kelsey. He always brought me back to love.In truth though I thought I knew love~he showed me what love truly was.Gone but never forgotten my boy warrior~ always there will be love.

I was glad to see the new signs at the riverwalk,and saddened by some letters in the paper:it is easy to pass judgement.I want to tell a story.. My son had a classmate pass away,that night I had some things to say to my friend about how I felt the parents could have done more to keep the child safe.Now Kelsey could not talk,walk,sit control his hands etc. But he was a very smart boy.That night I put him to bed like countless times before.He had a metal slat frame bed,with 2 windows,that had blinds,at the side and head. I had shortened the controls,and tucked them behind the bed frame and thought no more of them. That night~who knows how~ he got them wound them lightly around his neck..and left me to find him like that in the morning ,as if to say"See Mom ,any parent can have tragedy befall them"I still have no clue as to how..but I did learn to keep my thoughts more open..it can happen to anyone..and I did put those blind controls way out of reach! And never assumed he could not get at anything he wanted to again.

I am going to talk alot about loss~it colors my world now,holidays are the worst. It is still too unreal~one dead from a heart attack,the other from flu.Waiting in the ER,the last breath he took going into my lungs as I vainly tried to keep him alive..and I find I enjoy staring into the headlights like a deer,hypnoticed,placid,way to much. I tried to burn away the pain,lit the three sparklers,still no end to this loneliness.I am not~choose not to ?~ able to relate well to others,one neighbor tires to connect~she is very kind,another is just plain awful,most try to pretend I dont exsist..they are all the same to me.I want for others so much to see the joy, spirit of life, how you live it matters so~all things I can no longer do for myself,give myself.Today the pain is so hard to take,around me I see some who enjoy giving it out so..and some like me who wish they could feel it,and some who shatter.Maybe I should just cocoon today,try to regroup,each day like swiming in quicksand and I used to walk along the hilltops.....

 With  the passing of the new "safer" 4th of July laws I wondered how my central Bakersfield area would respond>before the change the skies  were often lit  with decidedly not legal fireworks.How would they look? The site inspired these words 

        & nbsp;          & nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;      

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;       &nbs p;         ;      Lawbreakers in My Neighborhood

      

          small enclaves of terrorists      &nb sp;  American homes full of evil~doers

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;     The often quiet, working, tired, Patriot  American  Citizen

        & nbsp;       at least six in as many blocks     quietly and with much caution

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;       &nbs p;         ;         seemed to say       &nbs p;     

        & nbsp;       &n bsp;       &nb sp;       &nbs p;         ;            "Yes I can"

             & nbsp;       &n bsp;        enjoy the burst, pop,and blast of a firework...

 

        & nbsp;      We lost no lives,lawns, limbs ,cars,eaves or         ;   Liberty

        & nbsp;       &n bsp; Powers that be: Do not count the American people out

 

 

 Yes I am a fireworks fan,and while I understand the desire for a safe world I question the wisdom of it.

About the signs, or lack there of at Riverwalk~ how about one like the sign at the mouth of the canyon?