A blog about Kern County and News.
Gender: female Member Since: June 30, 2006 Last Signed In: November 19, 2009 Profile Views: 9263 Blog Views: 29713 Jagels Retires The Womans Conference~ 2009 Men Who Stare At Goats Birthday A Counterpoint To The Race Card: Acknowledgement and Healing Chaos:Remember to say I love you. Hubble New Images~ Beautiful ! Western End of Station Fire Under Control Death Panels are Real: So is Everything Else (hummor) What makes a Nazi a Nazi ? July 06 August 06 September 06 October 06 November 06 December 06 January 07 February 07 March 07 April 07 May 07 June 07 July 07 August 07 September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 August 09 September 09 October 09 November 09 "Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats." Diane Arbus My life seems to operate sideways~ backwards almost~ and I have come to see thats right for me. A rain of snakes,disruption that cause's growth ,the world split in two.Everyone has there own path,mine has been one of thought,mostly of things folks today seem to disregard. Truth, personal integrity,politeness,...not all eschew these things.For me its been the easiest way to be~ any other way leads me to more trouble..and a sense of humor,above all about myself. Laughter keeps a person sane,and I enjoy seeing the coyote in myself~ the eternal trickster 
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I rent from a web based DVD service, they have a "whats hot (rented most) in Bakersfield" list.I always feel very lonely after reading that list....my taste is not mainstream at all. So a caveat: this film will disturb most folks.
The life of John Wilmot, Duke of Rochester, was one of a libertine,rake,sexual provocateur,social deviant~great film fodder! With the other movie that stars him out in theaters right now,if Depp is your cup of tea, this is a must see. The range of this man~ what his dark eyes can convey to the viewer~ a tongue placed just so in cheek...he is undoubtedly one of the greats in film today.The whole cast,from the players to the guy who lights the candles deserves kudos...I love really good films,shot with a poets eye,heart and this film shows what can be done. 5*****
Of course I chose this week to do the chore~finally~ back to school week, a week that I wanted not to think about..and K not being here. It takes nothing to plunge me back into darkness. I poke,rend,probe the wounds~ working this I under go what is. I wait for the turning, wanting better wanting joy again..I would lie if I said it was so.
There are moments where I am clearly healing but I do not know the final cost of this dis-ease. I have been re- reading ( a great escape technique) "The fall of the Towers " by Samuel R. Delany ,he says much better than I the stage I find myself in. "...the wound had healed and in healing he (they) had slipped away, but came closer if only because she was in the world of life where he( they) had lived, instead of the retreat world of death that was her perception". The Trick is balance~ we define chaos with terms like good/bad to make order and to separate it. The two forces abhor one another but are interdependent. They~ love/hate, light/dark ~ can not exist without the other, they outline the other. The struggle~ our human struggle is to balance...so profound and then THE HEADLINE this day..my sorrow for all of the survivors of this tragedy is evident by my tears. I hope the gentle winds of healing wash over those affected by this families cataclysm.. I have been on a heavy avoidance agenda this week but the therapeutic results of me boring any who read this are solid for me. Ant one who is undergoing a stress event should write~even if about everything but the stress. But for me, a reflective type who has always been close to the edge( what a view!) writing about the devastating events,in what some say is already a "hard life" has driven some demons at bay.. started to heal what should have driven me mad. My city, the place that shaped me seems to have gone mad. I strive to make it only crazy~ as that is one step away from genius.
I have been reviewing the last 30 years of my writing,or ramblings if you will,and i hope all the young folks are making paper copies of their musings.The luxury of my years allows me to define each stage~ though the future is as murky as anyones.Youth burns,bright white, hot with desire, questions and the wild unknown. Middle age is smoother,a even surface,like a habit~be it good or ill~ just something to do,with your dreams far distant from your bills. As i peer into the years ahead a sense of place in this world fills me. The surety of change covers me with comfort,like a pair of favorite jeans, familiar just the thing to wear on the trail.The roller coaster that is life still thrills,with its peaks,its valleys and its sure end.
I have a wonderful friend,who both challenges me to be more and supports me when I need it. For the 17 years of my K's life she was the only one who stood by me and by him~this is for her Special to you ,funded by your soul to all freely given~~Thank You sagefever 2005 I am aware of your inability to stand near me now Either outcome requires something from you. My blood splattering you or my angel feather tickling you. To anchor you further in your ill world view or challenge you to face the inconceivable I desire knowledge now So call me verbs, think small common things-- protect yourself. When you can afford memories, another time, another life Remember me Remember grace May the wind be at your back, the path downhill sagefever 2006 The obituaries always end alike with those left referring to the day when they will greet their loved one again ..I want so to take heart and believe. But the chill of what if , even then, somehow in Its unknown ways, Yours was found lacking? Wanting of essential goodness? Worthy of damnation?……. Last nights nightmare was set in a flat desolate landscape, dry dusty desert like. Along one edge was a gentle slope that rose, tunneled with magma flows, above and below, into majestic mountains. About the middle of the peaks were three that had, tops blown off long ago, pipes of steam,the occasional flame, surrounded by nine smaller ones. We had stopped at a gas station. I am listening to a Ranger tell how finally the park is going to be cleaned up, the piles of ash removed, as I hear far away moaning ..it is my eldest I know, hidden on the trail to the peaks. I scream to those with me to help, they seem not to hear or care. I begin to run to him the sounds of his cries raking at my heart my soul. A knot of tourists hides the view, but as they mill about I glimpse him, his hair is burned, the white shirt is charred, smoke rise’s from him. I know he will live but already his pain course’s thru me as if it is my own. So this is my truth if this is a foreshadowing ,if this nightmare becomes everlasting knowledge…I will love It unconditionally but after brief worship of Creator I could not forgive Its abandonment of one. I would chose to wander alone without love, as I do here now in this world. I have known love here and if it is true as claimed that It loves us no Love would condemn even Its abominations to such despair. I could not forgive and would stand in gentle eternal rebuke. Not a cast out angel, or one who would be yang to Its yin, but simply a Mothers Love . I am trying to find out who I am. Not as a daughter,not a wife,not a Mom~ I became one at the age of 17. So I can barely recall who I was,surely I had no clue at 17 . I am also struggling to find some employment, with no high school,some college and no recent work experience. Except for 16 3/4 years of daily preparing of meals,ordering supplies,returning forms,orders at the correct time....and being "just a house person" 24/7. Sometimes its overwhelming~ except when I talk to my friends who are "out there", the horror stories of bad workers!! So I have hope that someone will want a conscientious person who will want a job. So today I cleaned one flower bed. I used to have the kind of yard neighbors would walk to see~ they still did but in not a good way! It felt good to pull weeds,trim a bush or two. The earth and its care was something I learned from my Dad~ a local farmer. My earliest memories are of planting, tending a "patch" of ground.Later as a adult the beauty of the garden always made me feel better. I also did one or two of the flower mandala flower beds at SJCH~ I was proud of them,and the moments of serenity they gave staff and patient alike. So there are more beds to do,more fine tuning but it's a good sign I care. And ~ta dah!!~ I made the worlds best pasta salad! At least i think so,as do my pals, who manage to "choke back" large quantities. I use the pasta twirls,the colored kind, while they are warm, they soak in balsamic vinegar and oil. Then as they say the "kitchen sink" goes in. Diced onion,red & green bell peppers,grated carrot, zucchini and any other veggie I can sneak in. Olives,marinated artichokes if i have them, diced Monterey jack sharp Cheddar,and salami,turkey,ham sliced and mayonnaise. I love to cook and it just hit me...most of the stuff I enjoy is at best temporary,elusive brief moments, never a permanent thing~ very much like life I suppose. Signs of the thaw folks~ I want to not feel guilty for feeling "better" ,..I see it as honoring my kids to try to live life~ but I will never forget them or the things they gave me,good or ill. Have a good one folks~ be extra grateful for the coming day. |