While the loss of my sons colors everything, I did want to honor the season with a acknowledgement of my blessings.

My first son taught me that what I thought previously, that I would teach him (which I did ), in truth he would also teach to me. I was struck at how like a mirror he was for me. Physically we were very similar ,and in temperament. I quickly discovered one of us had to “be the adult”~ I was just 17 at his birth~ and he mirrored areas that I surly needed to work on. He could push my “buttons” better than anyone ever could, and I his. But instead of this being a negative I liked how he could cut thru my defenses, allowing me clear vision. He was a sweet child ,polite ,gracious and ever curious about his world. He excelled at things beyond me~ sports, math and music. He had such a gift ,upon hearing a song once or twice he would be able to play it. first on the dreaded flutophone(sp?)and then the guitar. His music teacher at school even called at home to beg me to force him into the band, but I feared that he would lose his love of music. I will never know if that was the right choice for him~ the parents bane~ but he kept at music all his life.

My second sons birth~15 years after the first~ taught me so much that it is hard to sum up. First that what appears “bad” may indeed hold unseen blessings. He taught me faith ,in “God”, and in myself. Love , while I thought I knew it…he showed me so much of it ,and no small thing ,he showed me the value of my love. He allowed me to be exposed to the “scary”~ what so many, myself included, find terrifying ..the differently-able. These humans are some of the most courageous, funny, loving folks I have ever met. I used to joke that having lived through the 60’s I was used to scary people, so that helped get over the initial reaction. Then that world opened up to me and how saw how un-scary they were ..and how some of the “normies” were indeed very scary. This is difficult to explain but the “arm flailing “girl whose touch was the most alive thing I have ever felt, the “blind” boy who climbed everything, rolled balls to you with unnerving accuracy, the child who seemly did naught but give you the smile that could light the darkest gloom. Even those who appeared so unconnected to life, with medical difficulties, with mental difficulties, always showed me something about themselves, and in turn about me. Without my “broken boy “ I never would have experienced any of this. My son had the biggest heart I know ,always he brought me, and others, back to love. There is much more but all this is reminding me of my pain ..and I intended this to be a piece of thanks not tears. But perhaps that is a blessing too~ even through all of this I have not “shut down”, can still feel, love and remember.

So Blessings to All, may this season ,all seasons ,give You Joy, Hearts Ease and much Peace.

The frosty mornings, silvered surfaces shimmering from the sun

Cold air into my lungs, memories unbidden come back of you

At a time, when hockey and condors faced extinction, way past

Your days of childhood, when still you believed enough in the

magic of this world, not yet resigned to dull repetition that

You felt was all that lay before you…

Late at night a slow steady trickle from the garden hose

Streamed down the driveway cement ,like your hope for the

Future, knowing if you tried enough a frozen pond would await

You one glorious morn~ enough to slam the puck once or twice

I never discounted that, why ever did you?

sagefever ~ 2006 for C.H.