Several blogers have touched on a topic that has been on my mind lately~ the evils done in my name, via the government, to those who chose to serve. We owe so much to them, often promise them much and then deliver less or not at all.

Reading about the men who raped a girl, killed the family burning the remains to hide the crime, seeing how the “ring leader” was evaluated as a risk in the field, and was still put into the field, how? How does this happen? War atrocities have gone on before written history, but as a country with so much, a country, that “supports” our soldiers, the facts are in truth we do not support them, as we should. We take the boy or girl next door, train them, give them weapons, put them into situations unimaginable, then send them home after a brief debriefing. Expecting all to be as before we shake our heads at Post Traumatic Syndrome, wonder how marriages break apart, shudder as some kill their families. We expose them to untried vaccines, Agent Orange, dust clouds full of god knows what, and then say whatever cancer or high birth rate of disabled children they have, is “not service related”. One only needs to reread a month or two’s old papers,let alone a history book, and this list could be endless.

In the past, we have promised education, then cut the funding, promise health care, and then send them to places that are horror stories in and of themselves. These brave ones, trained as they are, often cannot, will not seek help and often resent any implication that the service has an onus.

With the advances in medical care, many are living, gratefully so, that only a war ago would not. However, as I see how the generation before them is treated, I am ashamed. Their lives have been interrupted, scared by the act of protecting us, many damaged beyond repair.

There are many points I have not touched on here~ I am sure each of you will have something to say. I hope a solution will be proffered here. I, for myself. will write all of my representatives, advocating for the souls who give so much. Regardless of how right or wrong this current war is, this is common ground for us all ~our daughters, sons, nieces, nephews, cousins and friends deserve no less.

In the hours, day’s months after my first son’s death thoughts of ending life washed over me often, but always my beloved K. kept me from that dark. In truth I am a melancholy sort~ very little to be glad over in this world that holds open the promise of so much, only to be made small by humans. However, always logic and an insane hope for the tomorrow held me to this earth. Then my “broken boy“, my service to him, held me here, to be allowed just his laugh or smile enough.

After k. that moment in the ER, having said the last words to his body turning, I felt if I took one-step to the left I would just cease then and there. I so wanted to turn, but the damnable animal in me wanted life so I went right. Only a few months before I had said in an interview for the BC that one should always error on the side of life, never for death…how those words haunted me then, how caged I felt by my own morals. I had not wanted to do that interview, did not understand my resistance to do it, as I felt passionate about the subject. In the months ahead, it became clear that I had to walk the talk, if indeed I felt life so precious. I speak of living breathing life to be clear, regardless of any other aspect.

Suicidal is not an apt description of my state of mind then, but for now it is all I have. I would not raise my hand to swallow all those pills, gave them to my friend for disposal, so wanted to swill back the whole bottle of alcohol, but did not. Hiking in the mountains, alone, one small misstep and the end I had always envisioned for myself, but I did not. Walking through neighborhoods prone to violence, somehow those so inclined never found me. Time after time, the sweet release evaded me for I could not actively seek it, and fate would not provide it for me.

I wanted so to simply cease…that never came and slowly, like petals dropping from the sepal, I have changed. It is not as before when life was good, unbroken before me. Nevertheless, resigned is the best description one can use. I so admire others who seem to find purpose, that eludes me still..

 I do not know Anna,but I do know about loss of those who will go on after you.I believe she must have had similar feelings.She may have helped things along or, as I know to well, the flu killed her. However the world decides her demise came about BLT and I have named two elements